tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587902609826926070.post7114895956183250903..comments2024-03-05T23:31:44.106-08:00Comments on Gay Family Values: Bullying and Healing Old WoundsGFVhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02950236433262366445noreply@blogger.comBlogger22125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587902609826926070.post-42697161973069963052013-06-01T11:54:08.483-07:002013-06-01T11:54:08.483-07:00Bryan,
Your story resonates with me, as I too wa...Bryan, <br /><br />Your story resonates with me, as I too was a victim of bullying. I'm happy to see that you have flourished into a handsome, happy man - a gentleman - who has been blessed with a family of his own. You and Jay have done good, and God has smiled upon you both and blessed you both with each other to love, cherish, support, and yes challenge. You both received the ultimate gift; two beautiful children - who are truly gifts - for which to instill in them the traits to unconditionally love, accept and understand other peoples differences; that what makes another person unique (different) is something to be embraced and cherished as they are that person's "gifts", and are not to be ridiculed.<br /><br />Thank you Bryan and Jay for sharing moments of your life and family with us - especially to Bryan, as I understand how uncomfortable being in the "spot-light" can be.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587902609826926070.post-57467418665609214132013-04-09T17:41:48.496-07:002013-04-09T17:41:48.496-07:00Bryan, thank you for sharing your story. You are ...Bryan, thank you for sharing your story. You are such a kind, loving, genuine person. It shows in your and Jay's videos and in your writing here. I know you only through YouTube and this blog, but I don't wish you to be anyone other than you.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587902609826926070.post-9205789493937225352013-03-30T15:56:57.715-07:002013-03-30T15:56:57.715-07:00I work as an attachment therapist to folks who'...I work as an attachment therapist to folks who've gone through past trauma - doing couple and family work. Reading this I went through so many emotions - sadness, empathy, anger, frustration...<br /><br />I so care about what you went through. It was not fair. This was no way for you to be treated. Leaving you angry, helpless, not believing in yourself, and so alone... <br /><br />I feel so dismayed by the BULLIES, the standbyers, the teachers AND your parents. <br /><br />Your parents JOB was to protect and nurture you. THey were meant to be there for you. What they taught you through them being neglectful is:<br /><br />* you don't matter<br />* you're not important<br />* we don't care<br />* you're powerless<br />* you're worthless<br /><br />It brings me to tears that you blame YOURSELF - and think of yourself for being weak. It's just not right.<br /><br />Your parents were being emotionally abuse. The UK Child Protection states that Emotional Abuse is: <br /><br />* continuously failing to show love and affection,<br /><br />*persistent rejection<br /><br />*criticism<br /><br />*belittling<br /><br />*bullying<br /><br />*frightening<br /><br />*harassment<br /><br />*taunting<br /><br />*threatening<br /><br />*ridiculing<br /><br />*scapegoating<br /><br />*ignoring<br /><br /><br />MANY of these your parents did: threatening to hit you if you didn't act out, rejecting your needs, ignoring your cry, not meeting you deeply with love, belitteling you....<br /><br />I feel sad that you turned the anger onto YOU, when what you needed was THEM fighting FOR YOU, and them being ON your side, and THEM standing up to show that that you MATTER, you are SO worthwhile, you deserve SUCH GOODNESS, that you should be treasured and enjoyed, that what you feel is IMPORTANT, and you are to be cherished by that that care. And so importantly that the BULLIES must STOP. <br /><br />Bryan - you're a glorious man... I wish you'd rewrite the part where you say that you feel angry with yourself that you didn't get angry... and you put the anger where it belonged: with the folk who did not stand up FOR and WITH you. <br /><br /><br />Ultimately your parents and teachers didn't do their job. It was NOT your fault. And it's NOT okay. <br /><br /><br />If you'd had a father/mother who said: "what they're doing is ABSOLUTELY not okay, and I will STOP THIS NOW. NO child of mine will be treated like this, and I'm going to be here for you EVERY step of the way. I CARE ABOUT YOU, and You matter to me, and it DEVASTES me that ANYONE would treat you like this. I LOVE YOU, and I will do EVERYTHING to stop it!" What would you feel about yourself? Would you still be angry with yourself? Would the bullying have stopped? If they had stood BY you and UP for you, how would THAT have impacted who you are and how you see yourself?<br /><br />Did you know other folk who's parents were there - present, loving, engaged, and involved? How does the child feel about themselves? <br /><br />It wasn't your fault. You're a sweet, beautiful, kind soul - that should have been nurtured, encouraged, and delighted in. <br /><br />I'm giving you a HUGE HUG. You're a Honey! I wish you knew how amazing you are! Beaming you love! <br /><br />Love<br />Natalie<br />Nataliehttp://facebook.com/natalielambnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587902609826926070.post-22075082528297273832013-03-15T20:25:17.350-07:002013-03-15T20:25:17.350-07:00Thank you Bryan for being willing to share ur hear...Thank you Bryan for being willing to share ur heart with us readers. I too was bullied unmercifully as a child. I was overweight and wore glasses and I was teased so bad. I remember one time one fellow tried to run me off the side of the road into a ditch I was walking and he was on his bike. I was picked at and called more names at school than I can care to remember. I never had a boyfriend because all the boys ever did was tease me, hit me, and call me names. I remember at my prom I wanted to invite my friend Rose and no we werent a couple just best friends but the school refused to allow it because it would look like we were a couple. Oh my!! How closed minded can people be!! Anyways I just wanted to say thank u for sharing ur story. It gives hope to the rest of us that we are not alone in our own stories of bullying. God bless!!Jenniferhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12017065592822268797noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587902609826926070.post-61551393452693955982013-03-03T11:05:45.971-08:002013-03-03T11:05:45.971-08:00Hi Bryan,
Thank you so much for posting this. It ...Hi Bryan,<br /><br />Thank you so much for posting this. It pains me to see someone like you still struggling with this on certain levels.<br /><br />"he has an inner strength I only wish I could have had at his age" I hope you do realise, in depth, that this is because of YOU and Jay!<br /><br />I'm currently studying to become a trainer to help kids who are being bullied. In this program it's all about standing your ground. I do get it when you say "I know now that you can't depend on people to fix everything.". That's is a good life lesson, but that doesn't mean that they shouldn't have guided you to being able to help yourself.<br /><br />Parenting AND teaching is about being guides. In what I can see, you both are guides when needed. They are both lucky to have you both!<br /><br />At first when reading your story (after feeling sad) I felt like reaching out to you as a kid. But then I thought, wouldn't it be great if YOU could. Not to show who you became, or where you're at, just because I know you are the strong, open-minded loving men a child like you were, was in need for.<br /><br />But maybe we should turn it around. Let the younger you come to you. Not knowing that he's looking at his older version. What would he see, looking at you being a stranger? How would he feel of you? I can imagine (really) that being honest, really honest about yourself from this perspective is really hard. The moment you dare to articulate how your inner child thinks of a person like you being more then allright (understatement) is hard. I figure he would be thinking: he's awesome. He understands, with him I would be safe. Am I wrong?<br /><br />From a personal perspective, I think (at this point in my life) that low self esteem issues I also have, are those of the younger version(for the most part). The little voice in my head saying the things you've mentioned (Did I hurt someone, can I, dare I, watch out don't get hurt, I failed again.), is in fact the young me talking. As an adult I know I'm ok. But I (in my core) don't feel it. In my core I am the little boy who didn't feel the love, strenght, attention he needed.<br /><br />I feel like a parent who knows that his kid is not doing/thinking the right things, but doesn't know what to do, to say or to show him, just because I haven't figured that part out myself. But as soon as I do, I guide him. Telling him the things he should have been told years ago. ("No, it's not ok thinking that, and this is why not...")<br /><br />You've told your story on the right time for me as a person and as the trainer I want to become.<br /><br />And I really have to add, your families stories have been exactly what I needed personaly. When I discovered them beginning 2013, my life took a different turn. I am still figuring it out what turn though. So thank you (all) for that! Thank you both for your honesty about yourself and about your relationship. It is helping me a lot!<br /><br />A big hug for you and JayAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12107622591812109398noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587902609826926070.post-87535844639998249272013-03-01T18:27:11.314-08:002013-03-01T18:27:11.314-08:00Thank you Bryan for such an honest, poignant blog ...Thank you Bryan for such an honest, poignant blog about bullying. I'm 41, and have avoided revisiting my own similar memories of being bullied as a child. You expressed yourself with such raw eloquence that it's making me think that perhaps I should. A really inspiring, thought-provoking read. johnthreethttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03798756137332054158noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587902609826926070.post-18204507785694111532013-02-28T23:54:49.137-08:002013-02-28T23:54:49.137-08:00Hey Bryan..we are all here in the same boat. I ca...Hey Bryan..we are all here in the same boat. I can still remember my older sister calling me "Jimet" instead of Jim... She has apologized over and over and over.. HEY!!! I wanted an "Easy Bake Oven" for Christmas.. Those were different times but YES those scars will be with us until we die..unfortunately there is no erasing... That little kid Bryan has morphed into a beautiful man that is a stellar Dad who loves his kids and his husband more than himself... So..I guess we all need to go to Wallgreen's (they support gay rights) and buy some of that"goop" that heals wounds and go on... :)Jim Stonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12387924451130690320noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587902609826926070.post-5813184128923103032013-02-27T18:35:19.050-08:002013-02-27T18:35:19.050-08:00Thank you, Bryan, for responding to the question r...Thank you, Bryan, for responding to the question regarding changing anything.<br /><br />If your prayer tonight was "thank you", it would be enough. <br /><br />I already know you have a grateful heart from the creation this website. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587902609826926070.post-65431959660788551272013-02-27T16:44:04.912-08:002013-02-27T16:44:04.912-08:00@ the anonymous poster who asked me if I would cha...@ the anonymous poster who asked me if I would change anything now....<br /><br />In short....NO. I have too much to be truly thankfull for. I remember many days when the answer would have been yes in a heartbeat. But all this changed when I acknowledged that all I had gone through had made me stronger and changing the past would mean giving up those lessons. Having a husband and a family that I love more than all those years of pain is another reason why...if I had to...I would go through it again.<br /><br />@ at the OTHER anonymous poster who bullied....<br /><br />As great as it would be for those people to hear an apology for the pain you caused them...being a friend to them now helps. And one way you can help make it better is to never let bullying happen to anyone else when you see it.GFVhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02950236433262366445noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587902609826926070.post-37040679170812032322013-02-26T16:00:15.187-08:002013-02-26T16:00:15.187-08:00I used to bully certain kids at school. This Austr...I used to bully certain kids at school. This Australasian girl, I bullied her through out 6th grade, spreading nasty rumors about her . This Mexican kid, I used to do and say the most racist things to him, and joke about his citizen status. And this perverted boy I used to physically abuse him in P.E, I'd kick him and chase him around with my friends and we were dumb back then so I had everyone isolate him, I told everyone not to talk to him, and when he came near to cross your fingers and run away. I used to bully this girl about her parents not loving her. And this middle eastern girl, I'd joke about her teeth, her religion, I used to take money from her. And this emo-scene type girl, her laziness made me angry so I'd call her out, everyday. and there was this little new kid,everyone thought he was gay,he would walk with his binder in his chest and drive through people in the hall and he did it to me, and I did what I did best I put him in his place. I bullied this fat kid..he'd eat up a storm, and talk about wanting to lose weight, so I told him what was on my mind...everyday. And then some finally had the courage to snitch on me...so I called it quits. I only did it cause I had serious anger issue, and knew I wasn't gonna get caught, I was young and dumb. I'm in 9th grade now, and I have become friends with the kids I bullied. I never really said sorry, cause I don't like to bring it up. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587902609826926070.post-28902630292135334402013-02-26T15:54:30.020-08:002013-02-26T15:54:30.020-08:00Wow.
Thank you, Bryan.
I see a lot of similariti...Wow.<br /><br />Thank you, Bryan.<br /><br />I see a lot of similarities in your story with my life as a gay man.<br /><br />The bully I faced was the one who I loved the most and in my own family. It was my own mother. <br /><br />I listened to her ridicule gay people during my developmental years as a teenager while I suffered in silence. The result of this was a failed suicide attempt my first year in college. I have no contact with her today.<br /><br />Here is a question I asked myself as I am an advocate for faith and spirituality which can be an unobstructed path to hope provided it is not used agaisnt us by the so-called anti-gay, religious leaders.<br /><br />If I could somehow go back in time and have God give me a different mother to have prevented the bullying would I take it???<br /><br />No. Because today I talk LGBT kids out of suicide. I understand how they feel because I have been there. I would never be doing suicide prevention work for LGBT youth if something bad had not happened to me. I am just lucky I failed. <br /><br />When somebody commits suicide from bullying of anykind the entire world loses.<br /><br />So here is my question to you , Bryan.<br /><br />Would you trade all this beautiful work you are doing on this website and reaching people all over the world with Hope to have not experienced all that pain and adversity when you were younger???<br /><br />You turned your pain into power dear boy. Perhaps, that is a real super hero. I know you would disagree with the super hero analogy as I read your response in an earlier blog. But that makes the analogy more valid because it shows you have humility which is a trait of a real leader.<br /><br />Keep up your good work as there is so much healing in all this.<br /><br />Truth, Wisdom, Love and Sincerity, to ALL mankind.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587902609826926070.post-15005594141876101182013-02-26T11:56:50.487-08:002013-02-26T11:56:50.487-08:00Bryan, you don't have to feel embarrassed beca...Bryan, you don't have to feel embarrassed because of the bullying. You are everything that is right in this world and you didn't deserve all the bullying in school.<br /><br />A recent study has shown that the effects of bullying don't simply vanish once you quit school: 1420 people have been asked, if they had been bullied between the ages of 9 and 16 years. As young adults (19-26 years) they were checked for psychiatric disorders.<br />The results: Anxiety disorders were least diagnosed within the group of youths who have not been bullied (6%). 24% of those who were bullied suffer from anxiety disorders and those who were both bullies and victims had an even higher rate (32%). The last group was also most diagnosed with depression and suicidal thoughts.<br />Source: http://archpsyc.jamanetwork.com/article.aspx?articleid=1654916Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587902609826926070.post-46708270783470677212013-02-26T01:55:20.228-08:002013-02-26T01:55:20.228-08:00I was a thin bony child all awkward angles and in ...I was a thin bony child all awkward angles and in some ways quite literally in another world. I lacked the meanness I saw in others I was quicker about understanding the social rule over any efforts I put into the work thrown at me and I was poor, hell with $4k to my name now I still am. I am a 'white' child of the ghetto. I am also a Choctaw that grew up as an outsider to both my native heritage and the white, and Christian, culture that does not (here at the time) contain language for my experiences. O and then the whole gay thing with a trans parent. So different in ways no one I knew understod. Yet all the same at the same time. <br />I was bullied briefly, at least directly. Having rage issues that forced me to see the counselor the other kids got the message pretty clearly, if your gonna do something to me do it where I don't know its you and don't be direct-im not the one to leave it half done. It did not stop all bullying, of course, and I do still have extreme response to certain topics( words are a good thing because I can't do nice for a select group of about 20? People, they deserve rather vile things and not merely because I was a victim of theirs). The vast majority of my bullying was small, gum in hair, comments but only so far, the biggest bully for me was that I always felt like an outsider and I never wanted to be defined by these others who did not want to know me so mutch as put me in some ill conceived hole.<br /><br />My thoughts are this, it is a failure on the part of the adults in a child's life to not, at minimum, attempt to give the child appropriate tools survive. And too many times we accept situations that cause a failure to thrive because the act of changing it requires a change in ourselves. <br /><br />I can say that I have attempted to apologize to nearly every person I knew I had wrongqsteeldragohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13726804816418609288noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587902609826926070.post-52877279878626740372013-02-25T21:44:13.606-08:002013-02-25T21:44:13.606-08:00Brian,
I too was bullyed in High School. In fact ...Brian,<br /><br />I too was bullyed in High School. In fact I tried to kill my self 4 times durning high school. 2 of those times was because someone was bullying me every day when I was at school. As I had graduated and went a different direction I started reading a book called "The Sedona Method", which I was then able to let go of all that shit that happen. <br /><br />Thanks, JasonAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587902609826926070.post-38462550108304745742013-02-25T21:41:13.968-08:002013-02-25T21:41:13.968-08:00I was bullied in school and it hurt. I felt power...I was bullied in school and it hurt. I felt powerless. The teachers didn’t give a shit and I couldn’t go to my parents. It was a rough, tough, lonely time. <br /><br />It got better. Way better. I came out, dated, dated some more, shacked-up with a great guy and had kids. Crazy.<br /><br />The twins will soon start kindergarten here in San Francisco. Having two dads, I’m apprehensive about bullying. I’d hate for them to be targeted because of us. <br /><br />My partner and I have talked a lot about bullying. We come from two different places. He wasn’t bullied and liked school. So alien.<br /><br />One night he reminded me the kids are not me. They won’t have the same experience I had. The kids have two dads (and a huge extended family) who will love and support them completely. When (and if) something arrises, they will have teachers, friends and two dads who will kick ass. <br /><br />Thanks for putting in so much time on your site. <br /><br />Whacked Daddy<br /><br />PS My daughter wants to “sing on the computer” like your daughter. <br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587902609826926070.post-32224053478812973352013-02-25T10:41:48.454-08:002013-02-25T10:41:48.454-08:00Thanks to everyone for their responses. It can be ...Thanks to everyone for their responses. It can be difficult to be this revealing...even when you initiate it yourself. Your responses have been touching and I am grateful for each one :)<br />BryanGFVhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02950236433262366445noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587902609826926070.post-86227825795575544972013-02-25T00:15:50.197-08:002013-02-25T00:15:50.197-08:00Completely unrelated, perhaps. For the sake of not...Completely unrelated, perhaps. For the sake of not mongering drama but still fulfilling my need to speak. I will be obtuse Visitors can be wonderful guests but it can be sad to see them leave. This has happened once before and I had to say goodbye then.<br />Know friends that even if I cannot do much physically meaningful for you I do still care and wish you peace comfort and love. steeldragohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13726804816418609288noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587902609826926070.post-21844295290974631162013-02-24T12:03:57.985-08:002013-02-24T12:03:57.985-08:00Another great post, I really like posts like this ...Another great post, I really like posts like this where you get to have a peak into what makes up the person writing them.<br /><br />I remember school very well, and the bullying though not as physical as yours (in part because the couple of times that it did get physical is when I would stand up for myself and put those trying to get physical to shame.) but from school was never a very nice place for me, I was over weight and just did not fit in that well, things started to get bad in middle school which is when the bullies started to pick on my sexuality, even though I was not even out to myself. I hated high school because it only got worse, It got so bad on the bus that I had to stop ridding and would wait up to a half hour after school got out until mom could get off work and pick me up, it is also why I got my driver license and started driving myself to school as soon as I could. <br /><br />I was bullied very much on my sexuality and just took it and that fostered a lot of hate in myself, I learned just to take it and not really stand up for my self. I got to the point that I thought that I deserved it and that I was not worth being treated well. I did every thing that I could to not stand out and to just blend into the back ground which meant that I did not socialise very much at all but instead would spend a lot of time off on my own just berried in books where I could escape for a while into a world where I did not have to deal with any of that. (being a book worm is something that I think is a positive as to this day I love to read, and am able to read multiple books at the same time and keep track of what is going on in all of them.)<br /><br />At 25 those scares still shape who I am, I still have issues with self esteem and feeling that I am worth anything, and that I deserve to be happy and to be treated like I matter. I still tend to blend into the back ground and be very unassertive even when people are treating me unfairly, and instead feel like they are right about me. I also have quite a shell that makes it hard for me to let people into my life, and to open up to them, or to even socialise. I do feel how ever that it has made me a stronger person,(along with other things in my life) I do feel that I am a much better person because of the bullying that I went threw. On of the biggest things that I think going threw that has done is it to make me a much more compassionate person which is something that I think is very good. aNorthWestViewhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03598507140332496283noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587902609826926070.post-65132535654439896852013-02-24T11:17:52.415-08:002013-02-24T11:17:52.415-08:00Brilliant post! I do love reading these kind of &q...Brilliant post! I do love reading these kind of "warts an all" posts by people because there's so many different lessons to be learned with each part of it. <br /><br />I think the main effect of bullying for many of us, is that yes, it does shape who we are today and what we do in our lives. It kind of teaches us to look out for it happening to our loved ones and i think hind sight is a perfect thing, because now, most of us know we would deal with the bullys differently. <br /><br />I went through the school bullying over my sexuality and because i left myself as the easy target, i don't regret any of it happening because these days i find it much easyer to sit back and laugh when karma strikes each and every one of them kids who called me names, spat at me, pinned me up against a wall, tripped me over etc. <br /><br />While some of it maybe un-easy for you to talk about Bryan, your storys like you say may well get read by a teenage boy who's at the snapping point and thinking of taking their own lives, if posts like this can help them to see that others have been through it and that it really does get better, then job well done to everyone who shared their story with the world. BevLivehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15412592445482894288noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587902609826926070.post-36493986490856512812013-02-24T09:39:06.394-08:002013-02-24T09:39:06.394-08:00Strange coincidence,before reading your post, I to...Strange coincidence,before reading your post, I told my partner,today at lunch,after 17 years we are togheter, how I was bullyied during high school.There weren't such bad facts like the ones that happened to you, but left the same feelings of fear, low self esteem and desire to be invisible, but I was lucky to have the same friends for years, even if they didn't seemed to know what I was going through.I'm 44 now but still have those scars inside me.Involving my loved one today maybe could be a way to deal with those years, we'll see. I think you're a very generous and brave person. Wish the best for you and your beloved family. Hugs from Max, ItalyAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13730813218790177993noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587902609826926070.post-59490757474915584692013-02-24T06:09:14.474-08:002013-02-24T06:09:14.474-08:00I remeber my high school years and how deal with b... I remeber my high school years and how deal with bullying. I was fat , wearing glasses. People called me some names and some other embrassing stuff. But i told myself i can't let this happen to be, i ca't escape and hide. So i learn to deal with them. I learn to became badass person because i had to. As an adult now when i looked at these years i thought how silly i was .Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587902609826926070.post-30058869547421029672013-02-23T22:38:24.857-08:002013-02-23T22:38:24.857-08:00Bryan, I just want to give you a big hug! It make...Bryan, I just want to give you a big hug! It make me sad to know that a man as big hearted and caring (and extremely handsome) as you was intensely bullied as a kid. I'm glad that you and Jay found each other and that you have a family that loves and cares for you as you do them. <br />Much love to you and everyone who goes through something like this... It breaks my heart!Sam Galatihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11917480731609929466noreply@blogger.com