The Naked Truth...Pt 2: Body Image And Our Inner Critic

Sometimes simple stories bring up themes that go far beyond the simple details of the story itself and last weeks feature on Tom Ford was no exception. To refresh our memories...Tom Ford, the famous fashion designer and film director was featured in an issue of Interview magazine and in that article he discusses societies discomfort with showing naked men and his own penchant for not wearing any clothes while at home. Which lead me to ask my blog readers why it is that Americans are o.k. seeing a woman completely naked yet we censor a similarly naked man.

But as with most good topics, there is so much more to talk about than just what lies on the surface. I don't know about anyone else, but when I read that Mr. Ford hangs around his house in the nude, my first thought was how confident he must be with his own body to be comfortable doing that. That is simply something that I would not be comfortable doing for obvious reasons...like my families horrified looks...as well as those reasons I will explain below.

But first a disclaimer....Last week I got accused of parading around my house naked in front of my children simply because I posted about Mr. Ford doing it and probably because it was a rather frank discussion about an adult topic. So let me be clear....I am not advocating any such thing. This topic is meant to address the attitudes we carry in our most private selves as adults navigating an adult world. This is not meant to address how to appropriately teach kids about the human body...that said...Let's move on...

Very few of us can stand in front of a mirror and be 100% happy with what we see...some of us are not even 50% happy....many even less. We see mirrors and scales as harsh task masters, reminding us of our shortcomings. We stand in front of the mirror and ignore our good features in favor of a laundry list of flaws...how our shirt pulls too tight exposing a belly that just wont go way...the gray hairs that weren't there yesterday, and the hair on our heads that used to be. Maybe you don't like your nose, your teeth, your body hair, your butt...you name it and there will be a voice in your head to tear you up for it.

My own experiences with negative body image began at the age when kids begin to get the notion that there are "cool kids" and that you may not be one of them. I was a really skinny kid...and, yes I know that's a problem that lots of people would love to have and I would have gladly traded...believe me. This was not good skinny, this was unhealthy skinny. The biggest part of my entire body was my ears. I used to get teased from my parents as well as from the kids at school and it didn't take long before I learned to hate everything about myself. When I looked in the mirror at my twelve year old self, all I could feel was disgust. I wanted to obliterate everything about myself and change into someone else. I wanted to have a handsome, manly face instead of a childlike one...to have smaller ears...a bulkier, more muscular body...blond hair and blue eyes like the cool kid in my class that everyone followed around...I would have changed it all. While my body did eventually change and fill out, it was not until I was out of high school and by then it was too late...self hatred had become a way of life. By then it was the nineties and all that had changed in terms of the ideal man was that big hair was out....tanned and shaved muslcle men were the order of the day. I remember looking at the men in the Calvin Klein cologne ads like Obsession...or like Mark Wahlbergs underwear ad and wishing I could look like that...but fearing that it would probably never be.

My husband Jays experience was not unlike my own...just on the other end of the spectrum. His mother teased him everyday about being a fat kid. It became so harsh that it became psychologically scarriing.  He loved to be at school because that was where he could get away from everything that was happening at home. So it's no surprise that he was a popular kid with tons of friends, played sports, and was probably one of those people who made my life a living hell in order to avoid his own...life's just funny that way. Yet, no matter what other people saw on the outside, Jay could only see himself as "the fat kid" on the inside.

Careful observers of our YouTube video's may notice somethings about Jay.  he always wears baggy clothes that hide his shape and does his best to hide his stomach...that's just the way Jay likes it. Clothes shopping with him is a nightmare. When he tries something on and I don't have an immediate and definitively positive response to his outfit, it gets taken as confirmation of his worst fears about himself. he comes out of the dressing room looking sheepish and uncomfortable. It's got to be either thumbs up...or thumbs down...there is no middle ground or I have a crazed and neurotic husband on my hands who's angry at me. Who knew shopping for tshirts would be that fraught with danger!?

And he can not wear anything that hugs the shape of his body...it  makes him feel exposed and uncomfortable. Now...I happen to like the way my husband looks. He has a great shape to his back, broad shoulders, and a nice chest. But put him in a tshirt that shows that off, and he will tug at it fitfully like a four year old in his first church suit. Lets just say that I tread lightly when I hear the words..."be honest. does this look ok?" That usually translates to, "This outfit pushes all my anxiety buttons and you better tread lightly or I might unexpectedly strike out like a cornered mongoose."

To add insult to injury, getting older means our bodies become more prone to holding on to excess weight...and I am one of those people who does not put on weight in an attractive way. It all tends to go right to my stomach and nowhere else. The end result looks a little like I'm in my second trimester of pregnancy.  I often tease myself that I look like a snake that swallowed a baby. I see lots of guys who are a little heavier and find them attractive...but I do not like it in myself. But...no matter how my waist size may change..or my beard get grayer...I still always see myself through the eyes of that painfully skinny twelve year old boy who wanted to be anybody but himself.

What we find attractive in others..we may not be able to tolerate in ourselves. The men I most often find attractive are a far cry from underwear models. They are beautiful because of their natural masculinity. Body hair, a little extra weight around the middle...all these things can be just as attractive as a guy who was born with perfect genetics. However, while a little extra weight around the tummy can make a guy look cute...  that  doesn't mean I like it on myself. The first gray hairs and wrinkles around the eyes that I think makes another man look distinguished, make me feel different about myself. What you may not like on you..someone else may love.... Calvin Klein aesthetics be damned. As harshly as we judge ourselves...and as narrow as societies depictions of beauty may be...who we find truly beautiful will always defy that.

So Tom Ford is comfortable enough with himself to do something that most of us would be uncomfortable doing. And I think I made no bones in the last post that I think Tom Ford is an extremely handsome man...and...the thought of him reading the morning paper in nothing at all gives me palpatations. However, I bet even Mr. Ford flinches a bit in front of his own mirror. Somewhere deep in that man is the ghost of a long ago version of himself that colors who he see's today. Maybe he's fortunate enough to have healed those scars such that they are only a faded echo and maybe that helps his work today. I know that Ford claimed that his method of creating clothing is to enhance the beauty that he already sees in his clients but his clothing lines continue to cater to the ultra slim models that make the rest of us feel like that clothing just isn't meant for us.

The naked truth is being able to look in that mirror and ask yourself some hard questions about why we think the way we do. Are the attitudes we have about the naked human body a consequence of our own personal taste, or the worn out echoes of our parents telling us that our bodies are something to be ashamed of. When we criticize ourselves..is it coming from our own sense of whats beautiful, or what we see projected on to us everyday. The naked truth may not be easy to face...but it is quite often beautiful. Maybe the next time you look in the mirror you will see it in youself.

until next time dear readers.....