Milestones...."The Talk"

Well its become time for another one of those big moments in one of our children's lives....Daniel received the "Birds and Bees" talk...

This is usually one of those moments that most parents have a tough time with. Its not that we dread it, because we all want our kids to grow up with the right information so they can make the best choices possible when it comes to sex and love....but most of us didn't have parents who were o.k. enough with sexuality to tell us anything more than "don't do it till your married"....if we got anything at all. For many of us, sex education meant sixth grade sex ed class, whatever we heard on the playground, or whatever we saw in stolen moments in porn magazines. Understandably that left big gaps in our knowledge of what sex was and was not. Most of us have had to come to our understanding of this subject through our own trial and error...and made many a mistake along the way.

Jay and I determined long ago that we never wanted our children to find out about sex that way. That we would do our best to be as forthright and honest about the subject as possible within the limits of age appropriate information. We wanted them to grow up without shame and dirty feelings...but also to know sex in terms of love and with a sense of personal responsibility for their actions. We thought we were ready to tackle whatever they could throw at us...

Then it happened...The note came home from school that Daniels class would be conducting sex ed this year....Our real reaction?.....Aw crap! Can't he stay a boy just a little while longer? This is all happening too fast.


We knew our time was up....

Daniel wasn't getting any younger and we wanted to be able to talk to him before he heard it in class...or worse, from his friends at school. However, we had no idea how to do it. Whats age appropriate for a boy of ten? How far was his class sex ed program going to go? How do we talk about sexual difference and being gay? Will I be able to take it when he asks very frank and pointed questions? There were too many questions and t soon became apparent that these dads needed to be schooled in how to have "the talk".

So we read online for information. We found thousands of parents in the same boat as us, and a general consensus that having the talk with them sooner was better than later.....before they hear things like "oral sex isn't really sex" or the "everybodies doing it" meme. But no one had good information on what you do, and do not tell a ten year old. So we asked other parents many of whom had the same "deer in the headlights" look we had...no luck there. So we continued to fret about it.

We borrowed the actual videos that they would be showing Daniel in class, to find out what exactly the school was going to cover. Those dam things must have sat on our shelf for nearly three weeks before we finally watched them. Each day we eyed them warily...as they reminding us that we could not put of the inevitable. Then, one day an event happened where we caught a friend of Daniels simulating sex on a pillow...fully dressed mind you...and no one else was in the room but him and Daniel, who thought the whole thing was funny. We did not freak out externally...but after talking to his mother about what happened we came away with an even stronger sense of urgency that we needed to have "the talk" with Daniel soon. Incidents like that one was not how we wanted him to discover what sex is.  So we took a deep breath, sat down, and popped in the video's that Daniels entire class would soon be watching whether we were ready or not.

It wasn't as bad as we thought....

However, it became instantly clear that the videos were ancient. They must have been put together in the late 80's at best...with cheesy rock and big hair. The educational content wasn't as bad as the appearance though and it was clear that that they took great pains to put the topic on a kids level. So we decided to sit down and watch these videos with Daniel, instead of previewing them separately. Then we could  answer any questions he had as they came up.

The first video covered AIDS by using baseball analogies and by turning the virus and blood cells into goofy costumed monsters. The last video covered puberty and body changes by following the stories of another classroom of children having to watch their own video on sex ed. It was pretty comprehensive about a variety of topics for both boys and girls...but stopped short at the mechanics of sex and reproduction. They didn't talk about "where babies come from" at all, which I found found odd for a "sex ed" video. I wondered whether this was done because they felt the information was not appropriate for this age level..or if they were letting the school decide on whether to go fill in the gaps...perhaps because some schools may be on the "abstinence only" plan. You never know....

Anyhow, I have to admit...I hyperventilated a little when they got in to the first graphic descriptions about erections, wet dreams and so on. I had a tiny freak out because I had been so accustomed to sheltering Daniel from sex...now here we were watching it in very frank terms. It took me a while to regain my composure. Heh...and I thought I was ready for this.

After, the video came a strange and pregnant silence...(pun intended). So we took the lead by letting Daniel know that he could always trust us with any questions he had...or about anything he see's or hears from his friends regarding sex...including the gay stuff. We let him know not to be afraid, that he will never get in trouble for asking, and we would always give him the very best information that we had. We kind of sketched out a rough idea of sex between a man and a woman and let him know that's how babies were actually come from....We went on to talk about how we don't share what we know with the younger kids...how important it is to be responsible with our sexuality and all the dangers that can come from acting irresponsibly. It was alot for all of us and when were done we hoped we had done a good job...but also knew this would not be the last time we had this talk with Daniel.

Daniel then impressed us by not freaking out and darting out of the room in his haste to escape. He asked honest and thoughtful questions...questions that let us know that he had already been hearing things and thinking about the topic And my son.....who normally does not share his innermost thoughts and feelings, opened up. He made me very proud of him in that moment with his sober attitude and thoughtfulness. It turned out to be a good father son bonding moment between the three of us. It would seem that all three of us reached a milestone that afternoon.

Daniel has now crossed a threshold that I can never make him uncross. As much as I want to, I can't keep him young forever. He's steadily becoming a young man...and that fact makes me both proud and wistfull at the same time. He now knows the facts of life...he's getting old enough for scary movies...whats next? Where is this time going?

Ah well...one down...Just wait till Selena's in fifth grade and it's her turn for "the talk".... O-O .... *faint*