Monday, April 18, 2011

My Son's First Crush

Every day our kids get a little bigger. Sometimes that growth is easy to see, like when we they learn how to tie their own shoes or when we mark another inch on the growth chart. But along with all the changes they are making outside, they are also maturing inside and it's those changes that can sometimes catch us very off guard as parents. I mean...we know their coming at someday in a theoretical future...but when they actual get here it's still hard to imagine that those words are coming out of your childs mouth. This last week my some has been blowing me away and making me wonder were the little boy has gone. My son Daniel likes a girl...and likes her enough to tell her so in front of his friends. Oh man...I am proud of him and scared to death all at the same moment. Who would have guessed that such a simple part of growing up would fell so complicated.


Now...it's nothing new for Daniel to like a particular girl. By my count we are actually up to girl crush number five with the phenomenon beginning in second grade. The difference between those crushes and this one seems to be significant. In previous times I could ask what he would do if the girl liked him back and wanted to hold his hand? This would usually make all the blood drain out of his face and he would scurry into the other room and try to wash the offending proposition out of his mind by any means necessary. Then he would be free to eventually return to claiming that he loved his crush-de-jour and would someday marry her....all without dad's pesky observations about what actually having a wife and family would entail of course. Also,...it should be mentioned that Daniel has often fallen in love with a cookie. Those are usually very short affairs that end in a delicious tragedy.

So I was somewhat surprised when my son, the many times over cookie widower, asked me how you know your really in love with someone. I had to admit I struggled a little bit with this one since we were in the middle of dinner and my mind was anywhere else but how to explain to my ten year old son how to know he's genuinely in love. However, the very fact that he can ask that question signaled to me that he had crossed a major threshold and I was watching it unfold before my eyes. First I tried my dad trick of making consider the realities of having an actual...versus imaginary...girlfriend. "But Daniel", I said, "What would you do if she liked you back and wanted to hold your hand or do girlfriend stuff?" To this he just shrugged and waited for the answer to his question. Uh Oh....he really wants to know...now what?

This isn't like the Santa/Easter bunny conversation where I can just fail to confirm or deny the reality of the situation. Daniels figured that one out on his own but if I fail him in this....the consequences may be much worse. But how to explain romantic love to a ten year old when millions of song writers can sum it up in the entire history of recorded music?...much less explain it on a ten year old level. In the end I settled on telling him something that I learned long ago when I had never been in love before...love is undeniable. When you are in love you will know it from the top of your head to the souls of your feet. If your head gets in the way and your asking yourself if what your feeling is really love than maybe should should slow down and take it a little more cautiously. It wasn't a perfect explanation but I was truly at a loss in that moment. After the fact you always think of the super awesome parent things to say but I was just too caught off guard in that moment to come up with something wiser.

As time went by, the situation continued to develop. Daniel sent her a note....she ripped it up and threw it away. She began throwing food at Daniel....and Daniel began to lose hope. It was confusing to Daniel when I explained to him that sometimes, when a girl likes a boy...and vice versa...sometimes they do mean things. They do that to get the attention of the person they like, perhaps because they can't deal with their own feelings yet. But then...sometimes people are just mean so proceed with caution. "But Dad! That's crazy!" he said, "Why would anyone do that?!"   Welcome to love and romance in the fifth grade son....It doesn't get any easier as you get older. Eventually the girl put the word out to the playground that she kinda liked Daniel back and Daniels hope returned. Later in the week she confronted him...with another girl flying wingmate of course...and strongly suggested to Daniel that she wanted him to ask her out. Ok...time for dad to pull the brakes on this....ask her out?

Let the parental freak out commence!...

My son is ten! Having a girlfriend is impractical and a bit inappropriate for his age and dating is out of the question. In addition, my husband Jay has determined that his is not allowed to have a girlfriend yet. That's the official dad decree. Even if these two worked it out between them...somewhere out there is another set of parents who may be equally struggling to deal with all of this. What are they thinking of all this? Do they even have the kind of relationship with their daughter in which she tells them these things?

In addition, I  can't be sure what these kids are talking about in school. For them, dating may just mean a slightly upgraded version of a play date in which parents take kids to an event like the movies and stick to them like glue. on the flip side, it's also possible that playground talk may be more adult than any of us realise and kids may know more then they let on(now the bloods draining out of my face). That was certainly true in my elementary school years and is a big factor influencing my decision.  I trust my son to talk to me if he has questions about what he may hears other kids talk about. We've had conversations like that in the past...but...that doesn't mean I believe he tells me everything. The upside is that Daniel is a capital "H"...HORRIBLE...secret keeper. If he was hearing adult things at school he would let it slip in less than 24 hours  and we could begin to talk about it.

In the end it was my Grandmother who helped put it in perspective..."Just let it be friends...let it be sweet", ws her advice. She came from a day when holding hands was actually a big deal for any teenager and while I know that we don't live in that world any longer, I could hear what she was trying to say. It's o.k. to have crushes and like someone else without it having to mean all the things that we might place on it. For them, being boyfriend and girlfriend might be names they are only trying on to see what it feels like. Let it be sweet, let it be innocent, but keep it in strict boundaries...like family attended events or recess at school. Chances are they will make and break alliances so quickly we won't be able to keep up with it anyway.

So while I may not be ready, Daniel is becoming more ready every day and I can't change that. One day. dating and girls will be a common part of his life and nothing to be overly concerned about. But for now...I just want to hold on to the little boy who marries cookies just a moment longer. I'm not ready to say goodbye to those days just yet. While I am proud of the young man he is becoming...and I celebrate each new milestone both my kids reach...it is still hard to grow with them sometimes.

But just because he is growing up...it doesn't mean I have too, and I will continue to tease Daniel about his fear of girls, his marriages to desert items, and anything else I can think of until I know longer have the privilege of having him around to tease. Some of us just never grow up : P

Until next time dear readers....

20 comments:

  1. Great and sweet article Bryan! Whenever i see kids having that first crush or discovering the different romantic feelings a person can have I think of the Movie Little Manhattan. Have you seen it? You guys should check it out. It's a very cute movie about two 11 year olds falling in love.

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  2. "Let the parental freak out begin"

    Sorry guys, but I laughed out loud at that comment (for real, not a simple LOL at the right moment). My parents, to my knowledge, knew virtually nil about my dating issues...well, until the guy broke up with me in a public way, but that's a different story...

    It's probably a very kid's version of dating. I doubt there's anything huge you two need to worry about since Daniel is still very young. But your son continues to amaze me in all the ways he's growing up and I'm sure you guys are amazed too. But if the kids want to "date" then you and Jay along with her parents need to set the rules for them and if they go on "dates" accompany them. When Daniel reaches the appropriate age Jay thinks he should be at, then he can go on dates by himself (my first date was at age 16). But I don't think it will EVER be comfortable for you two, no matter if Daniel is 10 or 100. He'll always be your baby in your eyes, even after he's long grown up and starts a life of his own. I trust that Jay and you are treating him right and showing him everything you know about being a good human being. This little girl is in for a treat getting to know him =) Don't stress you guys <3 Everything will be ok <3

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  3. I loved your post! :)
    You're his dad, it`s normal to be worried, but really, I think there is nothing to be worried about, "10 year old kid dating" is holding hands and sharing lunch! ;) And I think you guys have great comunication with him so he would tell you if something "serious" was going on! :)

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  4. Hey Bryan
    I woke up to this wonderful snippet into your life & it took me back 5 years ago with my sons 1st teenage girlfriend.... the thing, it was no surprise as it was the love of his life from Kindergarten... His first day at kindy he fell in love with all his tiny 4 yr heart... he protected her, played with her all the girl games she wanted, fought off the bullies then when he got to school he pick up where he left off.... so at the age of 12/13 when they got to high school they ended up Boyfriend/Girlfriend not sure why they ended but they are still best friends ...so as a parent I wasn't concerned as he treated her like gold & had done since 4 years old...
    Jays right about dating that can wait kids grow up to fast... they need to keep it innocent & fun I wish my son had kept his innocent & fun....
    Bella

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  5. @bella

    Aww...thats a great story and does make me feel a little better about everything. One of my worries is that I will overprotect him into total geekhood :/

    Bryan

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  6. awww Bryan geek-hood is all good .... you & Jay adore your children I think Selena will be the one child you will freak out over .... I can see Jay beening the one sitting on the porch with a gun ready to protect your baby girl.... lol image is funny with you in back talking him down ...lol sorry ....probably not making you feel better...Im in a bad place right my Son leaves for his dads in 6 hurs.. so dont worry about the geekness embrace it.... I wish mine was still a geek....
    Bella

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  7. Umm don't want to burst the innocent bubble, but I work in a school with fifth graders. Your son is LUCKY LUCKY LUCKY to have you but I promise that not all parents at his school are like you guys.Keep an ear out for those adult things because they will be coming before you know it! My bunch had plans to go to a under 18 rave party before I busted them and called their parents (FYI some of the parents could have cared less). I personally would hope for the geek, that way only the geek girls with parents who are like you guys will like him back!

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  8. its so sweet. but back in my yrs of elementary school, i was the one who was like teasing and throwing things at girls i liked, not the other way around. daniel's lady friend should really like him xD anyways i find it very cute

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  9. I feel for you Brian. I'm sure I would end up like the Witch in Into the Woods and lock him in a tower because the world could hurt him. And I don't think Daniel would look that good with long hair to try and escape. :)

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  10. glad to see he didn't catch the gay after all those years of you raping him.
    i can't wait till the aids kicks in and you sickos leave the planet

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  11. Hey Brian,

    Being a teenager myself, I certainly agree that we definitely DO NOT live in a world where holding hands is a big deal anymore. There are kids out there who have lost their virginity by the age of 13. I completely understand that anxiety and fear you're experiencing. In addition I can understand Jay's "no dating" rule.

    I'd really like to say that Daniel is a very pure and honest boy. To be able to come right out and confess his feelings - something teenage boys still can't do today, is amazing. And as am I, very proud of him. It's great that he's so honest with you and although he may not tell you 'everything', he's a lot more honest than most.

    I think you should be understanding and just tell him the truth about the world today. Let it on lightly of course - little by little. You don't want to bluntly tell him he's not allowed to date or anything related to it. He's just going to get confused and it'll make him more curious. He might think that he could be doing something wrong and he'll be more likely to hide more things in the future. So you want to remain honest to him too. At least that way, as a teenager later on, he'll know that he has two wonderful, supportive and understanding fathers he knows he can talk to.

    But if you think this feels a little difficult, wait 'til Selena reaches this stage. (but let's just say it's a while to go :P)

    Hope this helps

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  12. Hey peeps. You missing something big here. This is Daniel. It's in his eyes and in his heart. I see him and it easy to see he wears his heart is on his sleave. Get ready for the tears guys, his and yours. Your gonna be dealing with a 10 year old with a broken heart. If not this time...


    Holly

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  13. *update* I gave Daniel the option to "ask her out" to a movie with one of us dads as chaperone and then left it in his court to see if he had the nerve to do it.....after school the next day he informed me that he was gonna wait till highschool when I don't have to be there :P

    Bryan

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  14. Well done Bryan good call... so u are doing great.... waiting to high school so no dad watching his every move very clued in son u have there guys...I love him he is so cool... so did u video that 4 us to see???? lol as that would have been priceless
    Bella

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  15. BTW wrote my 1st ever blog yesterday lol

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  16. "In School" dating was something I had to have my daughter explain to me. It involves lunching together, walking to classes together and general hanging out during school hours. Most public schools have a pretty strong 'no PDA' rule so hand-holding is about as risque as it gets.

    But yes, I remember my own freak out and wish you lots of luck! Parenting is NEVER easy.

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  17. Just another great post, Mon Ami. I know that I never say this enough, but I know that you and Jay are doing a fabulous job raising Daniel and Selena. I know that I could have used your advice growing up, Bryan. Maybe then I wouldn't have hit on you so hard.

    Every time I read one of your posts, I feel better about so many things. And then I read the comments. It just makes me sick that some people actually think and thrive on such hate and lies.

    Daniel and Selena could not have ended up in a better, more loving, or a safer home. Keep up the good fight, Mon Ami. I love you, "brother".

    Always, your older "sister",

    Dianne Rose

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  18. haha you did great!! I think it's great you can talk about it because if you forbide it no questions asked then he'd do it in your back. It's better to "let him" do it but controled ;)

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