Cold Case

Hello everyone. Many of you may remember that last March, Selena had begun asking some very pointed questions about her mother and, at that time, we were doing our best to allow her the fantasies she created while also trying to give her the real story in tiny age appropriate bits. As an adoptive parent you do your best to try and meet your child's needs but no matter how much you may have been expecting these conversations, you may not expect your own emotional reactions to them. While it was clear to us that Daniel wasn't feeling the need to know his bio family...Selena was being affected and seeing the depth of her feeling moved us. Selena needed something to hold on to...some small piece of her mother that can help her understand her story better, even if it's only a picture of her. And so our detective work must begin.

The Problem?.....how do you find someone who doesn't want to be found?


Finding bio parents was something I didn't expect to have to do until Daniel was at least eighteen. When he was five that seemed like a lifetime away. Yet we knew even then that the kids would need something of their family to hold onto, even if just to remember what they look like. We asked for anything we could get....contact numbers, photos...anything that would help the kids when they had questions. Unfortunately dealing with the county is never easy. I don't know if it was because the social worker simply had too many cases to manage or if their mother was just not reachable, but nothing came out of those requests except the redacted CPS records which isn't much to go on.

What he did have was the mothers birth date, a list of her aliases, a very old address, a list of Daniel and Selena's siblings with unmatchable birth dates, mom's blood type, and a city in mexico where Daniels dad came from..and mom's social security number which somehow survived the redaction process. On the surface that sounds like a lot...and normally it would be. In a world where nearly anyone can be Googled revealing startlingly personal info, that doesn't hold true when an individual has a handful of aliases and lived homeless for any period of time. No computer or cell phone means no online trail to follow. And to top it off her last name AND aliases are very common Hispanic names and any Google or Facebook search yields multiple profiles. I know that their must be some way to do this...some trail to follow, but who to call after all this time? It's been seven years and all records are probably sealed up tight.

All we want is a picture....not a reunion of any kind. how the hell are we going to make this happen? I know that it can take adult adoptees years to search out their biological parents and that's when there are clear physical records involved. I am coming to the conclusion that we are just beginning what may be a very long search process. And what happens when we find someone...either their mom, siblings, or Daniels biofather? What then? IN exchange for pictures or other family info, they may want to meet Daniel and Selena....and thats a hell no for me. I can't stop my mind from running through scary kidnap scenarios in that case. Also, the kids are just too young to deal with the mountain of promises, excuses, and outright lies that they would possibly tell to gain their trust and expunge their guilt. The flipside being that they would want no contact whatsoever and that would be just as damaging to the kids.

And dammit, there is the selfish part of me that just doesn't want them to look to anyone else as a parent. I know that we are the adults and we have to put our feelings in the backseat a little bit. But being an adoptive parent...whether gay or straight, means having to deal with this inevitability but that doesn't mean that your heart isn't to be taken into account too. We have always felt that the best policy was to tell the kids everything we could and hope that the bond that we have together will be strong enough to survive when they decide to explore their biological families. After all...we knew from coming out as gay that family is far more then the people that are born to. Family are the people who share the small moments, the good times, the giggles, the homework..as well as stand by you when it gets ugly. I hope that is one thing I have taught Daniel and Selena when I have to love them enough to let them make their own choices in the matter. No one said being a parent was going to be easy. Nor is it to be a kid and have all these questions about your life...that's the part I need to remember when I get insecure.

So I can't believe we are doing this...especially so early...But we are.  Maybe Daniel will be eighteen by the time we find anything. How do you find a person who is basically homeless, unemployed, and moves from place to place? This is one time when I really don't have the answers and I would welcome anyone who has had experience with this. I would really like to help Selena fill in the gaps about who her mom is and who her siblings are but I am not a detective. How do you follow a trail that was cold before it was even officially dead?

Until next time dear readers.....