Saturday, June 30, 2012

The Science Of The Obvious


Some of the news items that pop up on the internet make me facepalm...sometimes roll on the floor laughing....and every once in a while, both. This weeks news nugget has both in spades. It appears that there is now scientific evidence that gay parents go through the same relationship challenges as straight parents. In other words...we have less sex. To which I have only one response....

Um.....Duh? oh, and ..../Facepalm!

Someone had to study this to confirm it?! I know that most blogs are framing this as yet another scientific factoid that can help build bridges with people who are still struggling to deal with the notion of gay marriage, gay parenting, and homosexuality in general but the that the fact required a scientific analysis just boggles my mind. So....let me put this issue to bed(har har) once and for all....

I think I have said frequently that parenting is the best thing I have ever done in my life. I love being a dad, even when I don't like being hip deep in diapers and dirty laundry. Parenting is also very challenging and you're always on duty, twenty four-seven. We often don't get private time until the kids are in bed asleep. So while you still have all the sexual drive you have always had...finding time to express it can be a challenge. You have to find new definitions of spontaneity as kids are genetically wired to detect closed doors. As soon as a doorknob clicks shut they instantly have a question, owie, or issue that simply must be resolved now. So we wait for nap times, schedule activities for them outside the house, or wait till they go to bed at night. But playing the "wait till bedtime" strategy doesn't often pay off as by then you are so tired too that sex comes in a distant second to your desire to pass out. I mean it...there is so much activity in a house with kids that the peacefulness of a house at rest is seductive. I just want to soak in it like a hot bath....and then I usually wake up on the couch three hours later when my husband comes home.

But you do find time to get together....and plenty of it. As the article states, the decline in the frequency of sex is something that you just take as part of being a parent and you get creative to make sure that you find time to bond with your partner, to appreciate each other, and also to maintain your sense of yourself as a sexual being. Those things are an important part of of our relationship health as well as our own personal psychological health. Being a house dad can sometimes make me feel like my sexier years are behind me...as my beard grays, my waistline begins to look like my dads I start to feel more in common with Santa Claus than Magic Mike. We as parents sometimes struggle with a non-sexual image of ourselves as a parent and the reality that we are sexual beings that desire to be seen as vital and alive. Many of us chose to live on one end of that spectrum exclusively but most of us struggle to strike a balance.


However, what this article doesn't address...and should be equally obvious...are the other ways in which gay parents share the same challenges as our heterosexual counterparts. Like when the kids we had prekids stop calling and coming around so often because we can't leave the house at the drop of a hat or because all we tend to talk about are our kids. Or navigating the tough questions.....Will one of us stay at home with the kids? How do we handle discipline if both of us have different parenting styles. How do we maintain our sense of our selves as individuals with interests outside being a parent and a member of a larger sense of family identity? If one of us does stay home, how do we deal with the loss of income? If we have to work, how do we make deal with the feeling that we are missing vital time with the kids? How do we talk to when we just need to blow off steam? The list is endless...But what your wont find on that list is a difference in the way gay couples feel when facing these issues....nor any difference in the way we tackle those issues.

Perhaps it isn't as obvious as I feel it should be. After all, I labored under a host of stereotypes about gay people that I had to unlearn....many very vicious ones. I had no other perspective into the gay community to know that all gay men weren't sex obsessed, alcoholic, lonely, predatory creatures. I blush to type that now but that was what I truly feared was my fate and I had no one to tell me otherwise. I guess it should not come as any surprise to me that studies like this actually do open the eyes of people who saw gay people only as sexual creatures instead of whole human beings. In the minds of many Americans...gay sex is the very first thing they think of when thinking of any topic involving the gay community. It is the feature by which we are most often defined...though thankfully that is a changing dynamic. Being a gay anything is still assumed by the world at large to be different from its straight analogue because we are perceived to be fundamentally different by so many. That is the core of the work we do to bring equality....not to force people to accept some odd and foreign concept but to remind them of our sameness and common humanity.

Bottom line...gay families function the same as straight families with very few exceptions. We struggle with the same issues plus some extra. For some, this study will be enlightening and may serve as that view into a community that they may otherwise not have had. For others of us, this is more science of the obvious. Things we wish the world could just "get" but often doesn't.

But now I open the podium to my readers...and especially the parents in the room. How do you navigate the rocky shoals of parenthood and sex?...Can you view yourself as equal parts Ward/June Cleaver and sex magnet? Do you think that this scientific study is a good and necessary statement about the equality of gay parenting or an unnecessary statement of the obvious? Inquiring minds want to know.....

Until next time dear readers....

P.S....To my parents: Feel no need to respond to this blog post. There just isn't enough bleach in the world to wash that image out of my head.....thank you.



49 comments:

  1. Well said Bryan!! I always get a smile on my face when I see that you have posted another blog.. Sex is an important part of a relationship but it is just one part of many. The homophobes focus on it...like somehow all we do is have sex!!! They never focus on "who's going to cut the grass..or who is going to do the laundry?"

    Back in the 50's Lucy and Ricky were married and on TV they slept on single beds... My..we have come a long way!!

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    1. i agree, i have come to the conclusion that the straights are jealous because they think we gays have a 'luxury' of its all sex all the time without any of the responsibility associated with it. it is like the straights, especially evangelical christians, think that the fact of our being gay immediately negates our sense of 'obligation' to the morals we hold for ourselves. which is where a moral belongs- all for you the holder of that moral

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  2. I agree with Jim stone, well said! I always knew that sexuality has nothing to do with parenting, it's more about our actions. Yes parenting is a big issue for all who choose to be parents. Also, i think that the homophobic folks rather think sex is the only thing all of us LGBT folks think about. Sex may be in our mind, but when it comes to parenting, that is hidden underneath the responsibilities and then you're just too tired by the end of the day. Whew. Sadly some people who became parents tend to drop the responsibilities and neglect their children, but they don't focus on those kind of parents do they? No sirree, it's them gays we ought to be concerned about! (Facepalm)

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    1. i agree with you tim. my original comment was far more graphic in terms of what straight 'parents' do to their kids that are 'so much less bothersome' than the two dudes raising kids down the street or the two chicks a few streets over in loving caring homes where the kids are safe and nurtured.

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  3. It does make me wonder, what other parts of a gay life do you want to look at?. What, exactly, do you think your going to find?. Can we stop validating or invalidating a gay life and just say "it's probably about the same anyone else's life". At the end of the day, life is a reaction to the things that happen around it. Gay or straight, if you have kids, you react to the wants, needs and demands of those kids. None of those change because your gay. What you need to do doesn't change cos your gay.

    Even if some study says gay parents are good parents, it's kind of insulting that someone needs to do the study in the first place. It separates gay people from "normal" people. No one thinks there needs to be a study of fathers over 6' tall to see if they make good parents, no one thinks there needs to be a study of mothers under 5' tall to see if they make good mothers. It's assumed that height won't make a difference. Why can't it be assumed that gay and lesbians make good parents without the need for study. The study itself creates an us and them attitude. It sets aside gay people as "not one of us".

    As for parenting and sex, I'm single and don't have kids so I can't possibly comment except to say I'm single and don't have kids so I have plenty of spare time to wander why I don't get any sex :). Holly.

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    1. To answer your question, you have to go back to the late 1800's. That's when science started to realize that this same-sex attraction thing was a real thing. Since it clearly wasn't the thing of the majority, it required study to understand what brought it about and by extension, how to "fix" it.

      In many ways, we still don't know how those of us in the GLBT community came to be part of it. Birth order and genetics seem to play a role, but I'm an oldest child and my closest known gay relative is a second cousin.

      Clearly, there is something different about us and science is still trying to figure out what that is, though it thankfully has realized that those differences are, at worst, neutral for society. Working backwards from how we might behave differently can be a useful starting point, which is where this sort of study comes in; it also helps to substantiate and support past studies about same-sex parenting.

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  4. 'Someone had to study this to confirm it'....Ummmm yea someone needs to study it to confirm it...you can't just say something and write it done as a fact...that’s not how science works...they don't just pull something out of their ass and say well this here’s a fact...they fucking study it. I'm a biotechnologist...I use my knowledge of microorganisms to make processed food or household products. I don’t do anything without studying or analyzing it…even if it may seem fucking obvious to me. face fucking palm!

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    1. there is a difference between hard science like biology and social "science".

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    2. in certain ways yes. but the method is the same.

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    3. Mark..I hear you point...however, the differences between gay couples are far less than the similarities. and the function of "too tired for sex" has nothing...at all...to do with the sexual orientation of the subjects. That much should be self evident, thus my chagrin that this took a study to prove.

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  5. All the life balance issues are identical whether the parents are gay or straight. If gay parents might have additional issues to deal with, we have our bigoted straight counterparts to thank for that. And as idiotically obvious and unnecessary as we might find this study to be, I think it probably is needed for the haters. They’ve been choking all their lives on the ignorance and hate that’s been force-fed to them by churches and Republican politicians that it’s snuffed out their common sense. So it takes a study to give it back to them.

    And now for some fun…. Bryan, you were wondering how to “navigate the rocky shoals of parenthood and sex?” If noisiness during sex cums naturally to you, it can be a big problem when the kids can’t always be gone or asleep when you need your release the most. So if sex with kids around HAS to be in mime, what can be done to maintain expressiveness with each other and keep the encounter from being a buzzkill? Print your vocalizations to each other on flashcards! :-D Printing them on ping-pong paddle shaped love handles would be best for easy reachability. I just can’t get the imagery out of my head of this being done in what could have been THE most hysterical Saturday Night Live-styled sketch ever! It might go something like this…. Remember, both porn actors in this screenplay are showing each other these flashcards with each statement set out below:

    Top: Here. Roll over. This way.

    Bottom: UUUUUUU ahhhHHHHHHHH

    Top: Oh, so you like it rough now, doncha bitch?

    Bottom: AHHH AHHH AHHH FASTER! FASTER!

    Top: (Speeding up) Take it! Take it! ALL of it!

    Bottom: AAHHH!!! AHHHH!! AHHHH!

    Top: Who’s your daddy? Who’s your daddy?

    Bottom: AHHH!!! AHHHH!!

    Top: It’s time! I’m gonna cum!!

    Bottom: Oh? So soon?

    Top: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Bottom: HEY!!!!! CAREFUL WHERE YOU SQUIRT THAT THING!!!!!!!!! I’m gonna have pinkeye now! :-D :-D

    Top and Bottom together: What’s that? WHO’S visiting our blog? And he wants what? An autograph? (Door squeeks open) Oh, why hello Mr. Leffew. Nice to finally meet you. Does Bryan know you stopped by? Do me a favor, Mr. Leffew. Could you toss me that towel over there? No, not that one. The other one. Yeah. The one right next to the brainbleach!! :-D :-D :-D

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    1. wow dave thank you for this mental image. i love it. but im a perve.

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    2. Son,

      Is this the kind of company you keep? That gutter snipe Dave especially. What a piece of work! It sure makes a father proud. Especially when I can't even get a decent autograph without sticky stuff all over it.

      Just kidding! This is really you know who! :-D :-D I'm sorry. I promise never to do this again. You have to admit though, this was pretty priceless.

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    3. lol. im amused if no one else is, yes im that twisted.

      as a side option to the paddle cards, if you do it right they can be spontaneous (-ish) aids.

      one does need to be at least 18 here right? lol.

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  6. i say this completely for ego stroke, not to say that on an entirely prurient level i dont mean it.
    bryan = hottie + dad bonus + nerd bonus + shy bonus > jay = hott + ty pennington bonus (requires no shirt and a tool belt of some variety) + dad bonus + cop bonus + thundercat shirt bonus. bryan, i would proudly be your minion though i have no idea why.

    while i have been a parent figure, ive had the benefit of being uncle so i have not had the utter unavailability of time with someone im compatible with - in terms of kids. and yes i have observed the uncanny timing kids have about sex or anything even smacking of it - they seem to have a built in radar (seriously playing contentedly one second then up running to mom and dad in dire distress a split second later)- i have run interference(with the accompanying wailing). being the single uncle i have had the desire without the compatible partner but we have all been or are single so meh.

    mark thank you.

    im going to mention something ive been curious about, take it or leave it.
    your body knows how to have sex and does not require a fully awake brain to do up to a point(i make no comment here about the 'fun' factor of that sex). i know straight couples can go into full on penetrative coitus while being asleep, can gay male couples? especially if they have been together for a significant period of time? i dont want porn as a response (as in 'inappropriate' details- not that i have any objections to those details), im being genuinely curious here (as opposed to mere prurient interest). ive not been in this position myself and i am curious if it can occur.
    the simple answer is the line(between awake and asleep during sex) is when you become aware but does that line move over time for couples in terms of what their bodies do and the point they wake up? it is far more complex than just arousal and need i know.

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    1. Steeldrago,

      I know you’re looking for an answer from Bryan specifically and I hope he will still answer you and not be deterred by me saying anything here. Not being married or partnered with kids myself, I’m just as clueless on the ability to be sexually spontaneous apart from what I’m about to mention. So I’m all ears too. On the spontaneity issue, there is one very practical difference between gay and straight sex when it comes to preparation beforehand. I’m sure you’re aware how straights gay-joke among themselves about us “getting stool on the tool” and similar comments. They make such comments because they are probably completely unaware of the flushing-out procedure the one who will be receiving normally takes. And this is something we wouldn’t share with them anyway. If we as gay people, regardless of whether we have kids or not, were to be AS sexually spontaneous as our straight counterparts are, there would be some mighty unpleasant consequences in terms of foul odors and mess that decidedly might ruin the experience for us. Sex in a half asleep state would make the mess issues worse because we’d be too out-of-it to be careful; i.e., the mess would be all over the bedding in addition to being all over us. I, for one, am unwilling to put myself through all of that and, if we come to bed “unprepared” in that way, I would vote that particular form of sex has to be off of tonight’s menu.

      So, if the mess-prevention issues lead a gay couple, with or without kids, to decide they CAN’T be as spontaneous as what you’re talking about, I personally think they still should be able to have just as much fun. A really long, really good intense deep kiss will fire up your engines just as well regardless of whether sex that night was or wasn’t on your day planner calendar for that particular time slot. As an analogy, at a restaurant our enjoyment of our favorite meal is in no way impaired by the fact that we consciously ordered it and sat there at our table anticipating that meal was coming. That favorite meal didn’t need to just spontaneously and un-expectantly materialize in our laps Star Trek-style for us to fully enjoy that meal. Why then would gay sex need to be that spontaneous to be fully enjoyed? Wouldn’t that hold our sex up to an arguably unreasonable and unobtainable standard? I know in your question to Bryan that you weren’t suggesting that level of spontaneity was necessary. All I’m saying is I don’t see any reason why a gay couple can’t have just as much enjoyment even if they decide that full 100% spontaneity is unworkable for them.

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    2. while i would appreciate an answer from bryan, it is not required. any information from someone who has been in a long term relationship that can answer is fine.

      yes, shit-sticking (as the porn people call it) and all of that stuff is an issue but i have known couples that keep 'special' sheets on their bed for those situations and it can definitely help if you have kids wetting the bed-been there done that(probly on both sides). one cannot always flush the system like that, it is unhealthy to do. changes in diet are much better for everyone involved. when it comes to wild monkey love swinging from the rafters sure, no problems.

      the point of my question is not about being spontaneous. its about your body doing things before your brain catches up to the fact that something is happening.
      in the turks and travelers post bryan commented about waking up at 3am because jay was not crawling into bed with him and it was something his body did, not his brain (body-brain interactions are complex so im not saying its a lack of involvement just awareness).

      it is biological fact that the nerve cells in your spine that influence the area of the pelvis have the motions for sex stored and they can initiate and commit sex without your brain saying 'its sexy time' sex is a biological need not just a drive. i have personally woken up having sex, the difference becomes that the person i was sleeping with had woke up and initiated.

      my straight brother from another mother is married and we discussed this hence my knowledge on the straight side, verified in class discussion. this info for gay male couples is less clear and even lesbian couples do this albeit biology is biology.

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    3. But what is the point of having sex if you’re so out of it you don’t have the conscious awareness to be able to enjoy it? If it were physically possible for your body to have sex while your brain and consciousness were in a coma, would you still want to have it? I have heard some faint indications that there might be some medical contraindications to doing “flush outs” but have never heard what they are or how frequently one would need to engage in that activity before those supposed negative outcomes become a real concern.

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    4. on the flush, its an issue of flora/fauna within the bowel, they account for the majority of your immunity to g.i. issues. considering antibiotics kill them off too you've got to be aware of what your doing. im not sure of the point of concern myself but considering the options available why risk it? and no im not saying never do. although i usually pitch so i dont.

      its a biology thing not a sex thing so to speak. your body still gets the endorphins and other chemicals that make sex fun and there is a point of wake up more or less. i agree it is much more fun when you can fully engage your awareness.

      coma is a different thing altogether and as far as im aware, depending on the kind of coma, dudes still get erect if they biologically can. (i dont recall if chicks have nocturnal tumescence like guys do-obviously of the clitoris.)

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    5. And yet in gay porn, there is a certain activity seen in nearly 100% of videos starting with “R” and rhyming with “trimming.” Now I’m well aware that such videos are intended only as a fantasy and aren’t intended as a template for what you necessarily do with your own partner. I’m also aware that such videos often go for sensationalism and try to push the envelope. But that particular activity I’m referring to would be utterly unbearable for the one performing it if the recipient of it HADN’T flushed out. And the idea of someone doing that to me when I didn’t flush out and later kissing me on the lips is just urpy and, for me, completely unacceptable. You can tell I rather not go near that activity at all no matter who’s doing it even if everyone’s “flushed out” and would be rather alarmed to later learn that most might consider me a bad lover if I WEREN’T willing to do that. I very much hope most don’t feel that way. Or is my aversion to doing that seen by most as a piece of neuroticism I’m expected to fucking get over—fast?

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  7. Steeldrago......me, Mark or what?

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    1. im only aware of the one mark on this thread, so i assume yes. lol

      one of the degrees im pursuing is in psychology and as a business guy, marketing and other research topics are big deals. sometimes the topics are 'duh' but you never know what questions or information will be revealed in the research process until you do the research.

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  8. oh man....I fear to tread into this thread o.O you guys have really gone off the rails

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    1. Jump on in, man! You’re entitled to some fun too. All surfaces have been thoroughly flushed and sanitized with Purell and Brainbleach! :-D :-D It’s safe. You can trust me. Really, you can….:-) Or do we have to amass in front of your house led by a certain fatherly figure with an autographed flashcard paddle to lead us in a mime protest to draw you out? :-D :-D :-D

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    2. Do your parents actually ever read your blog?

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    3. I think I probably scare them away. :-D

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    4. As in you guys you mean DAVE and STEELDRAGO

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    5. im sure.

      no need to fear, you'd be in good company.
      including underdog.

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    6. Anonymous,

      Welcome to our happy abode. If you want your thirst flushed away with a tall glass of Brainbleach, just let us know! :-D

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    7. ...........

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  9. lol, sry ..ish (not really but mebbe).

    so, thanks for the 'whoa fellas.' its good to see your line. its kind of ferguson,i will Try to remember that. i will still be mystified though.

    the waters fine...and warm....and purple..???
    well colorful anyway.
    and 'ware the tentacles, they have a mind of their own and no regard for personal boundaries..fun of all kinds if your into that kind of thing.

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  10. what did u post that got taken off?

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    1. I'm guessing he was answering a question I had and his answer might have been more graphic than he wanted to leave posted online. We have each other's direct e-mails now so I'll probably get my answer that way.

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    2. its not so much that it was more graphic as i was just unhappy with it. that is the major reason for me removing anything. albeit, im not a great one i am still a wordsmith.

      because i am a wee bit shameless (every dude has a dick and every chick has a vag, i frankly see it as childish to be afraid of either on any level)- though i try to be sensitive here to certain sensibilities.
      yes i know its not always about fear or shame that someone is modest. while i dont exactly care, per se, i have no problem with modesty and i can be though its odd for me. dancing sky clad can be as important as covering up.

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    3. ................

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  11. Back to whether or not it is an unnecessary statement of the obvious, most probably any researcher will tell you (repeatedly if you don't stop them) that if you can't measure it, it doesn't exist.
    To make a messy topic, unmessy, this is what you must do.
    Nothing wrong with that on the surface I'd say, and then there is the added benefit that once measured and published, we have yet one more talking point.
    As I've said before, you guys are my heroes and I enjoy hearing how you decide on which path to take as all your paths continue to divide. Well done and always well chosen.

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    1. i have known a few of those researchers and some things are harder to quantify than others.

      i also find it amusing that anecdotal evidence is passed off out of hand as unreliable and without value. i get why but to deny the subjectivity of life is half a life.

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    2. Another piece of immensely powerful anecdotal evidence is a study admitted as an exhibit in the Golinski DOMA trial which, on appeal, the DOMA definition of marriage was found to be an unconstitutional denial of federal equal protection rights. That anecdotal evidence I'm referring to is the percentages of both men and women self-identifying as gay reporting that they had little or no choice in their sexual orientation. For men it was 93 to 94% and for women it was 87%. Different studies may show somewhat different numbers but, in any case, the percentages would always be overwhelmingly high. Wanna blow holes in anecdotal evidence that powerful? I'd like to see you try....

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    3. anecdotal evidence is routinely scoffed at in the science community. on all topics. research has shown, objectively, that witness statements are unreliable and that holds through in consideration on all experiencial evidence. the issue that strikes me is that when you have significant percentages of that evidence being the same (as you mention here dave) there is something to it despite the fact of its anecdotal nature.

      i am a firm believer in all things other worldly because of my personal experience, which has been independently verified by others who are sensitive like me but it is not something that can be held in the hand and observed in the lab; it is subjective and anecdotal for all of us, individually. when people i have never met or had any dealings with are seeing and experiencing the exact same thing i have that fits the definition of repeatability and thus verifies my experience as being independent of me despite the nature of that experience.

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    4. Well..you do have to admit that some things we felt the need to study are head scratchers. Do we feel the need to study how many children will eat their boogers of no adult intervention is applied...or do we just accept that "anecdotal evidence" as fact. Inquiring minds really don't want to know...and now I think I've gone and put myself off lunch :p
      bryan

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    5. Hmmmm…………… Booger eating? Good for you, Bryan. This proves you can be even sicker I am! :-D I’m proud of you. :-D For “booger buffet” research to hold up, I say we need both a test group (unsupervised self-munchers) and a control group (would-be self-munchers with heavy parental supervision) to measure the incidence of “chowing down” in both groups. :-D Also, combine it with a longitudinal study to see how extensively this activity is continued into adulthood among both populations. Bon appetite! :-D :-D

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  13. Ok... i didn't understood what happened. I posted, it was wrong, i deleted and reposted, went to sleep, and when i woke up the repost was gone...:(

    So lets try rewrite it all over again...

    We all know that the main thing that is missing for those people that don't accept and/or don't understand homosexuality is information, and that when we educate them, most of them become more open minded. Its a rough fight, but we are seeing progress.

    Here in Brasil, like in many places, there is allot of effort being done to end any kind of discrimination, including sexual. THANKS GOD we have great jurists with very advanced views here. One that is remarkable and that is making a HUGE difference is a judge named Maria Berenice Dias.

    http://pt.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maria_Berenice_Dias

    "While known as a long-time defender of women's rights, Dr. Dias also became a great champion and fighter on behalf of the human rights of persons of sexual minority; and especially defending the right of same-sex couples, as alternative families, to have their unions officially recognized by the State of Brazil.

    Dr. Dias always insists in recognizing same-sex couples as family units based on their free, mutual and permanent in nature homoaffectionalism towards one another. This has made her a true pioneer and a beloved friend of the members of the Brazilian Homosexual Movement (Movimento Homossexual Brasileiro) and of the all-encompassing Queer community of Brazil.

    Besides being a prolific author of books and articles, etc. Dr. Dias also created, co-founded or presided over such organizations as the Brazilian Institute of Family Law (Instituto Brasileiro de Direito de Família/IBDFAM); the Federation of Women’s Associations (Federação das Associações Femeninas/FAF); JusMulher, offering voluntary legal and psychological service to women in need; and the Brazilian Association of Women with Careers in the Justice Field (Associação Brasileira das Mulheres de Carreira Jurídica/ABMCJ-RS)."

    Besides all that, she has made a huge impact with her book "Homoafetividade - o que diz a Justiça" (Homoaffectivity - what says the Justice), a work in which she gathers and comments the pioneering judicial decisions by the Brazilian Court of Appeals regarding the civil rights of same-sex couples.

    With that she created the word "homoafetividade" (Homoaffectivity) that is defined as "the emotional relationship between same sex persons, that want recognition of their rights by the formation of the partnership by law, have the right to marry and be able to perform all acts and rights of a natural society, like those of husband and woman, as good manners. The "Homoaffectivity" indicates the presence of a loving bond, where two lives intertwine to participate in a family environment. This interaction will take place obligations, duties and commitment that are the foundation of the family and intends to be recognized as such."

    This new word is helping to remove the stigma that involved sexual relations of persons of one sex, making recognition of this kind of family. This word now is even in the most recent Brazilian dictionaries, and most of people that are in favor of ending the discrimination prefer to use the word "homoaffectivity" instead of "homosexuality", just to make clear that homoSEXsuality is more than just sex, just because have the word sex within.

    In fact, what the word "homoaffectivity" is all about is Gay Family Values.

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    1. Hi Sam,

      I have had similar experiences with some of my posts disappearing. It's not quite as much a hardship me to restore them because, almost always, I compose my comments in my home e-mail program and then paste them in here. So my posts remain saved at home for a while and I can easily paste them back here again if I have one of mine lost. If you do the same as me, reposting lost comments won't be such a pain. It is awfully weird for this to be happening though.

      On the new "homoaffectivity" term, that DOES sound like a good idea, but I think it would take a big figure in the Gay Movement here to sell it before it can catch on. Perhaps someone like Dan Savage is big enough to pull this off. But I do really like the concept of a term which gets attention off just the sexual part of our relationships and refocuses on the commitment aspects of what we feel for each other. Our sense of commitment is the common link we share with our straight counterparts and, if we can present ourselves more consistently as being good commitment material, as well as continuing to educate others on how sexual orientation is biologically determined, maybe straights will soften their attitude toward us and give us less trouble.

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    2. meh? it kind of comes back to american puritanicalism and what i think is a sexual obsession in our U.S. culture. the focus is not on the nature of the relationship but on the acts involved within the relationship. shifting that focus would be awesome and as long as it does not add to the dumbing down of our society then im all for it.

      gaming reference: if you know good on you.
      i am the druid, i can be the wizard and occasionally i cannot help but be an orc.

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  14. Brainbleach imbibed....ok...to answer Steeldrago's question. Yes "sleepwalker-esque" can and has happened between the two of us. Once while I was fully awake and Jay was in wierd somatic twilight state. It was all good and normal stuff...nothing coercive. but the tensions and resistances we carry around in the waking state simply were not there so it felt really extra good as there was nothing to block the energy. In the morning I remembered it all...but when i asked jay he claimed no memory of it although he was quite active. It just got relegated to that mental space that all our forgotten dreams go to I guess :/

    "homoaffectivity" hmmm...I learned a new word today. Who knew :D
    Bryan

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