Milestones...Daniel Graduates Junior High

For some, graduating Junior High may not seem like a big deal. Heck, even the school itself doesn't call the act "Graduation" anymore. They call it "promotion"....a weird term at best, and begs the question of what they are promoting to, and does it come with a raise? But there I sat, in the rows of identical, red folding chairs, set up on the lawn in the warm spring sun, looking at a ring of chairs set up for the graduates and realized.....this is happening. Next year my son will be in high school. The little boy that I once knew, was being replaced by a young man. Another world was passing away and all of us, as a family are standing on the doorstep of a new one. It feels like just yesterday that Daniel was a third grader and a new student to our little charter school. As proud as I am to be here to celebrate this moment with Daniel, the time just seemed to have gone by too fast and I could not help but  look back to remember all that had brought us here...

A Dads Thoughts On Raising A Strong Girl

Today's post is exactly as the title describes...one dads thoughts(me) on what it means to raise a strong and confident daughter. I know that whatever I write here today, it can only be my own opinion. Every dad is different and would probably have very different things to say about this subject, but....this isn't their blog, it's mine. So, there you go.

To be honest, when I first started out on the road to fatherhood I kind of expected that parenting a girl would be much the same as parenting a boy. Just to clarify...I knew that girls and boys have some fundamental differences that would make what they needed from me different. But on the whole, kids in general need the same kinds of things to thrive: love in large amounts, three square meals and lots of snacks, a safe warm home, someone to make them wash their hands, take baths, eat their vegetables, and do their homework....Someone to take them to playdates and karate and girl scouts and fencing...Someone to be there to guide, set limits, tickle and squeeze the heck out of them, and help them be their best selves. These are things that all kids need and I didn't expect that raising my daughter would alter this formula much. but its funny sometimes, that you can go along your merry way thinking everything is all good, and then something comes along that makes you realize that raising a little human being is deeper than skinned knees and homework. For me that moment came this summer when I took my daughter to see the Disney/Pixar film, Brave...a film that made me ask myself if I was giving my daughter all she really needed. (Come on...what parent doesn't think those thoughts?....)

LGBT teens Are Speaking...Are You Listening?

As parents, we hope that we engender trust between ourselves and our children such that they feel that they could tell us anything. After all, we have been there, done that and bought the t shirt too boot. Because of what we may have done when we were young...or even just because we know whats out there...we want to be able to steer our kids through those things in perhaps a better way than we navigated them ourselves. Sex, bullying, drugs, hell...even life on the internet are all things we have to talk to our kids about in order for them to have the tools to face them as competent individuals with solid life skills. We give them the best of our experience and set limits and consequences for behavior in the hopes that we are being the best parents that we can be. Being a parent myself, I understand this all too well.

But...Being a part of a family who's lives are all over the internet put us in conversation with all kinds of people from around the world. One of those groups are teens and preteens who are struggling with the knowledge that they are gay. Some have already come out...some are still working that out...but put together, these kids have a voice and a message that I think many parents need to hear. It's not often easy to hear it, but it is vital that we do with an open heart because our kids lives may depend on it.

The Science Of The Obvious

Some of the news items that pop up on the internet make me facepalm...sometimes roll on the floor laughing....and every once in a while, both. This weeks news nugget has both in spades. It appears that there is now scientific evidence that gay parents go through the same relationship challenges as straight parents. In other words...we have less sex. To which I have only one response....

Um.....Duh? oh, and ..../Facepalm!

Someone had to study this to confirm it?! I know that most blogs are framing this as yet another scientific factoid that can help build bridges with people who are still struggling to deal with the notion of gay marriage, gay parenting, and homosexuality in general but the that the fact required a scientific analysis just boggles my mind. So....let me put this issue to bed(har har) once and for all....

Cold Case

Hello everyone. Many of you may remember that last March, Selena had begun asking some very pointed questions about her mother and, at that time, we were doing our best to allow her the fantasies she created while also trying to give her the real story in tiny age appropriate bits. As an adoptive parent you do your best to try and meet your child's needs but no matter how much you may have been expecting these conversations, you may not expect your own emotional reactions to them. While it was clear to us that Daniel wasn't feeling the need to know his bio family...Selena was being affected and seeing the depth of her feeling moved us. Selena needed something to hold on to...some small piece of her mother that can help her understand her story better, even if it's only a picture of her. And so our detective work must begin.

The Problem?.....how do you find someone who doesn't want to be found?

What Makes A "Better" Parent?

Whether or not gay men men and women can parent has been a topic of conversation for ages now. I can remember it being debated when I was a teen and had a lesbian cuuple that lived across the street from me raising a boy not much younger than myself. I did not take me long to figure out that their was a disconnect between what I was being taught...and what I could witness in life of the family across the street. And I have heard the worst of arguments over time...that we will raise emotionally damaged and confused kids to allegations that we adopt in order to make kids gay...and so much worse. "kids need a mom and a dad" is the rallying cry of those who appose LGBT adoption and marriage equality and they beat that drum with fervor. They are old arguments that strike a sensitive cord in any of us that thought that being gay meant giving up on the notion of having a family of our own. Yet, as damaging as these arguments are, there are lots of same-sex families out there to prove them wrong. I feel fortunate to have grown up across the street from one that helped me see differently even before I came out to myself.


Now...It seems like we have hit the flip side of the debate. With more gay families out there to point to, a lot more people are familiar with same-sex families with children. The adult children of gay parents can also stand up to defend themselves and their families much like Zach Wahls did for his own family. We have fought and struggled to show the world that a gay family looks and functions just like any other family does...in our triumphs and our shortcomings. And then this article comes along from livescience.com carrying the headline, "Why Gays May Be Better Parents"


Strangely enough...while the article may make points that I absolutely agree with, I still find myself troubled by this article. Lets dig into this this thing and I will explain why...

Setting Goals For Our Kids...Report card Time

This week was finally report card time for my son and daughter and anyone who's been through grade school can remember the nail-biting uncertainty everyone feels opening up those tiny manila envelopes. Parents want to know that their children are getting the best education possible and that our kids are giving their best efforts in that regard.....and our kids are going through their own anxieties. I remember that report card time in my family meant stress for me no matter how well I did. My mom wanted all "A's" from me and anything less than that was met with a silence that I knew meant "you can do better". That pressure to perform at the top of my abilities was why, when I hit puberty, the first way I rebelled was through my grades. I just did not want to be a smart kid. Smart kids got beat up and were never popular. At least that's the way I saw it then.

Being a parent now, I thought I knew how to set a more loving and affirming set of expectations for my own children. I would not be the pressuring parent. I would let my kids know that my love for them did not hinge on their performance or their grades. It all seemed so clear and so simple....and then I became a parent and all my preconceived notions  were wiped away in the realities of day to day parenting.  I have also been challenged me to rethink how I set goals for my kids....so much for clear and simple.

Cold and Flu Season Strikes Again

*Bleh*....it's that time of year when the colds and flu's start to circulate and I am feeling like my head is stuffed full of cotton....and you don't even want to know what my nose is up to. I have tried to write at least ten times today but I can't seem to muster the focus to put together coherent sentences. (yes...I know, never stopped my before right?)

It always begins with the schools....first one classmate is gone, then another is out for a week, then they start dropping like flies...each of them spreading around something I know is gonna come home soon. Selena gives me the breakdown on who was out and for how long because she totally keeps tabs on her classmates that way. I know who got the broken arm and who barfed and had to go home because she will totally tell me everything in stomach churning detail. I often wonder why kids who are sick still end up at school but I guess when both parents work that kinda thing is just going to happen. So when a handfull of kids went absent last week I knew it was coming. And no amount of vitamin C will stop it's reign of terror.

First it was our oldest Foster boy(I call him crash) with the upset stomach that knocked him out for a night then quickly cleared up. Then it was Daniel with the same issue and now its sore throats and runny noses for everybody!...Yay!!!!!....ugh. One by one the seasonal bugs are taking us out as they do each year flu shot or no flu shot. Now all the kids are better and off at school collecting the next round of bugs that they will circulate amongst the rest of us. I

When kids get sick they get to curl up in front of the T.V. and snuggle in a warm blanket. I totally miss those days. My kids love being home, but they hate being made to sit still...even in front of the tv. One afternoon of that and they are chomping at the bit to go back to school. I was soooo not like that at there age. Any chance to stay out of school I milked for all it was worth. But today, when dad gets sick...he has to empty the dishwasher, answer emails, mind the concrete guys working in the back, and make sure everything keeps functioning. Taking time out for a nap can often be out of the question. It's just a part of the job...but I really could use a warm, soft blanket and some chicken soup right now.

Ah well. enough complaining...expecially since I know that this is only round one. check out this fridays A Gay Collab video and you will totally hear the sick in my voice...it sounds like puberty all over again. In the mean time I will go back to

Mommy Bloggers Strike Again

Life can give us a million and one reasons to lose hope. The news is full of examples of horrible things happening everyday. Some of this weeks examples include, the gay couple assaulted at a church, one of the assaulters being the father of one of the victims and the pastor of the church....Or the reports of Jurors in the Brandon McInerney trial who believe that Brandon got a raw deal and that Larry King was the "real bully" because he made "unwanted sexual advances toward Brandon McInerny( /facepalm)....Or the ever increasing climate of persecution for Gays in African countries like Uganda....Or the continued prosecution and separation of gay bi-national couples that daily  splits up people who love each other. The list of horrible happenings grows by the day. However, as I have written this blog over time I have come to the conclusion that it's not the terrible happings  that are remarkable....It is those moments of triumph, love, and acceptance that give us hope and  keep us going. And just when you need that hope the most....a mommy blogger steps in to save the day....

The Case Of The Terrible Tattlers

Its was a hot, gritty summer....The kind of summer where the sun strikes shadows so deep you can swim in them and the heat drives people to do crazy things. The kinda things that always lead to trouble. And when when that trouble hits the fan who do you think they call? That's right...me...The Dad Detective....

It was on one of these hot summer days, when I was in my office...just trying to keep my cool in an overheated world when she walked in. She was my Daughter Selena, and while she may have only been three feet tall.... she had a laundry list of grievances and a chip on her shoulder a mile high. "Dad! Charlie is doing back flips off the couch and now he's stealing my spot!" "Really?", I said, "If he's jumping off the couch, how come I didn't hear anything?" "Because it happened earlier when you were gone and Daddy Jay put him down for nap...but now he's taking my spot!!!!", she cried...clearly on the verge of tears. But I cut her off at the pass..."Save the water works for Daddy Jay sister...this dads seen it too many times. If Charlie committed the crime and already did the time, why are you coming to me?"  "Because he took my spot and won't give it back!"...she choked out through the tears. "Well Toots.....I'm not sure what you need me for" I replied, "Your six now and that means you know how to use your words to solve these kinds of problems." "Did you ask him for your spot back?", I asked. She appeared to think about this for a moment and then weakly replied, "No...but...it's my spot....*sniff*"  I headed her off again,...."I know, I know...its your spot. I get it. But I also know that you are a big girl and when Charlie and Marlene aren't necessarily doing what you want them to do, you come running to me instead of trying to work it out yourself first. Now you go back in there and sort this thing out with your words." To this she stomped out of the room with defeated air of one who feels there is no justice in the world. But off she went anyway.

 "Case closed", I said to myself..... Or so I thought....

Foster Diaries....Echoes of the past

Well dear readers...due to issues with blogger I was not going to post today but sometimes things happen in our lives that are too big to keep inside ourselves and this blog has become part confessional for me in addition to being a vehicle for marriage equality....

As many of you know. My husband Jay and I have decided to be full time foster parents. It was not something we planned to do in life...it just developed in the natural course of events. Being a foster parent can be a very rewarding experience however it also comes with some challenges. Many of the kids you will care for will melt your heart and break it all in the same moment and sometimes the pain they feel will bump up against your own pain and the memories of things that happened so long ago you didn't think it could ever reach out to hurt you again. But if you are a thinking and feeling human being you can't help but go with kids down the sometimes painful road that they are forced to walk. This is what happened to me this morning...

Can Two Dads Be Enough?

Jay and I have gotten alot of questions about what it means to be a same-sex couple raising kids and we love getting and answering those questions. We welcome any sincere questions that stay within the bounds of appropriatness. One question we get from time to time from those for whom seeing two men raise kids is something of a shock is, "Who's the mom and who's the dad?" On the surface it seems like kind of a silly question because duh..."we're both dads!"...and that's how we answered it. But as simple as the question may be...and the correspondingly short answer...it was not so easy an answer to Jay and myself when we were beginning to think about raising a family. 

It's a question that reveals alot about what we think of the sexes...and most especially how we view ourselves as parents. What are the limits of being a father? Will there be things that we simply will not be able to provide for our kids because we are men? Who disciplines?...who nurtures? How do we divide up the rolls that most people categorize as a moms roll or a dads roll?...or masculine actions and feminine ones? Even though the answers may seem self evident to some but when you really think about adopting you have to tackle them in a more practical and thought out way.

Parenting and Self-Judgement

Sometimes I am not a good dad....At least in my own estimation.

Sometimes, when the chips are down and the stress is high, we get to really see what we are made of underneath. It's during moments like these when we are not at our best that we often behave just the way our parents did to us....sometimes that's a good thing...sometimes it's not. I faced that alot the last couple of weeks as our family conducted a multi-room home renovation at the same time as we were trying to balance the needs of four kids...who quite frankly can get downright fussy with each other sometimes. My husband and I were both exhausted from all the work and were running on empty much of the time. It was during those nights...and especially the ones where I was alone...were I found myself being the emotionally distant authoritarian dictator my parents were to my brother and me. I was barking commands and expecting instant compliance because I didn't have the patience or emotional resources to deal with the fact that life might be hard for them too. I knew that that was not the parent I wanted to be but I couldn't stop myself. I went to bed most of those nights ashamed of myself and wondering if I even had what it took to be a father if this was who I was going to be when the going got tough. I would think back to my own parents and see the seeds of my own behavior.

"My Princess Boy"

2010 has seen some very deep lows with the highlighting of gay suicide. It brought to light that we live in a culture that sends us a clear message that we must hide who we are or suffer grave consequences...so we do and often suffer grave consequences anyway.

But 2010 also offered us a ray of hope in the form of awesome parents who stood by their children and helped them understand that they were loved and "all right" just as they are. We had Nerdy Applebottom, the mother of the little boy who wore a Daphne costume for Halloween...and Katie the Star Wars Girl. Both of these kids had awesome parents who only wanted their kids to grow up healthy happy and strong. Fortunately we have one more to add to the List....Cheryl Kilodavis and her son Dyson, about whom she has written the children's book "My Princess Boy".

So What if it isn't just a Halloween costume, or a star wars thermos...a boy who wears dresses?! This one has caused the Internet to come unglued and the fundies to howl. But the real question is again, "why is a boy in a dress so scary?"

Plague House

I apologize to my readers for a lack of posting lately. Our house has played host to just about every cold and flu germ in the state lately. Right now, my daughter is yo-yoing between 102 and 105 degrees...with sore throat and stomach aches. She is all tears right now and it just sucks. Not even color books can make her happy. :(

No matter how many times you go through fevers with your kids, when they get really high, they get scary. You ask yourself how high is too high? When do we go straight to the emergency room? How long is this going to go on? Having been feverish to the point of delirium, I know how uncomfortable it is and I hurt for her. This has been going on since Friday and only abated for a few hours this morning to come back again this afternoon...*sigh*...She's been to the doctor and we've all had our flu shots as well as just completing a battery of antibiotics for whooping cough. She's in bed all weekend...getting fluids, cool wash clothes, children's Tylenol, and lukewarm baths but we are still fighting it.

In addition to the whooping cough scare my son was sick...the baby just got over being feverish and sick...even my husband has been under the weather. When will this end? Having five kids..three in three separate classrooms means the germs they bring home are multiplied as they bring home their classmates illnesses. Its too the point now where I'm gonna scrub everyone down Silkwood style as soon as they come in the door. If we can get Selena past this then hopefully we will be sick free for a while.

My apologies to my readers I hope to be back in the saddle again soon (hopefully tomorrow). Until then I'm back on cool wash cloth duty...stay healthy everyone.

Attack of The Gender Norms..or...A New Hope?

What is it about gender expression that frightens us so? Just this October we had the story of the little boy who wore a Daphne(from Scooby Doo) costume to school and all the furor that invoked. He was just a little boy in a Halloween costume yet,  it was treated as if it were an indicator of the boys gender identity and sexual orientation. We had so much to say about a simple costume choice by a preschooler. And here we are again discussing whats appropriate for boys and whats appropriate for girls as if those lines must never be crossed. Are we really in a new millennium? Because this conversation feels like 30 years ago.

This time a young girl by the name of Katie Goldman, a first grader and avid Star Wars fan in the Chicago area was being teased at school by the boys in her class because she loves Star Wars and carries a Star Wars backpack and water bottle to school about it. Her mother, heartbroken to see her daughters spirit broken by the need to fit in, encouraged her daughter to stick with what she loves and tried to help her deal with the realities of being different. Then, like nerdyapplebottom, the mother of the boy in the Daphne costume, and all great stay at home blogger/parents...*cough*...Carrie Goldman took it to the net in her blog, Portrait of an Adoption.

Letting Kids be Kids

"My Son Is Gay...or he's not...I don't care. He's still my son."

So begins the title and first line of a blog post of "Nerdy Apple Bottom", The mom...Sarah...now made unintentionally famous for blogging about the reactions her son received for wearing a Daphne(from Scooby Doo) costume to school for Halloween.There's been much ado on the web concerning this relatively simple event as it went absolutely viral and sparked a great deal of controversy. Just scrolling through her posts, most rate a comment count in the 30's...this one has provoked 36, 048 people to actually take time out of their lives to offer their opinion in writing...and the number grows every time you refresh the page. Hell...I'd be jealous of just the 30 comments...lol.

My thoughts on this event are many as it seems to have touched a nerve in the public consciousness. I'd like to touch on those issues and what I feel are some unfair judgements made against this mom for supporting her son. Also I would like to ask...what if it had been a gay dad that had sent his son to school in a Daphne costume?  But first...I will let Sarah tell the story in her own words about how this whole thing began with a simple Halloween costume request...

Take A Sip!

Jay took me out on a "date night" last night. For those of you unfamiliar with the term, most of us parental types dont have the ability to just get in the car and spend a night out with our loved one, so these things must be scheduled.....and usually happen nowhere as often as you need them.

For our night out Jay and I went to see Sex and the City 2 which had recieved horrible reviews...but we loved the series, so we gave it a shot. I have to say, that on the whole, I enjoyed the movie....but never so much as this scene between Charlotte and Miranda discussing the pressure of being a mother. Yes I know....I am NOT a mother...but...I am a stay at home parent and I get the feelings these ladies expressed while commiserating over cocktails. I laughed so hard I nearly passed out. All I could think of while watching was,...." Wheres my sip?!"... so get your drinks handy and pull up to the bar. You don't have to be a woman...or a parent to join. Just have a good ear and a stiff drink...watch the clip after the fold....

(Take a sip!)

Special People

Sometimes, as a blog writer I get rather caught up in the rut of writing exclusively about gay rights. I get so focused on this one aspect of life, I forget that life has many facets and more stories worth telling. As many of you already know, our family is again involved in the foster system bringing our current household up to five children. One perk for being involved in the fost adopt system again is that the agency that represents us also runs a support group for families to help deal with the stresses that can come with fostering and adopting. Its a great program. They feed the whole family and have childcare for all our kids so that we get some time to blow off some steam while the kid get to play freely with kids that have similar experiences to theirs. It was in one of these sessions that a subject came up in discussion among all the parents, that resonated with me as a parent and a blogger. One of the parents brought up a comment we often here as foster and adoptive parents. The subject of special people...

Protect the Children!

Hello everyone...My last article of the week is addressing Prop 8's third point that it was enacted to "protect children". So get out your tinfoil hats to protect you from homosexual brainwaves and lets recite Prop. 8's mantra again shall we?.... "Its all about the children!"...."Its all about the children!"

This is arguably the oldest argument used against gay and lesbian people. Its purpose is to link homosexuality to pedophilia and to cast gays as villians out to destroy innocence and the fabric of American life. It is also the flimsiest of all arguments that the Prop. 8 legal defense has made thus far, in their effort to defend the ban on allowing same-sex marriage. In reality, all that Prop. 8's defense has done so far is reiterate the same thinly vieled homophobic statements that were used during the election to scare the average citizen into voting their way. Their still using the same playbook. However, their argument only has the capacity to move the average person into believing that, somehow kids are in danger, if you first hold a certain set of assumptions. Such as...