Balance of Power

    No this will not be a post about politics  or any  current world events that would make any sane thinking person to the conclusion that the world has lost it's collective mind. No...the loss of sanity I would like to talk about today is much closer to home. Finding the balance of power within your relationship....be that married, dating, domestically partnered, or any combination there of.....dividing up responsibilities such as who stays home, who pays the bills, who cleans what, who gets the kids to school can be more than a little crazy making....and a constant source of relationship negotiation.

Being both Gay and a stay at home dad, I think a lot of people may get a skewed idea that gay couples struggle both more and less than others do in this area. There are those who are still so hidebound in their notion of gender roles that anyone who stays home gets labeled as "the mom", with the working parent as "the dad"...and then, on the other end of the spectrum are the people who's only exposure to gay couples is on TV. To them we are all independently wealthy enough to afford nannies, have immaculate homes, and dress our whole family like an Abercrombie and Fitch catalog, all the while maintaining our perfect gym bodies. Yeah, right....as if...my tummy begs to differ.

Nope, we struggle the same as the next couple does with all the same issues as any other couple and being two men or two women does not alter the dynamics of coupledom much. Which is probably why one of the fights I am most likely to have with my husband is about "who" did "what" all day(or did not get done)....and what we think we are entitled to as a result. This can spark the flames of argument like nothing else.

 Sound like a recipe for disaster? Is it a sign of relationship problems?....pour yourself a cup'o joe and lets discuss...

Dan SavageConversations On Monogamy

A good friend sent me a video this morning that I would like to share with you all as today's topic of discussion...and being as how my last few posts have been kind of heavy I thought it would be good to take on something different and something that likely we will all have very different points of view on. The video  titled "Why Monogamy Is Ridiculous", a part of the Big Think series, and features Dan Savage offering his views on the need to rethink love and commitment away from an all or nothing stance to something more flexible and equal to both sexes. No stranger to controversy, Dan Savage says what he thinks and even though this video clip is only two minutes and forty seconds long, it is packed with enough Dan Savage goodness to light the comment section on fire....just like it has already done on YouTube.

Now, you may think you know where I am on this issue...but you may be surprised. The issue of monogamy is much more complex than it appears on the surface and touch's on issues of gender and sexual equality in addition to fidelity and so much more. So watch the video after the jump and fire up the keyboards...because I'm sure we are all going to have a lot to say.

EPIC WIN 2012!

I can't even believe it!...after a nail biting night of sitting on the edge of our seats as election results slowly poured in...we are now looking at a massive victory for equality and progressive politics. President Obama has won reelection and we also have picked up a handful of out LGBT legislators...including our first out LGBT Congresswoman, Tammy Baldwin! Congratulations too all of them and it is my hope that the more LGBT lawmakers win huge elections like these, the more it will pave the way for even bigger gains and foster a culture of acceptance over fear.

But as if that weren't enough....

I went to bed last night before the ballot initiatives in Maryland, Maine, Washington, and Minnesota had been really counted. Marriage equality had been in the lead, but the margin was very slim. There was every chance that one or two of these states could have slipped away in the night. But what did I discover?...not the mixed bag of wins and losses that most of us expected to see....Marriage Equality had one in ALL FOUR STATES!   For the second time in a month I was utterly gobsmacked. In fact, I'm still a little shocked as I write this post.

Most of you have been with this blog over the years and probably remember the feeling as we entered ballot fight after ballot fight only to have our hearts handed to us on a plate. The feeling of knowing that the majority of people that you would call neighbors thought that our lives weren't worth recognition or equal protection was sickening. And guess what?...I don't have that feeling today. For the first time ever, people went to the poles and told the world that the lives and loves of the LGBT family members, friends, and fellow citizens count as an equal part of the American fabric. That's a huge step forward from eight years ago.

As we take this step  it makes one wonder what the next step will be? Now that marriage equality has won and won big...what will be the implications on things like the Supreme Court as it decides on a growing number of lawsuits against DOMA and have we seen the beginning of the end for DOMA because of last night? And what of The National Organisation for Marriage or The Family Research Institute? Surely there are going to be some head hanging and saber rattling to come from that quarter, but will last nights wins have an effect on their ability to literally scare up donations and fund further anti-equality ballot initiatives. I have heard the opinion that this could be the final nail in NOM's coffin...but...I am not ready to count them out yet. /A caged animal fights harder when it's backed into a corner and this puts NOM into a very small corner.

However, regardless of NOM or the voices that we know will always be there to devalue the gay community, we have a lot to celebrate and be thankful for today. Congratulations to President Obama and Senator Baldwin. Congrats to the people of Maine, Maryland, Washington, and Minnesota for letting love carry the  day...and congratulations to all of us for this historic event touches us all and will reverberate through all our lives.

Who would believe we have come from...

 This:

To this........

The Journey may not be over, but it sure feels a little shorter today...

Until next time dear readers...

"40"

1980....In a suburban cul-de-sac in Northern California, The sounds of Devo's "Whip It" echo off the houses as children play in the street. Riding bikes with playing cards taped to the spokes to make a motor sound, we all pretend to be on motorcycles or...if your me...X-wing fighters. As some bigger kids in their Kristy McNichol iron on Tshirsts sit by the radio and heckle us,  Devo encourages us to "whip it good". A painfully skinny stood on a skate board and held on to a rope as a friend riding a bike tows me as fast as he can peddle. Only problem is...Cul-de-sacs aren't that big, especially when you feel like you're going a million miles an hour AND your riding a skateboard for the first time in your life...EVER. The exhilaration of speed quickly gave way to the realization of fast approaching curb, and rather than plow into a mailbox at speed, I elected to hop off the board instead, hitting the ground like a meteor on reentry ..at least, that's how it felt. Now, it was a warm day and I was wearing  a Tshirt and those super high 70's shorts that made miniskirts look prudish. So it was all skin on  asphalt till I came to a complete stop. I discovered the definition of "road rash" on that day as I limped home, pissed at my friends as everyone laughed their heads off. Devo had made cracking the whip seem like so much fun, but as I gimped my way around the block home to complain to my mom, Picking rocks out of my legs, it sure didn't feel that way. Nor, on this average day, did it feel like the world would ever change. It didn't really feel as if the 70's were over. There was no canon blast to mark the end of one world and the begining of another....but it did change all the same. A lot of water has passed under the bridge since that day. Tomorrow will be 40 years of it, in fact.

Today I would like to take a moment to reflect on what this birthday means to me and what my hopes are for the future. So have a slice of birthday cake, pull up a chair, and feel free to talk about being a getting older but not growing up.

Discrimination Does Not Equal Protection

How many times have we heard this idea repeated over and over, in state after state, as a lame excuse for why LGBT people should not be married. Advancing the false notion that marriage is primarily about making and raising children and not about the adults involved...while it has worked to mobilize voters against marriage equality...also denies the notion that LGBT have families and children of their own or that any person regardless of their orientation could get married for...*gasp*...love....and not only to procreate. It's a bread and butter talking point for anti-equality groups that has been so reused and so taken apart and disproven that I am shocked that it still finds traction with anybody. What about older couples, infertile couples, or people who just don't want kids?...we marry them as long as they are opposite-sex couples. So what gives? Well...that's because it's not about preserving some abstract idea of marriage that straight people don't even follow as much as it is about preventing LGBT's from a place at the table.

A pair of articles on Think Progress caught my eye today that...while they are very different stories in themselves...The first being an anti-equality TV spot featuring Baltimore Ravens center Matt Birk, who thinks that gays already have enough protections and the second is a legal challenge to the recently signed law in California making it illegal to practice ex-gay therapy on minors...by parents. Both stories seam light years a part,and yet both speak volumes about what marriage equality opponents truly want to protect...and I don't think the answer is children. First up is Mr. Birk who's YouTube video is no longer able to be embedded but who's words now have a life of their own...

The "New" Normal?

It seems like all I am blogging about these days is TV.  RNC?....DNC?...who needs all that? I mean....granted there was a couple rather historic speeches that spoke as LGBT people as *gasp* worthy of equal respect, dignity, and the equal treatment of the law...but we're not talking about that today....nope.

Today I finally got to see the series pilot for NBC's The New Normal. And I need to be upfront...I was kind of dreading this show. While on the surface it's a good thing to have representations of gay people on TV...on the other hand, those representations tend to cater more to peoples expectations of gay people than the reality of who we are....especially the ultra sanitized and stereotypical version of gay life favored by network execs.  For example,I know everyone LOVES modern family and Cam and Mitchell, and that's exactly what I expected in terms of how we would be shown. All entertainment...no reality.

But I did watch and I have to admit that I am still processing what I saw. For you guys that means that I will be figuring it out as I am writing this....lucky you. I am having a mixed set of emotions and I guess that must mean that the show got to me on some level and altered my preconceptions of it. Thats good right? Well...pour yourself something cold and lets talk about it....

Finding The Forest For The Weeds

My husband loves to task me...and by "task me" I mean make sure that I have something to do and something to write about at all times. Sometimes this is a good thing, especially when I scan the news and can't find it in myself to emotionally connect with yet another wing nut spouting the same over-the-top garbage that we have all heard before. In those moments, I appreciate his ability to focus me. But some days.....oh well, I'm just gonna say it....it drives me nuts. Today was  one of these days when Jay has emotionally connected with a topic I thought long dead and yelled from across the house for me to come take a look.....Josh Weed, the Gay, married to a woman, councilor, and father of three is back in the news with a recent appearance on Nightline.

"Hey have you seen this video?", Jay says to me with excitment. "What video I ask?", wondering what in the world  could have made him so animated. Did Mitt Romney get caught toe tapping in a mens room?....Did NOM finally and permanently self-destruct?......no?   I came from the breakfast table to Jays computer to see what all the fuss was about and looked at the screen to see Josh Weed and family staring back at me with the headline Gay. Mormon, and Happily Married.  "Oh that story...I saw that weeks ago. why is that back again?"

And that simple comment was the one that opened the door to a debate that suprised me in the intensity of MY emotional reaction to it and incited a debate that still rages on in our home. but first....some background....

The Person Behind The Pundit...Maggie Gallagher

One of the reasons why my husband and I began making our videos was to put a face on the issue of marriage equality. Quite often in the debate that has swept the country it has been all too easy for those who stand against the marriages of LGBT people to demonize us and turn us into shadowy characters such that we cease to be a human being to many people and become a threat. Now...I believe that the tactic of dehumanization is an intentional one because it is so often repeated. However, sometimes I am reminded that I have begun to think about the other side in much the same way. Whether is Tony Perkins of the AFA, Rick Santorum, Brian Brown, these people become so ingrained in our consciousness for their actions against the gay community that they can become characters in their own right. In our anger and frustration we can forget that they are human beings and come to see them as purely antagonistic.


This is why a recent salon.com article about Maggie Gallagher spoke to me and I feel compelled to share it with you. Written by Mark Oppenheimer, the article goes into great detail about Maggie Gallagher's early years at Yale and more specifically about the unexpected pregnancy with her college boyfriend who ultimately left Gallagher and his child...leaving her to raise her son Patrick alone. As someone who has followed the marriage battle closely, both in my state, others, and nationally I am accustomed to seeing Maggie Gallagher and very familiar with her talking points. For me, she had become the persona she projected on television and in print. To see her in such a candid way has made me stop to reevaluate this woman who has been the face of of the anti-marriage equality movement. I had to stop and ask myself if knowing what made Maggie Gallagher into an anti-marriage equality activist changed how I felt about all she had done. And what. if anything, do I do with what I now know about her? Does it change anything?

Meeting Zach Wahls...A Glimpse Of The Future?

Well the Premier has come and gone and over all I would call the event a success! It all passed by in such a whirlwind that the time passed from when we arrived at 3:00 to when we left around midnight in no time at all. It all went by in a blur of picture taking, movie watching, and Q&A's. As nervous as I was waiting for the event...actually being there was loads better than waiting. We all had a great time...even the kids though they ran out of energy pretty fast. There's a lot that I could say about the event but I want to focus on one portion of it in particular and that was getting the chance to meet Zach Wahls.

For those who may not remember Zach stood before the Iowa House as the son of two moms and gave a heart breakingly inspirational speech that was instrumental in that states marriage equality fight. The video clip of the speech went viral not once, but twice so if you haven't seen it to know what an incredibly eloquent young man he is...go there now and check it out.

During the movie premier I not only got the chance to meet Zach but to interview him as well.....and as you will see after the jump, Zach represents something special for me as a gay dad.

Today Is The Day!

The Premier of Right To Love: An American Family is finally here! After three years of waiting...and some herculean patience on the part of our viewers....the movie is finally being shown outside of the circle of friends/family/and those who worked on the film. So the heat is on now.

I have to admit that I am excited and nervous as hell. There is going to be a whole lot of People at this event and even though I have seen the movie and personally love it....it still feels like there is a lot riding on tonight. A premiere is like launching a ship for the first time and I want this movie to get off to a good start....so I can't be shy, reclusive, bookworm  Bryan tonight. It's time to start the music...it's time to light the lights. Oh wait...that's the Muppet Show.....Dam. But maybe if I just keep humming that song I won't hyperventilate, have a panic attack, throw up, or all three...

The evening will be a lot of fun with the hilarious TJ Kelso roasting us beforehand, getting a chance to hang out at the after party after the movie, The chance to meet and shake hands with Zach Wahls( so cute *sigh*) and just having a great night in the city...and all of it on the eve of the decision on Prop 8 tomorrow by the Ninth Circuit.

If your in the Bay Area and want to attend the movie, stop by Brown Paper Tickets online at:

http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/221824

I hope to see all of you at a showing near you soon And....

Until next time dear readers....

Marriage Equality For Washington State and The Politics of Boycotts

In an exciting development...the Washington State Senate voted on a  bill to advance marriage equality by 28 to 21. The next step of the process being a vote in the House and then a stop by Governor Christine Gregoire's desk, who has already indicated that she would sign the bill should it make it to her desk. Prospects are looking good to see Washington as the next state to adopt full marriage equality and that would be a wonderful Valentines Day present for us all. But of course, that means that certain conservatives and fundamentalists are going into crisis mode. Already they are working to collect the 120,000+ signatures they would need to sidestep the legislature and take the matter to a referendum vote. Seriously....it's not even a law yet. Even though everyone seems to be optimistic for it's passage, it still has to clear a whole legislative body first. However that fact hasn't stopped the full on panic that has led opponents moving on a referendum and calling for boycotts on businesses like Starbucks who have publicly voiced their support for marriage equality.

Their Condemnation of companies like Starbucks seems a little hypocritical given their own history of crying foul when ever someone boycotts a business supportive of their position.But, the accusations are flying fast and furious in battleground states like Washington. Beginning the the latest, rather eyeroll inducing, press release from The National Organisation for Marriage who apparently feels that Starbucks should stay out of the fight:

What Makes A "Better" Parent?

Whether or not gay men men and women can parent has been a topic of conversation for ages now. I can remember it being debated when I was a teen and had a lesbian cuuple that lived across the street from me raising a boy not much younger than myself. I did not take me long to figure out that their was a disconnect between what I was being taught...and what I could witness in life of the family across the street. And I have heard the worst of arguments over time...that we will raise emotionally damaged and confused kids to allegations that we adopt in order to make kids gay...and so much worse. "kids need a mom and a dad" is the rallying cry of those who appose LGBT adoption and marriage equality and they beat that drum with fervor. They are old arguments that strike a sensitive cord in any of us that thought that being gay meant giving up on the notion of having a family of our own. Yet, as damaging as these arguments are, there are lots of same-sex families out there to prove them wrong. I feel fortunate to have grown up across the street from one that helped me see differently even before I came out to myself.


Now...It seems like we have hit the flip side of the debate. With more gay families out there to point to, a lot more people are familiar with same-sex families with children. The adult children of gay parents can also stand up to defend themselves and their families much like Zach Wahls did for his own family. We have fought and struggled to show the world that a gay family looks and functions just like any other family does...in our triumphs and our shortcomings. And then this article comes along from livescience.com carrying the headline, "Why Gays May Be Better Parents"


Strangely enough...while the article may make points that I absolutely agree with, I still find myself troubled by this article. Lets dig into this this thing and I will explain why...

Stolen Childhood

Welcome back everyone....

I know it's been a long time since I have written anything. But, that does not mean that it has been an uneventful beginning to the year. The kids are still off for Christmas vacation and my husband has taken off some time to help care for Baby Boy and the others...so our house is full and very busy. Additionally, I have not been so happy with the gay related news these days. It seems like it's all completely wrapped up in the Republican primaries and the insane viewpoints of it's candidates. I have to admit that I am sick of hearing about Rick Santorum, Rick Perry, and Michelle Bachman to the point that I am afraid to even log onto the internet anymore. They are on everywhere, all the dam time...and they seem intent on pushing each other over to prove who is the most "conservative(I.E. against the gays). Case in point...

Via Towleroad and reported by the Miami herald...Rick Santorum wants to be your president...and this is what he thinks of same-sex adoption and children's rights to a safe home:

Citing the work of one anti-poverty expert, Santorum said, "he found that even fathers in jail who had abandoned their kids, were still better than no father at all to have in their childrens' lives."
Allowing gays to marry and raise children, Santorum added, amounts to "robbing children of something they need, they deserve, they have right to. You may rationalize that that isn't true, but in your own life and in your own heart, you know it's true."

Really?...robbed?!...then I have a little story to tell about how Baby Boy came to be in our care this Christmas. Brace yourself and grab a tissue...it's going to be hard to hear...

The Cost Of Love...

O.K...I began this post yesterday when it was actually in the paper, but real life kept hauling me away from the computer and preventing me from switching into "blog mode". But here it goes again. While this blog is technically a "gay blog" the story I have chosen to share with all of you is not a "gay" story. Yet I felt it was a story that any LGBT person would resonate with...it is a story about sacrificing for love...and it touched my heart. So without further ado...lets give it one more try:

This morning....Yesterday I happened upon an article in my local paper that has touched my heart and I feel it is important to  share with all of you. During these holidays, we all need to be reminded that love is alive and can beat some pretty incredible odds and I think this one fits the bill. The article from The Press Democrat was about the passing of 87 year old Lillian Shizuko and her remarkable romance and marriage to John Berry. She, a Hawaiian born Japanese girl....Him a white American man...both of them find love together in a pre-World War II World. They were different races and from different cultures in a time that tolerated no blurring of the lines...what could go wrong?

Holiday Traditions: Awkward Conversations With Family

I don't know if anyone has seen the the video floating around from Maggie Gallagher and the National Organisation for Marriage?  You know...the one in which she gives tips on how to talk to your loved ones about your opposition to marriage equality over a heaping plate of turkey, cranberry, and mashed potatoes. You know, I can just imagine it now...."The Turkeys just delicious this year Margaret! Did you brine it?...oh and while we are on the subject...I think gay marriage is totally wrong and the work of homosexual activists bent on redefining a sacred institution to destroy the family....please pass the yams John.......John?....Why is your face so red?. Yams please dear.".....Holiday family get togethers can often be the site of family dust ups but anyone who goes to the dinner table with conversational ammo about their views over gay marriage?...talk about an agenda. Who knew this was something people needed pointers on?

However...Maggies psa about holiday insensitivity does bring up a topic that has long been a challenge for me personally....talking to my family about anything gay. Contrary to what I do on the internet...I am not that vocal in person and some of the hardest people I have ever had to talk to are my family. So lets go there....pass the gravy Maggie...

Fantastic Irish PSA For Marriage Equality

Check out this short Marriage Equality ad from Ireland. It is truly moving and makes me wonder why we don't make videos like these here. When marriage measures came up for votes here in California and Maine we saw only bland tv spots that seemed more intent of promoting a dumbed down and diluted image that they fult would be safe for feignt hearted American viewers rather than  showing the simple everyday faces of gay people and their families as this clip has done in such a moving say. This spot is only a minute long and yet, you are heartbroken by the end of it....I think the people who make these should come over here and make a few for us. Check it out:

Perry V. Schwarzenneger: Upcoming Live Broadcast of Ca Supreme Court

Today the California Supreme Court is scheduled to hear the next round of testimony in the ongoing battle over Proposition 8. Today's hearing will held to answer the question of whether or not Protectmarriage.com and backers of Prop. 8 have the legal standing to defend the law in court if authorized state representatives decline to do so. For those who may recall, this question was previously put before the Ninth Circuit Federal Court who found that they simply didn't have enough precedent to answer the question on their own and thus sent the matter back to the State Supreme Court to verify before the federal trial could continue.....and so here we are today.

Todays session will be held at 10:00 a.m. pst on the California Channel and will also be broadcast on their website at :

www.calchannel.com

If I find an embeddable broadcast, I will be sure to attach it to this post at the day progresses. Stay Tuned! 

Will We See A New HRC?

This morning, one of my favorite blogs, Pam's House Blend, broke the story that Joe Solmonese of the Human Rights Campaign will be resigning from his post as director of the organization. This would be the first in a series of executive staff shakeups that could change the face of the HRC as we know it. This actually comes as quite a shock to this humble blogger who has made his fair share of grumbles about the HRC and Solmonese's over-capitulation to the White House on gay issues. Time and again they have been completely unwilling to apply even the tiniest bit of pressure to affect change in an administration that on the one hand claimed to support us while the other hand was busy enforcing anti-gay policies with gusto.

 Solmonese's defense was that having a place at the negotiation table was more effective than chaining yourself to the white house fence ala Get Equal style. And yet what we saw in return for our donated dollars was HRC staff attending high profile cocktail parties at the White House where they would walk away with a fist full of promises that never came true....and the guys who chained themselves to the fences and rattled politicians cages on the news seemed to be the ones actually getting the job done. It made the HRC look weak and Solmonese like an ineffective elitist more content with rubbing elbows with the rich and powerful than actually lobbying for LGBT rights. It is little wonder that HRC's reputation has taken so many fatal hits and if Solmonese's reported resignation will be able to bring it back from the brink.

Whatever your feelings about the HRC. This recent development seems to beg the question, "Will the HRC change?" Lets explore that possibility...

Letters Of Hope

In the course of our YouTube work, My husband and I  receive many letters from LGBT people who desperately need to tell their stories to someone. Sometimes it's a Thanks for helping them to see that loving someone of the same gender and building a family is possible...sometimes its a cry for help. Very often it is both of these things, and they almost always move me to tears. It does not matter if they come from a teen in Alabama or a women in Saudi Arabia, their messages are often one and the same. Reading these emails has helped me place my own life in perspective as well as helped me understand what life is like for many LGBT people around the world...it can be an emotional ride. I have heard stories of desperation and fear as well as stories of great triumph. In the hopes of fostering understanding and making the world a better place for all of us I would like to share a few of those stories.

In beginning this blog series I intend to share these stories with you in the hopes that you too, will look outside the borders of your life with compassion and understand why the fight doesn't end with marriage rights or DOMA repeals....it's about making the world a safer place for all of us. If you take nothing else away from these blog posts....I hope its that.

And please understand.....Most of the messages I have received are from closeted individuals and those for whom anonymity is paramount. For that reason I share the story but have removed details that could identify the writer. The safety of those who write us is as important to us as it is to them. With that in mind, grab your box of tissues and please read on...

New York Won Same-Sex Marriage!!!!!

Holy smoke people I am so excited I can barely contain myself. This was a cliff hanger vote that literally wound the clock down to the last second. Talk about your dramatic finishes!

The final vote was tallied at 33-29 with 32 needed to pass. This would not have happened if not for the hard work of New Yorks progressive senators and the handful of republicans who frankly shocked us all with their support. In a act of swiftness uncharacteristic of any government...Governor Cuomo has already signed the bill into law and it goes into effect in 30 days. So buy your rings, your cakes, and get your registry on because your getting married New York! Congratulations!