Never Hide...What Four Years of YouTube and Fighting Prop 8 Has Taught Us

"Hello YouTube!".....thats a phrase has been uttered by my family about 345 times over four years. That is exactly how long we have been doing YouTube videos and here we are nearly four years, on the cusp of what could be a landmark Supreme Court decision regarding Prop 8...and we are still making videos. I remember being so angry during the Prop 8 campaign as commercial after commercial on TV told blatant lies about my family and my life. I couldn't believe that stuff like that was even allowed to air on television. The more I saw, the more the polls would teeter on a knifes edge and all we could do was watch as others endlessly talked about my family and my personal rights as if they were things....not the lives of real human beings seeking the same happiness as anyone else.

As those who opposed marriage equality continued to lie and fear monger, I kept hoping and waiting for the commercials to air that would set the record straight. Were were the guys who were going to call out the liars? Where was the compassion, empathy...or better yet, the truth? As our side showed living room conversations with the parents of gay people...and straight celebrities...the question ultimately became, why are they not showing us, as gay people, telling our own stories? Those commercials never came. It was our anger, and frustration with that that led us to one poorly filmed video over a dinner of chicken nuggets that has launched us onto this journey of trying to show what a gay family is...and is not.

I'd like to say that four years later, our side has taken a few notes from the failures of the Prop 8 campaign, but sadly, that doesn't seem to be the case as pro equality organisations are repeating the mistakes of the past for fear of offending people.

 But I think Britney can say it better than me. Take it away girl....




In an article from the Associate Press, author Patrick Condon discusses the strategy of marriage equality groups to place gay people and same-sex families in the background as they continue to poor large amounts of money into TV ads and media sources that largely feature straight people talking about us...or at least the issue of gay marriage as an abstract concept. And as he also notes...this previously attempted tactic has not gone unnoticed by the gay community, who is starting to wonder what the heck is going on. After all, some of the money that is making these ads possible is coming from our wallets too.

To my recollection, the "No on 8" campaign never really said why they declined to show gay people or gay families with kids, it was always kind of understood that they felt that showing us would push away a segment of the population they felt they desperately needed to reach in order to tip teetering poll numbers into a win...but for whom our images  may have been too much for them to accept. A bit of flawed reasoning for sure...but also one that appears to be playing out again:

...But even as gay people and same-sex relationships gain acceptance through pop culture staples such as "Modern Family" and "Glee," the idea is still seen as dicey by media strategists involved in the ballot campaigns, resulting in ads that usually involve only straight people talking about the issue....

And in the words of one of these media strategists, the reason why is because they fear that we are still "too icky" for some....

..."The moderate tough guys we need to flip to win a couple of these races are still the ones who say that gays are gross," said Andy Szekeres, a Denver-based fundraising consultant who has worked on several state campaigns and had access to focus group data. "Pushing people to an uncomfortable place, it's something you can't do in a TV ad," said Szekeres, who is gay.

O.K....I am not a media strategist but I have a few choice words for Mr. Szekers and anyone who believes this tripe. This reasoning infuriates me and it makes no sense.... if the mere act of seeing a gay person on television is too much for this person...how in the hell are they ever going to be inclined to vote for our rights?!  If their constitution...or "values" as we refer to it can not stand to see a gay person...or go the further step of listening to their story and getting to know them....how is that person going to be less offended by us in the voting booth? It just doesn't follow. While on the one hand, the testimonies of straight allies do go a very long way in helping those on the fence see this issue in a different light,  omitting gay people from ads...and by also not refuting outright lies told against us...we are sending the message that we have something to be ashamed of....and who's likely to vote for that?

The same guys who think that "gay is gross" also tend to be people that prefer talking to someone who has a firm handshake, and look them squarely in the eye, and just tell it the way it is. If we can't do the verbal equivalent of that, then we are sending the message that maybe we do have something to hide or be ashamed of...maybe they really are icky. And any person who still hold to those views in spite of us meeting them face to face?....we were never likely to reach those people anyway. Those are not those people for whom the issue is undecided.

The main tool anti-equality groups have ever had has been fear. They use the fear that we are an immoral force bent on unraveling the bonds of family and country. They use fear bred by ignorance of us as human beings with equal values, hopes, and dreams. The only way to fight that fear is by erasing the ignorance of who gay people really are and what our lives really are really like. Pushing us to the background for fear of offending people does not offer them the opportunity to make that leap in understanding and any gain we make at the ballot box will be temporary at best.

If you are a gay person living in Maryland, Maine, Minnesota, or Washington State...call your pro marriage equality org and let them know that you are not something to be ashamed of. Let them know that they are not going to win the battle by hiding those for whom it is fought. Or as Wayne Besen of Truth Wins Out is quoted, "If we don't show ourselves, people aren't going to get comfortable with who we are."

Look dear readers....we know whats coming from the other side. We have seen this play out often enough that the strategies in the anti-equality playbook are well known. "gays are redefining marriage in a way that we can't quite explain harms yours....gay marriage is going to force churches to marry and accept gays....and the big one.....Gay marriage is going to force your kids to have to learn about homosexuality and gay marriage in school."  All of this is complete bullsh*t with no ground in fact...or any evidence in states that have already adopted full marriage equality. but the other side doesn't have any other arguments...at least not any that build the sense of fear that these do. It is these self-same lies that encourage our neighbors to think of us as some sort of invading marauder instead of a human being asking to be treated fairly under the law. Don't believe it? Don't just take my word for it then...

Gay marriage opponents, who also have well-funded campaigns in the four states, plan to begin airing ads soon. In recent interviews, an organizer said the key message is aimed at parents, suggesting legal recognition could result in their kids being told in school and in society that it's OK to be gay.

In light of how we know these initiatives play out, and how they have historically ended...does it make sense to keep repeating the failed strategy of hiding the gay couples who want to marry...or the gay families for whom marriage laws will most effect, because it might scare off a potential voter? I don't believe so. That kind of thinking has already failed and it's time to stop coddling people and state treating them like grown ups who can handle the truth. Unless of course, your these guys...

Gay activists who have worked on the marketing campaigns say that in this battle for public opinion, it's better for gays to stay in the background. 

"The simple truth is that we are trying to win over the people that are not yet with us," said Matt McTighe, campaign manager of Mainers United for Marriage, which is pushing the ballot measure to legalize gay marriage in that state. "I'm a gay man, and the general rule of thumb for me is that an ad that meets my emotional needs is not necessarily the thing that's going to change a typical voter's mind about gay or lesbian people."

This is not about the emotional satisfaction of any gay person watching a potential ad....this is about showing the truth and not sending the message that there is something wrong with us while simultaneously asking that person to vote for our rights. If those people are "not yet with us" then I don't know how they think they are going to be "with us" with out having any idea that we are their firefighters, city councilmen, plumbers, next door neighbors, or the cashier who checked them out at the supermarket. How are they going to understand that gay life is not any more sex driven than straight life is if we don't allow them to see that for themselves? That is not an issue of meeting my emotional needs...that is an issue of building a foundation for acceptance that is built upon truth and real understanding...not he said, she said.

Our family has been putting ourselves on YouTube for four years now to counter this very kind thinking and even if the Supreme Court kicks back the Prop 8 case and California see's marriage equality again, we are going to keep doing what we do because attitudes like these prove that it's still needed. When we started making videos we had hoped to encourage others to do the same because our stories need to be told. WE are the people who these laws will effect...and WE are the people being talked about in our culture as if we are not even in the room. It is us who must stand up and tell those stories....and it is also us who must tell the people responsible for reaching out to a greater community that hiding who are is not only not acceptable...it's not going to work.

Being that kind of transparent is not easy....nor is it always safe. We get that. But with that understanding comes the reality that this is the only way that people are going to stop seeing us as weird perverts or "radical activists". Making that happen doesn't mean living in a glass box, it can be as simple as talking to the people in your life and letting them be able to see the issue, and all the commercials and talking points they will be bombarded with, through the lens of knowing you. That...makes real change.

To know more about the upcoming ballot initiatives...check out www.thefour2012.com and.....

P.S....heres what a good marriage equality ad looks like marketing people...

Until next time dear readers....