Hating On Couples...The Couples Strike Back

Valentines day is fast approaching! Are you ready?!  Do you have  cards?! Flowers?! Chocolates?! Erotic massage oils?! Come to think of it....do I have any of that stuff?! The answer is yes, no,...and maybe. Additionally for parents is finding someone to watch the kids so you can have the uber rare thing known as a "date night"....an event that comes along with the same frequency as Haley's comet. but no matter what your relationship status everyone looks ahead to Valentines day with excitement or dread...sometimes both. As a happily married dad of fifteen years Valentines Day is a different experience for my husband and I than it will be for many others. For starters, Jay loves the candy, the flowers, the movie, and all the sentiment that comes with the Holiday. I, on the other hand, am grateful for a night out and a little monkey business after. Sometimes all we actually get is a couple hours together in the morning before we both have to rush off to separate responsibilities.

Since my last few posts have been on the serious side, I thought I would have a little fun with this one and share a post that made me and my husband laugh...."Why Everyone Hates Couples" written by Orlando Soria, attempts to explain why he thinks that everyone hates couples and finds the answer if the annoying little things we only do when we are in a relationship. Now...most single people hate on couples around Valentines day and that is ok.....but Soria being a coupled person himself, makes me wonder why the shade? Some of the things he gives of evidence of obnoxiousness I would find appalling under any circumstances and still others I may be guilty of myself but I never really saw as all that annoying.  But I'll try not to be too defensive and let Mr. Soria speak for himself...


First on his list.....The Imperial "We":

Do you have couplefriends that answer everything in “we”? As in, “We love your house!” Why don’t you just speak for yourself? Are you no longer a person? Do you have only one half of one brain now that you’re in a relationship?

I can honestly say that I have NEVER done this. Part of the reason is because my husband and I rarely find ourselves in such a state of complete agreement that we can speak as a member of the Borg collective....and while I have had house guests who have used "wespeak" on my before I have always considered it to come more from nervousness and unfamiliarity than because the couple in question had melded their  consciousness to the point of losing it altogether. One person in any couple tends to be the more social one and thus becomes the spokesperson for the pair. Between my husband and myself, Jay will be the one to speak up about and engage people in conversation...but when he starts talking for or about me, I get really uncomfortable and it's there that people discover that we are most definitely not sharing a brain. Some wonder if we ever got one at all....

On making others feel like a third wheel:

Do you have couple friends that invite you to the movies with them then spend the whole time telling each other secrets and then quietly laughing? And then you ask them what they’re laughing about and they’re like “nothing!” (whilst still stifling laughter). 

The author calls these kids of couples the worst and here I would have to agree. Anyone giggling in my presence who won't tell me what it's about is not just guilty of leaving me out of conversation but also of treason, sedition, and any other thing my paranoid mind imagines they are saying about me behind my back. The Scorpio in me says that just because they say your paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you and every tittle would be further evidence of their guilt.  This doesn't strike me as a behavior of annoying couples so much as the behavior of annoying people....people who would soon find them selves wondering why their friends never call them back.

But all of us regardless of whether or not we are currently in a relationship know what it's like to occasionally be the third wheel. It can be a really awkward feeling that seems to highlight your state of being alone....even if only for the evening. But here's the thing...when invited out by friends who are couples, good friends should never make you feel like your not there or you don't belong. There was a reason you guys were friends to begin with right?

Condensing number four: "You were more fun when you were single"....and number five: "Inviting you to parties is way less exciting because you're not going to hook up with anyone". Thanks for the image, we now get what the author wants in his friends....entertainment. Kinda like the real housewives without the cable bill.

To exercise their adventurous spirit, single people jump off rocks and stay up tip 8 AM at Coachella. Couples, on the other hand, express their adventurousness by watchingNew Girl and trying the new kind of lentil soup from Trader Joe’s 

Ok....guilty as charged. Except, I was this way before I got into a relationship. That's right, call me boring if you wish. I prefer to think of myself as something more like a Hobbit...after first breakfast it's time for a snack and after that maybe a little brisk mid-morning napping.....Good stuff. It wasn't until I met my husband that he started making me jump off rocks and call it "adventurous".  And as for not inviting your coupled friends to parties because you can't gossip about them hooking up afterwards.....um....and he was worried about hanging out with other couples who giggled and told jokes amongst themselves?!  Being catty can be fun once in a while, but if you can't take it...don't dish it.

Ok...number five is  being annoyed with your coupled friends relationship dramas:

Do you have couple friends who constantly talk to you about the fights they have, the emotional issues that are tearing them apart? And at first you’re thankful that they’re telling you these stories because it makes them seem all the more human. But then that becomes all they talk about and you’re left wondering why you ever encouraged them to talk in the first place because now you’ve become their therapist and they wont stop dumping their problems all over you?

Ok, yeah...like my single friends NEVER do this? If I had a nickel for every time a single female friend unloaded their entire dating history on me and then continued to repeat the same dating mistakes and forcing me to hear about it, I could retire to my own private island. I have had many girlfriends in my life who want to share every detail of their love life with me only to be know where to be found when I need a sympathetic ear. I'm sorry but when I am talking with a friend I am genuinely concerned about their well being and I listen as a friend. Some people abuse this and don't really return the favor. So Yes...sometimes I do expect someone I call my friend to sit down and listen to my married relationship drama because I already heard a boat load of theirs. 

This ties in with number seven so let's skip ahead....."Because inviting you means inviting your totally annoying boyfriend":

Remember when we used to have fun dinner parties where we’d all sit around and laugh together and be so happy that we were friends? Well now that inviting you means I have to invite your obnoxious, sullen boyfriend we never have those fun dinners anymore. 

This is an extension of number five above. You don't like my husband/boyfriend...that's fine....but that psychotic guy I pretended to like because you were in LOVE....remember him? Yeah that lasted about two days. I have supported countless friends in relationships with crazy people that only lasted the time it took to get a restraining order. If one of my friends doesn't want to hang out with me because I come with my husband that's just too damned bad. Next time your ex, Crazy Bob, shows up at your work and makes a scene...don't call on me to smuggle you out the back door and into witness protection. I put up with your crap...you put up with mine...that's what friends are for.

And now on to the insulting and yet kinda true. Number six, "You and your boyfriend look alike and that's creepy" kinda goes with number twelve  and Thirteen in which being able to share clothes and rent is regarded as an unfair advantage over single people. I don't have much to say about this one because I do sometimes match my husband...it's one of the side effects of being able to blend your wardrobe. The things he looks good in and the things that I look good in are often totally different...but we do have double the options and don't feel bad about that one bit. However, as I get older and look more and more like a middle-aged dad...my wardrobe doesn't change as frequently because I am spending that money on kids clothes. So who really one this debate?

We now have Number eight..."You just nuzzled noses. at the dinner table."  I agree....ew....Nuff said.

Number nine..."You act like you've been married for ten years and you've been dating for two weeks."

Do you have couple friends that are like “Big new guys! We’re buying a HOUSE!” And then you’re like “But you just met last week!” And they look at you like you’re speaking gibberish, as if everyone dates for a week and then moves in together. 

Yes, unfortunately I have known friends who have done this. It is the primary reason that they end up having to duck out of work early because a psychopath ex-boyfriend has shown up and they are in a panic. While technically this may seem like an "annoying couple" issue...which it is I guess...it is also a case of having friends with severely impaired judgement. Given that most, if not all, of us are looking for love and all of us have probably made some very stupid mistakes  along the way....all you can do is wait till the implosion and be there to mop up the tears.

Number ten...."Now that you’ve entered coupledom your only hobby is shopping flea markets to find vintage furniture for your awesome house."  I do not!....take that back! I shop ebay for fabulous Star Wars deals with which to populate my growing hoard...take that stereotypes!

Number eleven..."Lets face it, sluts are more fun"   Well...Duh! But I guess I should let the author explain himself:

Yes, single people, I’m kind of calling you sluts here. But in a good way. A way that makes you seem fun and young. Like young, single Anjelica Houston or young, single James Dean in their heydays. 

Oh...not what I was thinking it meant. I admit to being a little disappointed, but lets move on....

Number fourteen..."Because you use the term Date Night"

The term “Date Night” is annoying. What are we 16, finally allowed to go on dates for the first time? Are we animated dogs on a magical date in Italy, destined to suck on one piece of spaghetti until we accidentally kiss? 

Wow...your description sounds like a dream come true. Seriously, unless you've spent a few years up to your elbows in daipers and leaving the house takes planning...."date night" is a wonderful relief for one night of remembering what it means to just be together with the person you love and not have your kids giggling because you are getting "mushy". If you find the term "date night" to be annoying now, you won't when the prospect of going on a date is next to impossible. So yes we are annoying...deal with it.

Number 15 says it all really....You post pictures of your obnoxious smarmy dates and your stupid glamorous vacations all over Facebook while constantly writing saccharine status updates professing your love." I mean....it's not like nuzzling noses at the dinner table or a magical Date Night to Italy in which we eat the same strand of spaghetti until we kiss right?......right?.....guys?....anyone?   Again, guilty as charged on this one.

Number sixteen..."Because Your on again off again relationship is constantly forcing your friends to chose who's side they're on."

Stop breaking up with your boyfriend, dumping all over me about it, forcing me to hear all sorts of terrible things about him, and then getting back together with him the next day. It’s exhausting and it makes me feel funny inside.

This would drive me nuts to and has many...MANY...a time. Some friends seemed to just have a revolving door on their relationship and expected me to be the sounding board every time their boyfriends got caught doing something as simple and innocent as occasionally looking at porn. I have to say...I try not to pick sides but it does make me feel kinda awkward when I have to see their boyfriend the next day and pretend like I didn't just hear all about their intimate solo habits. But, when it comes down to it, there really is only one side any smart friend would take...mine.

And the last one, number seventeen..."You only hang out with other couples."  Um, Duh...that's because our single friends secretly hate us. Haven't you been reading the above?

The last one I would add to the authors list is one my husband and I are guilty of many times over....bickering. It's just something we do and doesn't really mean that anything is neccesarily wrong. But we banter back and forth and sometimes it escalates. I know that it can be awkward for anyone else in our presence to hear but it's just a part of how we communicate with each other and settle our disputes....but...annoying.

We all have habits and quirks that endear us to our friends and loved ones. The fact that sometimes those traits can be annoying hopefully is a reason to laugh at ourselves instead of take ourselves too seriously. The author, Orlando Soria, himself is in a relationship and openly admits that must mean that he hates himself too. I hope that he understands that this post was also done in fun and that all of us find a reason to be happy, to laugh, and to love this Valentines Day.

Until next time dear readers....