Saturday, June 23, 2012

Cold Case

Hello everyone. Many of you may remember that last March, Selena had begun asking some very pointed questions about her mother and, at that time, we were doing our best to allow her the fantasies she created while also trying to give her the real story in tiny age appropriate bits. As an adoptive parent you do your best to try and meet your child's needs but no matter how much you may have been expecting these conversations, you may not expect your own emotional reactions to them. While it was clear to us that Daniel wasn't feeling the need to know his bio family...Selena was being affected and seeing the depth of her feeling moved us. Selena needed something to hold on to...some small piece of her mother that can help her understand her story better, even if it's only a picture of her. And so our detective work must begin.

The Problem? do you find someone who doesn't want to be found?

Finding bio parents was something I didn't expect to have to do until Daniel was at least eighteen. When he was five that seemed like a lifetime away. Yet we knew even then that the kids would need something of their family to hold onto, even if just to remember what they look like. We asked for anything we could numbers, photos...anything that would help the kids when they had questions. Unfortunately dealing with the county is never easy. I don't know if it was because the social worker simply had too many cases to manage or if their mother was just not reachable, but nothing came out of those requests except the redacted CPS records which isn't much to go on.

What he did have was the mothers birth date, a list of her aliases, a very old address, a list of Daniel and Selena's siblings with unmatchable birth dates, mom's blood type, and a city in mexico where Daniels dad came from..and mom's social security number which somehow survived the redaction process. On the surface that sounds like a lot...and normally it would be. In a world where nearly anyone can be Googled revealing startlingly personal info, that doesn't hold true when an individual has a handful of aliases and lived homeless for any period of time. No computer or cell phone means no online trail to follow. And to top it off her last name AND aliases are very common Hispanic names and any Google or Facebook search yields multiple profiles. I know that their must be some way to do this...some trail to follow, but who to call after all this time? It's been seven years and all records are probably sealed up tight.

All we want is a picture....not a reunion of any kind. how the hell are we going to make this happen? I know that it can take adult adoptees years to search out their biological parents and that's when there are clear physical records involved. I am coming to the conclusion that we are just beginning what may be a very long search process. And what happens when we find someone...either their mom, siblings, or Daniels biofather? What then? IN exchange for pictures or other family info, they may want to meet Daniel and Selena....and thats a hell no for me. I can't stop my mind from running through scary kidnap scenarios in that case. Also, the kids are just too young to deal with the mountain of promises, excuses, and outright lies that they would possibly tell to gain their trust and expunge their guilt. The flipside being that they would want no contact whatsoever and that would be just as damaging to the kids.

And dammit, there is the selfish part of me that just doesn't want them to look to anyone else as a parent. I know that we are the adults and we have to put our feelings in the backseat a little bit. But being an adoptive parent...whether gay or straight, means having to deal with this inevitability but that doesn't mean that your heart isn't to be taken into account too. We have always felt that the best policy was to tell the kids everything we could and hope that the bond that we have together will be strong enough to survive when they decide to explore their biological families. After all...we knew from coming out as gay that family is far more then the people that are born to. Family are the people who share the small moments, the good times, the giggles, the well as stand by you when it gets ugly. I hope that is one thing I have taught Daniel and Selena when I have to love them enough to let them make their own choices in the matter. No one said being a parent was going to be easy. Nor is it to be a kid and have all these questions about your life...that's the part I need to remember when I get insecure.

So I can't believe we are doing this...especially so early...But we are.  Maybe Daniel will be eighteen by the time we find anything. How do you find a person who is basically homeless, unemployed, and moves from place to place? This is one time when I really don't have the answers and I would welcome anyone who has had experience with this. I would really like to help Selena fill in the gaps about who her mom is and who her siblings are but I am not a detective. How do you follow a trail that was cold before it was even officially dead?

Until next time dear readers.....


  1. Aw man...I really feel for you guys...and I thankyou for sharing these things. I hope to adopt myself someday and worry/think about many of the things you guys actually not only live, but then have the bravery and heart to share, so again, I thankyou.

    Good luck and all the best.


  2. Very interesting case, if i can put it like that.

    I know that here in the uk, there's a website called it charges, but that can be used as a really helpful tool to try and hunt a person down.

    There might also be a slight chance of you getting info, you say about having the social security number, now i think i might be wrong here, but isn't that number needed to claim benefits while out of work? If so, it could be possable to find out where she was last paid from, which might give a hint as to where she is.

    But, don't give up hope, there's a chance (small to none me thinks) that she has seen the youtube video's or... something. She may well try to make contact with you guys herself when she is ready.... maybe :S

    Either way, best of luck! :)

  3. While I have no pearls of wisdom on how to go about finding a person. I just wanted to say how much this act proves your dedication to your children. My biological father was adopted and his parents would never discuss it with him. He was never even given the building blocks to try and find any information on his birth parents.
    It shows the love and care for your children that it is a consideration and your willingness to do so for your child. I am sending you good vibes during this process and many others.

  4. I hope you know a picture won't be enough. She'll want the lot. She'll want to meet her family, talk to them and spend time with them. It's time to start preparing her for the possible/probable reactions she's going to get. I'm sorry to say, maybe it's time to prepare her for a harsher reality. Time to separate functional love and disfunctual love. That said, you don't have to burst her happiness balloon, just make it more resilient. This can make your relationship with her stronger because like all good parents your the ones preparing her for the outside world and you'll be the ones to be there when she needs comfort and support. You'll be the ones to meet her first boyfriend (who won't be good enough for her). You'll be there when he breaks her heart and you'll be there when someone's put a ring on her finger and you'll hold her first born.... It's not a foster parent thing, it's a parent thing.

  5. knowing what you have said about their mom and with my history, i agree with you bryan. for now definitely a hell no. that said, you guys again impress me by trying to be bigger than your own fears and im certain your better prepared for those issues than i am and that can make all the difference in the world. it may genuinely be that for awhile you have no real way to help selena like you want to. what is meant to be shall be, there are few cosmic grade mistakes, and whatever the outcome im sure selena will know that she will always have you, jay and daniel.
    the best i could offer would be a reading of the runes, and frankly, no. i dont want to know that much information in that way.

  6. Bryan,

    If Selena’s mother has gotten into any new trouble with the law, you could find at least more relatively updated last known addresses for her through the Police Dept. Neighbors at that more recent location might know something that could help you track her down better.

    I know it’s scary for you doing this digging and not knowing where things might go if Selena ever does see her mother again. Take comfort though in the fact that Selena absolutely adores you and nothing her mother could ever say to her can disturb her bond with you and Jay.

    Another point which might seem irrelevant at first but I can assure you it is not. When your covers were blown about the tooth fairy in The Right To Love, that awakened a healthy skepticism in her. In your most recent Easter Egg coloring video, we saw that skepticism in play with regard to the whereabouts of The Easter Bunny and how they might match up with disappearances by you. That skepticism at the time I first saw that video was hilarious because we were witnessing her bullshit detector working for the first time. From all appearances in that video, it’s apparent that Selena no longer accepts everything at face value, she knows that bullshit and cover stories exist in the world on a variety of issues, and she may be savvy enough now to watch for them. So, in the event of a reunion, if her mother starts feeding her a bunch of excuses, Selena may be sharp enough now to know a snow-job when she hears it. She’s growing up to be a very sharp young woman. I know it poses some inconveniences for you and Jay with such issues as Santa Clause but, ultimately, it’s good that she’s becoming sophisticated early on.

  7. If you don't want Selena to meet her biological family, then don't look for them. You told Selena that her mother got sick and in a child's head that probably means something like: Ok, I got it, my mother has a cold, now can I meet her?

    I don't think an adopted child needs to meet her mother so soon. When she's older and still has the desire to meet her mom, Selena will look for her herself, but at that time she'll also be able to understand what it means to be a drug addict, incapable of raising children.

    1. Its not that black and white...Our goal is to find at least one family member and exchange pics of the kids for pics of the mom and maybe other family members...Selena has a need to see what her mother looks like I would rather fill that need then ignore it... Jay

  8. I don't know what to say beyond I'm pulling for all of you?

    I don't suppose that it would be right to find a photo of a Hispanic woman of a similar age would it?

    Nah, it wouldn't, forget that I typed that.


  9. A thought I'm having a hard time setting aside:

    By addressing this need of Selena's, you can't help but bring Daniel's past into his present--something he clearly doesn't want. I'd hate for him to become collateral damage.

  10. a momentary aside, because i dont know if this thing tells you guys about updates to previous posts or if they get looked at regularly by the targets. i posted some links that may be useful to tallat in the for turks and travellers string about that information. i hope it helps.

    1. dave, assuming you can take a look at my profile on here the info you requested is there.

    2. No, Steeldrago.

      I've been there repeatedly and I can't see it. You've added a link to some Unbearable Truth blog but an e-mail link, which normally is about an inch below where a blogger picture might appear, isn't there and I can't understand why I'm unable to see it.

      I have an e-mail in the can waiting for you. Since you, as a blogspot member, can delete your posts here--something as a NON-member I can't d--, could you post it here instead? My e-mail arriving in your home Inbox will be your (much quicker) signal to come back here and delete such a post.

    3. This comment has been removed by the author.

    4. You mean Gathesemeni? If this isn't what you mean, I've fallen behind on my sacrifice getaway spots because my subscription to The Sacrificial Hobbyist got cancelled! :-D :-D

      I have this now so you can remove it.


    5. yeah, there is an alternate name spelled a bit differently from what my email addy is. i felt like i had to sacrifice my 'gay' and that it (among other things) made me a 'place of sacrifice' and being that i was the 'baby' jesus in the christmas parade 2 or 3 times it felt appropriate.
      the inappropriate joke here is that 'jesus' is a long haired, pagan, tattooed and pierced biker wannabe in the modern era.

  11. I believe this is the case in all of the United States since the Help America Vote Act as passed in the mid 2000's.

    You can purchase a voter database for nominal cost (In RI it's $25 to do so). You do have her DOB, Name and Aliases, and address history of sorts. If she EVER registered to vote and/or voted - you can probably find her.

  12. Bryan..this is so hard for me to comprehend.. I cannot imagine giving birth to another human being..MY child and then tossing it away? I suppose we cannot judge them because we have no idea what they have gone through in this life...
    In a "Perfect" world your children's mother would have been adopted by those "crazy" Leffews...
    Hope you guys go to New York!!!! :)

  13. Hey Jim we are planning on going to New York :O)

  14. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that the children's biological mother has probably been arrested on one or multiple locations. Booking photos are often a matter of public record. So, if you have a name, you might be able to get a photo this way. I don't know if that is the type of photo you want to show, however.

    On another note, make sure that Selena does not grow up using this issue as a "hook" on which to hang a number of insecurities and hopes. In other words, careful what you feed the beast. Maybe it's time to delve into more specifics about what it means to be "sick".

  15. There is also a distinct possibility that your kids' biological mother has died, given her history of drug use. You need to be prepared for that possibility, too.

  16. I would just forget about it..if I were you

  17. I guys I haven't post anything for a while in your blog (tho I usually end up reading or seeing most of your videos). I don't have any kids and I can't imagine how hard this most be for both of you but the thing I can do for you... I will keep doing it.

    I will pray for you guys and your kids. I know God will help you out with this, one way or another you will figurate out... you always do. =)