Looking Back At 2012

The end of the year is always a time that we round up the year with a top ten list of some kind. We tabulate the things that rocked our world or biggest villains of the last twelve months and then shake our heads in wonder that so much stuff happened in one year. Well this year I am deeply resisting doing another simple list of events. First, because you can't swing a stick on the internet without hitting one...and second, because the years events as they have effected our family were far more than just blurbs on the news. Lots of things happened to our kids and to us, new friends were made and old ones returned, we took Portland by storm, I turned 40, and then took a bite out of the big apple....and that's what you missed on Glee GFV!(hahaha just kidding). This time I want to take a minute not just to list what happened but to reflect on a year that many called a game changer. Lets see if I can even remember everything that happened....

Merry Christmas To All!...2012

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all of you who have been with me throughout the year. Thank you so much for for following my blog and for being patient with my ramblings. All of you are a special part of our lives, and on this holiday season we wish you all the very best!

Sincerely,
Bryan

A Dads Thoughts On Raising A Strong Girl

Today's post is exactly as the title describes...one dads thoughts(me) on what it means to raise a strong and confident daughter. I know that whatever I write here today, it can only be my own opinion. Every dad is different and would probably have very different things to say about this subject, but....this isn't their blog, it's mine. So, there you go.

To be honest, when I first started out on the road to fatherhood I kind of expected that parenting a girl would be much the same as parenting a boy. Just to clarify...I knew that girls and boys have some fundamental differences that would make what they needed from me different. But on the whole, kids in general need the same kinds of things to thrive: love in large amounts, three square meals and lots of snacks, a safe warm home, someone to make them wash their hands, take baths, eat their vegetables, and do their homework....Someone to take them to playdates and karate and girl scouts and fencing...Someone to be there to guide, set limits, tickle and squeeze the heck out of them, and help them be their best selves. These are things that all kids need and I didn't expect that raising my daughter would alter this formula much. but its funny sometimes, that you can go along your merry way thinking everything is all good, and then something comes along that makes you realize that raising a little human being is deeper than skinned knees and homework. For me that moment came this summer when I took my daughter to see the Disney/Pixar film, Brave...a film that made me ask myself if I was giving my daughter all she really needed. (Come on...what parent doesn't think those thoughts?....)

Hearts In Newtown

"Shattered"

That is the single word that headlines the Huffington post this morning and as I sit here this morning struggling to try to find the words to talk about this tragedy, I can not think of a better one than "shattered". Yesterdays events in Newtown, Connecticut seemed to emerge as if from a fog...first the initial horrific news that shocked us all and then the conflicting reports that trickled continue to trickle out as the world stands by hands over our hearts and holding back tears as we struggle with one question that no one can seem to answer.....why? How can anyone do this?!

What possible pain,...grievance,....mental, or emotional disturbance could have ever led someone to target children in this way. They could not have done any conceivable harm to the man who burst into their school with an intent to harm as many people as possible. I can't even type his name on the page....I won't. Doing so feels like humanizing him more than I am able to do right now. 20 children are not at home for Christmas this year and those families are missing their children because of him. And for those families, my husband and myself...as well as parents everywhere...ache for the pain they are experiencing and wishing for the life of us that we could do something....anything...to help. But what can anyone do in the wake of something so horrible but hold each other tightly and try to understand why this happened. Would understanding even help?

Going For The Ride...Scotus Takes Marriage Equality

As probably everyone has already heard, the United States Supreme Court finally announced which marriage equality cases it will hear and their choices where interesting ones. When the Scotus Blog yesterday finally updated that the high court had decided to take the cased of Eddie Windsor and Prop 8 I had to step back and take a double take. Really?....the Prop 8 case? Nearly everyone had expected that one to be kicked back out of hand. But there is was, in digital print staring me in the face. After months of waiting, watching federal circuit court battles...and more waiting, we finally had an answer.  Immediately the internet lit up like a storm as word spread from blog and news outlets, to facebook and beyond. I even woke to find it the headline of my local newspaper this morning. It seemed everyone was pleased with the outcome.

And to be fair...I know it's important that this happens but as I absorbed the news, more questions began to present themselves and the reality set in that this could have a major impact not only on the rights of the gay community as a whole...but also on my marriage. I began to have that feeling in my stomach that you get while cresting a hill on a rollercoaster....that slow ratcheting ascent until that awefull pause at the top before you drop. As I sit here, feeling the subtle tilt of gravity beneath me, I cant help but have a few questions and wonder where all this will end up.

World AIDS Day, Truvada...And Why We Can't Ignore HIV

Today is December 1st, and that makes today World AIDS Day. On this day we take a moment to educate people on the current reality of the HIV/AIDS and to reflect on it's history and those we have lost...and those we are still losing. I sometimes can't believe it, but here we are over thirty years after I first ever heard about HIV, still fighting this disease. And...we are not only fighting the disease itself but also still battling to educate the world about who gets HIV and how. For me, coming up in the 90's, the conversation about HIV and AIDS was pretty unavoidable. It was everywhere. There were commercials aimed at teens and young adults, movies and t.v. shows with HIV/AIDS themes, and of course...the news. Now, to be honest, I am not the most media aware person...but I grew up with a crystal clear idea of what HIV/AIDS was...how it was transmitted...and how to avoid it. I understood that a condom was an important thing to have even before I had any idea what sex really was.

But here we are in a whole different millennium and still needing to have the same conversations. Many still consider HIV to be primarily a gay disease as opposed to a disease that ravages the lives of heterosexual men, women and children around the world...worst in nations that still refuse to acknowledge it's existence and who can often not afford treatment. Over time, new medications changed what a diagnosis of HIV meant such that what used to be an automatic death sentence now holds a ray of hope...if not an end to the disease.

But that thirty years has taken a toll on our perceptions of HIV/AIDS. What used to be a terrifying killer to nearly everyone has become something to be managed and in some cases ignored...for example, for World AIDS Day the online hook up sight Manhunt is sending out emails to its members promoting Truvada...a recently approved pill that can reduce the chances of being infected with HIV...as a solution when "condoms get in the way".

Really?......I was shocked when I read this and had to stop and take a deeper look at it. After thirty plus years of living with HIV as an ever present possibility...and that sex still comes with risk, I questioned how this was helping people stay healthy?....  and was it sending completely the wrong message?

Dan SavageConversations On Monogamy

A good friend sent me a video this morning that I would like to share with you all as today's topic of discussion...and being as how my last few posts have been kind of heavy I thought it would be good to take on something different and something that likely we will all have very different points of view on. The video  titled "Why Monogamy Is Ridiculous", a part of the Big Think series, and features Dan Savage offering his views on the need to rethink love and commitment away from an all or nothing stance to something more flexible and equal to both sexes. No stranger to controversy, Dan Savage says what he thinks and even though this video clip is only two minutes and forty seconds long, it is packed with enough Dan Savage goodness to light the comment section on fire....just like it has already done on YouTube.

Now, you may think you know where I am on this issue...but you may be surprised. The issue of monogamy is much more complex than it appears on the surface and touch's on issues of gender and sexual equality in addition to fidelity and so much more. So watch the video after the jump and fire up the keyboards...because I'm sure we are all going to have a lot to say.

Transgender Awareness Week and Living In Stealth

Did you know that this week is Transgender Awareness Week?...It is! From The 12th through the 19th you can expect to see articles and videos geared to help raise awareness about the Transgender community, culminating with the Transgender Day of Remembrance on the 20th. For those not familiar with the day of remembrance, it is a day set aside to talk about and remember our friends and family in the Transgender community who have been lost to transphobia, suicide, and violence.

In my opinion, these holidays are just as important as any rainbow festooned pride event, largely because the transgender community is so misunderstood...not only by the general public...but often also by the LGB community to whom their "T" is a part of. Coming out as a gay and being a member of the LGBT community does not automatically make you an expert on all it's facets and when a friend came out to me as trans I discovered that I had a  lot of learning to do. Unfortunately, it wasn't long after my friend Carina came out to me that I lost her to suicide because the rejection of her family was too much for her to bear. And just like that, transgender issues stopped being abstract issues peripherally attached to a community I consider myself a part of and became a very personal part of my life. My education on trans life began with my friend Carina but it continues to evolve today...

For example...It was in a discussion with a Trans friend about raising awareness that a comment was made that challenged what I believe to be an important,  if not critical feature of gay life....coming out, and then living your life out of the closet....

Tipping Points

"I felt a great disturbance in the force....as if millions of conservatives suddenly cried out in terror and then their heads exploded. Obama must have won...."
-Obi-wan Kenobi

(Just kidding! Please don't sue me Lucasfilm/Disney!)

It may sound silly, but that is exactly what is playing out all over the internet this week. This election not only saw the reelection of Barack Obama but it also saw a historic win for gay rights at the ballot box. For the first time ever, same-sex marriage won at the voting booth in not just one, but four states. In addition, we saw Tammy Baldwin become our first elected LGBT senator as well as picking up two more out legislators in the Congress. All in all,  the wins for the gay community this election cycle have far reaching implications for the gay community, not the least of which being that it is no longer a liability for lawmakers to publicly support gay rights, nor is it a scarlet letter to be both gay and run for office. Additionally, the fact that gay marriage won the majority vote in...not one, but four states..could put some additional pressure on the Supreme Court to find DOMA unconstitutional. It is because of these big wins and their possible repercussions that some have dubbed this election the "tipping point" for gay rights....the point at which it becomes progressively easier to build further support for the equal civil rights of the LGBT community.

However, it is also because of these big wins that some people are losing their minds. For instance...Aware that the world is changing in ways they don't like, NOM and The Family Research council are having meltdowns of epic proportions, realizing that they are now going to have a much harder time building support for their cause. They have nonetheless circled the wagons and are vowing to continue the fight. To do that they are dropping the mask of civility and upping the ante on the amount of hurt they are willing to cause to their fellow humans. For example....

EPIC WIN 2012!

I can't even believe it!...after a nail biting night of sitting on the edge of our seats as election results slowly poured in...we are now looking at a massive victory for equality and progressive politics. President Obama has won reelection and we also have picked up a handful of out LGBT legislators...including our first out LGBT Congresswoman, Tammy Baldwin! Congratulations too all of them and it is my hope that the more LGBT lawmakers win huge elections like these, the more it will pave the way for even bigger gains and foster a culture of acceptance over fear.

But as if that weren't enough....

I went to bed last night before the ballot initiatives in Maryland, Maine, Washington, and Minnesota had been really counted. Marriage equality had been in the lead, but the margin was very slim. There was every chance that one or two of these states could have slipped away in the night. But what did I discover?...not the mixed bag of wins and losses that most of us expected to see....Marriage Equality had one in ALL FOUR STATES!   For the second time in a month I was utterly gobsmacked. In fact, I'm still a little shocked as I write this post.

Most of you have been with this blog over the years and probably remember the feeling as we entered ballot fight after ballot fight only to have our hearts handed to us on a plate. The feeling of knowing that the majority of people that you would call neighbors thought that our lives weren't worth recognition or equal protection was sickening. And guess what?...I don't have that feeling today. For the first time ever, people went to the poles and told the world that the lives and loves of the LGBT family members, friends, and fellow citizens count as an equal part of the American fabric. That's a huge step forward from eight years ago.

As we take this step  it makes one wonder what the next step will be? Now that marriage equality has won and won big...what will be the implications on things like the Supreme Court as it decides on a growing number of lawsuits against DOMA and have we seen the beginning of the end for DOMA because of last night? And what of The National Organisation for Marriage or The Family Research Institute? Surely there are going to be some head hanging and saber rattling to come from that quarter, but will last nights wins have an effect on their ability to literally scare up donations and fund further anti-equality ballot initiatives. I have heard the opinion that this could be the final nail in NOM's coffin...but...I am not ready to count them out yet. /A caged animal fights harder when it's backed into a corner and this puts NOM into a very small corner.

However, regardless of NOM or the voices that we know will always be there to devalue the gay community, we have a lot to celebrate and be thankful for today. Congratulations to President Obama and Senator Baldwin. Congrats to the people of Maine, Maryland, Washington, and Minnesota for letting love carry the  day...and congratulations to all of us for this historic event touches us all and will reverberate through all our lives.

Who would believe we have come from...

 This:

To this........

The Journey may not be over, but it sure feels a little shorter today...

Until next time dear readers...

"40"

1980....In a suburban cul-de-sac in Northern California, The sounds of Devo's "Whip It" echo off the houses as children play in the street. Riding bikes with playing cards taped to the spokes to make a motor sound, we all pretend to be on motorcycles or...if your me...X-wing fighters. As some bigger kids in their Kristy McNichol iron on Tshirsts sit by the radio and heckle us,  Devo encourages us to "whip it good". A painfully skinny stood on a skate board and held on to a rope as a friend riding a bike tows me as fast as he can peddle. Only problem is...Cul-de-sacs aren't that big, especially when you feel like you're going a million miles an hour AND your riding a skateboard for the first time in your life...EVER. The exhilaration of speed quickly gave way to the realization of fast approaching curb, and rather than plow into a mailbox at speed, I elected to hop off the board instead, hitting the ground like a meteor on reentry ..at least, that's how it felt. Now, it was a warm day and I was wearing  a Tshirt and those super high 70's shorts that made miniskirts look prudish. So it was all skin on  asphalt till I came to a complete stop. I discovered the definition of "road rash" on that day as I limped home, pissed at my friends as everyone laughed their heads off. Devo had made cracking the whip seem like so much fun, but as I gimped my way around the block home to complain to my mom, Picking rocks out of my legs, it sure didn't feel that way. Nor, on this average day, did it feel like the world would ever change. It didn't really feel as if the 70's were over. There was no canon blast to mark the end of one world and the begining of another....but it did change all the same. A lot of water has passed under the bridge since that day. Tomorrow will be 40 years of it, in fact.

Today I would like to take a moment to reflect on what this birthday means to me and what my hopes are for the future. So have a slice of birthday cake, pull up a chair, and feel free to talk about being a getting older but not growing up.

LGBT teens Are Speaking...Are You Listening?

As parents, we hope that we engender trust between ourselves and our children such that they feel that they could tell us anything. After all, we have been there, done that and bought the t shirt too boot. Because of what we may have done when we were young...or even just because we know whats out there...we want to be able to steer our kids through those things in perhaps a better way than we navigated them ourselves. Sex, bullying, drugs, hell...even life on the internet are all things we have to talk to our kids about in order for them to have the tools to face them as competent individuals with solid life skills. We give them the best of our experience and set limits and consequences for behavior in the hopes that we are being the best parents that we can be. Being a parent myself, I understand this all too well.

But...Being a part of a family who's lives are all over the internet put us in conversation with all kinds of people from around the world. One of those groups are teens and preteens who are struggling with the knowledge that they are gay. Some have already come out...some are still working that out...but put together, these kids have a voice and a message that I think many parents need to hear. It's not often easy to hear it, but it is vital that we do with an open heart because our kids lives may depend on it.

Building Bridges...Making Windows

There is something on my chest that I need to get it out.....and...I know that in expressing my opinion of this issue I may be completely wrong. that said, here we go...

This last weekend our family had the privilege of attending a showing of our movie "The Right To Love: An An American Family" at the LGBT Community Center in San Francisco. All in all I like going to these events because I always get to meet great people and because a movie may reach an audience that may not use YouTube. This particular showing was no exception as it was well attended and everyone we met were great people. In the Q and A portion of the event we all had a great discussion about how the movie can open conversations with our straight friends and family...and how important those conversations are to have. It was at that point that someone stood and and expressed how they felt that our family was a good bridge between the gay community and a conservative straight community because they felt  we were "just so normal".

I can't explain it but this just did not sit well with me. I felt like normalcy was actually being used to exclude others who didn't live up to some imagined standard. Now...I know that one of our stated goals with our YouTube channel is to show the world just how "normal and boring" our families(note the plural) are. And furthermore, that is the message that the gay community has to the world...that we are just the same as any one else. But the feeling I had, as I sat in the middle of a city that has so many types of gay people...each as worthy of the civil liberties we are all collectively fighting for is...who is defining that normal? Who are we leaving out in the cold when we establish that some of us are normal and some of us are not. Isn't that exactly the same kind of thinking that we are fighting against in endeavoring to achieve equal protections and opportunities as LGBT people in a world that has historically branded all gay people as "not normal"?

Bear with me and lets talk this out....

Discrimination Does Not Equal Protection

How many times have we heard this idea repeated over and over, in state after state, as a lame excuse for why LGBT people should not be married. Advancing the false notion that marriage is primarily about making and raising children and not about the adults involved...while it has worked to mobilize voters against marriage equality...also denies the notion that LGBT have families and children of their own or that any person regardless of their orientation could get married for...*gasp*...love....and not only to procreate. It's a bread and butter talking point for anti-equality groups that has been so reused and so taken apart and disproven that I am shocked that it still finds traction with anybody. What about older couples, infertile couples, or people who just don't want kids?...we marry them as long as they are opposite-sex couples. So what gives? Well...that's because it's not about preserving some abstract idea of marriage that straight people don't even follow as much as it is about preventing LGBT's from a place at the table.

A pair of articles on Think Progress caught my eye today that...while they are very different stories in themselves...The first being an anti-equality TV spot featuring Baltimore Ravens center Matt Birk, who thinks that gays already have enough protections and the second is a legal challenge to the recently signed law in California making it illegal to practice ex-gay therapy on minors...by parents. Both stories seam light years a part,and yet both speak volumes about what marriage equality opponents truly want to protect...and I don't think the answer is children. First up is Mr. Birk who's YouTube video is no longer able to be embedded but who's words now have a life of their own...

Never Hide...What Four Years of YouTube and Fighting Prop 8 Has Taught Us

"Hello YouTube!".....thats a phrase has been uttered by my family about 345 times over four years. That is exactly how long we have been doing YouTube videos and here we are nearly four years, on the cusp of what could be a landmark Supreme Court decision regarding Prop 8...and we are still making videos. I remember being so angry during the Prop 8 campaign as commercial after commercial on TV told blatant lies about my family and my life. I couldn't believe that stuff like that was even allowed to air on television. The more I saw, the more the polls would teeter on a knifes edge and all we could do was watch as others endlessly talked about my family and my personal rights as if they were things....not the lives of real human beings seeking the same happiness as anyone else.

As those who opposed marriage equality continued to lie and fear monger, I kept hoping and waiting for the commercials to air that would set the record straight. Were were the guys who were going to call out the liars? Where was the compassion, empathy...or better yet, the truth? As our side showed living room conversations with the parents of gay people...and straight celebrities...the question ultimately became, why are they not showing us, as gay people, telling our own stories? Those commercials never came. It was our anger, and frustration with that that led us to one poorly filmed video over a dinner of chicken nuggets that has launched us onto this journey of trying to show what a gay family is...and is not.

I'd like to say that four years later, our side has taken a few notes from the failures of the Prop 8 campaign, but sadly, that doesn't seem to be the case as pro equality organisations are repeating the mistakes of the past for fear of offending people.

 But I think Britney can say it better than me. Take it away girl....

Rupert Everett and Turning Homophobia Back On Ourselves

“I can’t think of anything worse than being brought up by two gay dads.Some people might not agree with that. Fine! That’s just my opinion."    -Rupert Everett

For some of you reading this post, Rupert Everett's opinion about same-sex parenting may be old news by now. After all, the internet has been castigating Rupert for more than a week and that's forever in internet time. Yet as a gay father myself, Rupert's words have continued to ring in my mind...not so much for his evaluation of gay parents, but of Rupert himself. For a man out personally and professionally for a good number of years and in a relationship, you would expect Rupert's experience with gay people to be a little broader. And yet from the tone of his comment, it seems clear that he has never even met a gay parent in real life. If we are the worst that he can think of...then he really needs to get out more.

However, I couldn't give a rats behind about Rupert Everett's opinion about me or my family. Like many people, his opinions(or his mothers) are more fueled by ignorance about gay families than by any fact or experience with them. What troubles me more is that Rupert can maintain this point of view in spite of the fact that he, himself, is gay. And yet....Rupert Everett is not the first person I have heard make some head scratching comment about gay people while being gay themselves. Sadly I have heard things come from gay men that sound like they came straight from the press desk at The National Organization for Marriage. It always makes me wonder how in the hell they can think that way about other gay people as if they are not included in their blanket judgments. And so...Rupert's comments have become the catalyst for me to think a lot about acceptance this week and how we come think of ourselves as gay people before and after coming out. Where does self acceptance come from? Is it from living our lives, out to our family and friends?...or is it learning to define "gay" for ourselves? Lets talk about it...

The "New" Normal?

It seems like all I am blogging about these days is TV.  RNC?....DNC?...who needs all that? I mean....granted there was a couple rather historic speeches that spoke as LGBT people as *gasp* worthy of equal respect, dignity, and the equal treatment of the law...but we're not talking about that today....nope.

Today I finally got to see the series pilot for NBC's The New Normal. And I need to be upfront...I was kind of dreading this show. While on the surface it's a good thing to have representations of gay people on TV...on the other hand, those representations tend to cater more to peoples expectations of gay people than the reality of who we are....especially the ultra sanitized and stereotypical version of gay life favored by network execs.  For example,I know everyone LOVES modern family and Cam and Mitchell, and that's exactly what I expected in terms of how we would be shown. All entertainment...no reality.

But I did watch and I have to admit that I am still processing what I saw. For you guys that means that I will be figuring it out as I am writing this....lucky you. I am having a mixed set of emotions and I guess that must mean that the show got to me on some level and altered my preconceptions of it. Thats good right? Well...pour yourself something cold and lets talk about it....

10 Kids 2 Dads...An Open Conversation

For those of you who may have missed it, The Oprah Winfrey Network recently aired it's new reality series 10 Kids 2 Dads. The show chronicles the lives of Clint and Bryan as they raise their 10 adopted children. As of now the show is being billed as a "special" with hopes that enough interest will lead OWN to make it into a regular series. That's an option I sincerely hope they pick up because I enjoyed watching it a lot...and the list of T.V. shows I consider "must watch" is extremely short....as in countable on one hand short. It was actually my husband Jay is who brought the show to my attention. He is a total reality show junky and so when a show about two dads with adopted kids came up on his radar, we both got pretty excited. And so we settled down to snuggled up for a TV night to watch another set of dad's deal with the stresses of family life both in the everyday way and in the challenges that come with parenting adopted children. This also counted as a "date night" for us...if that tells you anything.

Now...some of my readers know that we have already given some of our opinion about this show on Youtube. However, this is my chance to give my own unvarnished view in a way that our family videos doesn't always allow. In addition, I would like this to be an open conversation as I will likely ramble over a variety of topics relating to the show....please feel free to chime in and let me know what you think. So without further ado...

The Family Research Council Shooting...A Little Perspective

OK...this has been the busiest week I have had in some time and this the first chance I have had to respond to the shooting that took place recently at the DC offices of The Family Research Council and I have a lot to say about it.....

For those of you who may not be up on what happened, 28 year old Floyd Lee Corkins(above) walked into the DC office of the anti-gay lobbying organisation, The Family Research Council, with a gun and a back pack full of Chick-Fil-A sandwiches...made the statement, " I don't like your politics." and opened fire hitting a security guard in the arm. In spite of having been shot, the guard...Leo Johnson...managed to wrestle Corkins to the ground before he could hurt anyone else...rightfully, earning him the title of hero. In addition to Corkins comments and the contents of his bag, he was also reported to be a volunteer at the local LGBT center. Given the history of The FRC's actions against the gay community...a history that earned them a listing as a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center....there is little doubt that Corkins chose this violent act because....well, I can't even guess what he thought he was going to accomplish by shooting people in cold blood...but we know it had everything to do with the long history of the FRC and it's work against LGBT people....more about that after the jump.

First off I need to say that picking up a gun and shooting random people because you are angry or frustrated with the world is just plain wrong. Period. Full Stop. My heart goes out to the security guard who stopped Floyd Corkins from hurting more people. I feel that what he did was the essence of bravery and self sacrifice. Not many people would continue to subdue an attacker after having been shot once already and face that attacker at point blank range.

 Now.... I wish I could stop there. In a situation like this it is just simple human compassion and decency to support those who lived through it, pick up the pieces and help the healing to begin. But instead, what we often do is look for a source of blame. Being that the Corkins was gay and the victim in this case was one of the most prolific and vocal of anti-gay lobbying organisations. It didn't take much to know where this was going to end up.

Let the martyrdom of the FRC and every religiously motivated anti-gay group begin in 3...2...1...

Fierce

Fierce....It's one of those terms that has passed from the gay lexicon into main stream consciousness. When some one dresses to kill for a Saturday night out we can say that they "look fierce". Well I wouldn't...but you might. While few of us could define it if put on the spot, all of us know it when we see it. It's that invisible something that makes you stop and stare in awe and(hopefully) admiration. Online definitions list it as having the qualities of savagery, aggression, and violence. And yet there is another side to being fierce, one that has nothing to do with aggression or how we look on the outside and can only come straight out of the soul. It is that quality of intensity, courage, defiance, and a rock solid core of inner strength that shines through no matter what may be happening to us.

It is most often that measure of the word that makes us stand up and take notice. Individuals, who for one reason or another have make us stand up and cheer for their sheer grit. This week I was inspired and humbled by two stories that reminded me what the true definition of "fierce" is. The first is a report about a Pride event held in Uganda..."kill the gays" Uganda. And Second is the drama unfolding with gay rights in St. Petersburg Russia.

While both may seem on the surface to be unfolding tragedies of human rights....they have also both offered us beautiful glimpses into the heart of courage and how we survive....

Chick-Fil-A...Hypocrisy, Following The Money, and Utterly Missing The Point

Yes this is another Chick-Fil-A post. I know that you may have already had you Fil of them(har har). It does seem that you can't swing a stick these days without being confronted by a story about CFA  on the blogs, online news outlets, television, newspapers, and twitter feeds. This one, seemingly inconsequential company has become the focus of a debate we would normally reserve for a much larger event....like the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell for instance. And yet...this obscure fast food chain has been rocketed into the limelight. Hell...I can't even type this post without the customers in my store reading over my shoulder as I type and wanting to engage me in conversation about it...that's how big this is getting. And there seems to be some confusion as to what it's all about.

With everyone and their Grandmother talking about this(literally)...I didn't think I needed to be one more voice in the din. But...The problem is that nearly everyone has it wrong. Dan Cathy and his homophobic comments have become the focus of the debate, which has become focused on free speech, free capitalism, and freedom of religion....none of which has anything to do with why Chick-Fil-A got in the hot seat to begin with.

However, I had determined not be yet another blog post....until....it all came to a head for me this morning when I saw Jon Stewart's take on the issue on The Daily Show and that became the straw that broke the camels back. And so it is my turn to set the record straight and to hopefully offer a course correction to a debate that has gone dangerously off the rails. But first, The Daily Show clip after the jump....

Finding The Forest For The Weeds

My husband loves to task me...and by "task me" I mean make sure that I have something to do and something to write about at all times. Sometimes this is a good thing, especially when I scan the news and can't find it in myself to emotionally connect with yet another wing nut spouting the same over-the-top garbage that we have all heard before. In those moments, I appreciate his ability to focus me. But some days.....oh well, I'm just gonna say it....it drives me nuts. Today was  one of these days when Jay has emotionally connected with a topic I thought long dead and yelled from across the house for me to come take a look.....Josh Weed, the Gay, married to a woman, councilor, and father of three is back in the news with a recent appearance on Nightline.

"Hey have you seen this video?", Jay says to me with excitment. "What video I ask?", wondering what in the world  could have made him so animated. Did Mitt Romney get caught toe tapping in a mens room?....Did NOM finally and permanently self-destruct?......no?   I came from the breakfast table to Jays computer to see what all the fuss was about and looked at the screen to see Josh Weed and family staring back at me with the headline Gay. Mormon, and Happily Married.  "Oh that story...I saw that weeks ago. why is that back again?"

And that simple comment was the one that opened the door to a debate that suprised me in the intensity of MY emotional reaction to it and incited a debate that still rages on in our home. but first....some background....

A House Divided

Hello everyone...Some things internet goodies have hit me from left field this week and I have something to get off my chest. these may seem like unrelated events...but bear with me..they will make sense in the end.

The first event was a comment left on our Fourth of July BBQ video in which we asked our quests what they felt were the best and worst parts of being gay. Apparently that pushed one viewer over the line causing them to leave this comment:

Dear Depfox: what responsibility do you and your smug married friends take for single-handedly destroying the LGBT Community? The whole gay bar scene is dying (dead?) because self-appointed "Gay Representatives" such as yourselves claim all gays want to be married. Gays used to be a subversive, outrageous, promiscuous culture. Now, you want us all to mimic straight couples and live conservatively in the 'burbs in white picket fences with 2.5 kids. That is not my idea of liberation...

Nice eh? But before I give my answer to MOB's question the second event that has got me all hot and bothered was a video done by my good friend Sama over on trannystargalactica. In it Sam chose to talk about supporting someone (gay, trans or otherwise)who sounds like they may be contemplating suicide and asking her viewers to give three reasons for trans people to carry on in the face of contemplating suicide. Having lost a very long time trans friend to suicide this video hit me right in the heart and I responded with a wall of text as the words poured out of me.

But what does marriage equality and suicide rates in the trans community have in common? The answer answer is simpler than most of us would think and sometimes it makes me want to scream it out loud. So...this is my rant

The Science Of The Obvious

Some of the news items that pop up on the internet make me facepalm...sometimes roll on the floor laughing....and every once in a while, both. This weeks news nugget has both in spades. It appears that there is now scientific evidence that gay parents go through the same relationship challenges as straight parents. In other words...we have less sex. To which I have only one response....

Um.....Duh? oh, and ..../Facepalm!

Someone had to study this to confirm it?! I know that most blogs are framing this as yet another scientific factoid that can help build bridges with people who are still struggling to deal with the notion of gay marriage, gay parenting, and homosexuality in general but the that the fact required a scientific analysis just boggles my mind. So....let me put this issue to bed(har har) once and for all....

Cold Case

Hello everyone. Many of you may remember that last March, Selena had begun asking some very pointed questions about her mother and, at that time, we were doing our best to allow her the fantasies she created while also trying to give her the real story in tiny age appropriate bits. As an adoptive parent you do your best to try and meet your child's needs but no matter how much you may have been expecting these conversations, you may not expect your own emotional reactions to them. While it was clear to us that Daniel wasn't feeling the need to know his bio family...Selena was being affected and seeing the depth of her feeling moved us. Selena needed something to hold on to...some small piece of her mother that can help her understand her story better, even if it's only a picture of her. And so our detective work must begin.

The Problem?.....how do you find someone who doesn't want to be found?

For Turks and Travelers

Hello Everyone....I am back to make up for my lack of a post last weekend. As many of you know, my husband Jay has been overseas in Turkey to support a friend who has had a really awful year. The fact that I did not post last week was called out by my husband who very politely commented that "My Turkish fans were looking forward to my post this week.".....and by "Turkish fans" he meant himself. So this post is in part for him and in part a stream of thought about what happens when you make connections with people beyond the bubble of your everyday life. Sometimes those  journeys take us on planes miles from home, and sometimes we go farther than any plane can carry us with just the click a mouse. Often. it's not the journey itself that is as remarkable as the people you meet along the way because they make the road worth taking. Will you take a short journey with me?

Foster Diaries...Another Chapter Closes

This week has been an eventful one for our family. It has seen me reveal my OCD to our YouTube audience(something which scared the hell out of me) and we had the good fortune to reunite another family, ending a year long foster placement that was originally only meant to last 2-3 months. It sort of felt like Gilligan's Island...a three hour tour that turned into something much, much longer. However...looking back over the last year has taught me that even when things were at their most challenging and at times I really...really wanted to tear my hair out, we all were learning and growing together in ways I couldn't recognize at the time. It's only now that "H" and his little sister "D" are home with their parents that I can look back at the last year and realize the good things that we gave to each other..and sometimes the ride has been a rough one.

Paul Cameron Admits Gay Attraction...And Why We Should Care

Hello everyone...Earlier this week it was announced that, while being interviewed on the David Pakman radio show, discredited anti-gay researcher Paul Cameron admitted on air to having same-sex attractions from the age of three. For those of you who are not familiar with Cameron or his work, Cameron was a psychologist and sex researcher who built his career by bogus "studies" and research papers vilifying the gay community. In order to create credibility for his assertions, Cameron would often distort and sometimes outright bastardize the work of other credible scientists. This ultimately led to him being expelled from the American Psychological Association and roundly condemned and discredited by the medical and psycholigical communities. However,...not letting a pesky thing like facts stop them...promininent anti-gay orgs continue to use Camerons works to bolster there own viewpoints and to pad their arguments with his false statistics. This mans works are the source documents for groups who right this minute seek to eliminate any protections the gay community might attain.

Therefor...it was with to my chagrin that his anouncement on the Pakman Show didn't garner more attention. I saw it as a big dam hairy deal. We need to be shouting it out as loudly as we did George Allen Rekkers. If your not familiar with Paul Cameron, you should be and I will tell you why...(Video Below the fold)

Presidential Evolutions

This week saw the incredible...and very long overdue...announcement that President Obama has completed his "evolution" on marriage equality and now officially and publicly supports it. Usually, when something this big happens, Jay and I like to make a YouTube video about it and rant/cheer depending on the event. However, this week didn't allow us to weigh in on the subject...so this is my opportunity to vent my thoughts and opinions on what has been dubbed an "historic" event. Yet...given the unprecedented nature of the Presidents announcement, no one can agree on whether or not this was good move on the Presidents part or a political blunder...and whats up with Joe Biden? Does his apology to the President signal that  Obama's support is less than sincere? Grab a cup-o-joe and lets talk about it.

(P.S....this is my first time blogging on the new MacBook Pro...I am a long time PC user and there is something of a learning curve for Mac products, so please bear with me.....)

Till Tuesday...The Spector of Amendment One

The absurd travesty of justice that is North Carolina's Amendment One is coming to a vote this Tuesday and all of us are watching, semi-hopeful and fingers crossed. While I have not weighed in on the subject of Amendment one, allow me to correct that this week by giving some of my thoughts on what I see as a ridiculous effort on the part of conservatives lawmakers to not only shut the door against gay marriage forever, but also nail it shut and then burn  the house down with themselves inside. I know that I am holding my breath until the vote is over this Tuesday and I thought I would take a moment to discuss the Amendment and why I think it's adoption would ultimately be North Carolina shooting itself in the foot....pull up a chair and a steaming cup of whatever you like and join me...

Superheroes

Holy Homosexuality!....Batman is Gay!

..At least he is according to a recent Playboy(via Huffpo) article quoting comic writer Grant Morrison who has written for many of DC's Batman titles. Upon reading this, I could almost imagine the entire internet replying with a resounding...."Well Duh! Who didn't know that?!"  hell...the jokes and ennuendo about Batman's percieved sexuality we passed around when I was in elementary school and are probably significantly older then that. However, for some reason, we cant stop mulling over the idea that a superhero can actually be gay and a hero at the same time. However, the article details Morrison's thoughts about the Dark Knight:

"...He’s very plutonian in the sense that he’s wealthy and also in the sense that he’s sexually deviant. Gayness is built into Batman. I’m not using gay in the pejorative sense, but Batman is very, very gay. There’s just no denying it. Obviously as a fictional character he’s intended to be heterosexual, but the basis of the whole concept is utterly gay. I think that’s why people like it. All these women fancy him and they all wear fetish clothes and jump around rooftops to get to him. He doesn’t care—he’s more interested in hanging out with the old guy and the kid.”

Now....tights, latex, perrenial unattached bachelor with a younger "ward",...the cape? Batman has always had a question mark attached to his sexuality and it wasn't put there as a part of some nefarious plot by The Riddler. this is the Batman that I grew up with....

ENDA...Is It Time To Turn Up The Heat?

Employment non-discrimination is getting some much needed coverage this week...albeit for all the wrong reasons. President Obama is coming under fire for refusing to issue an executive order banning anyone contracting with the Federal Government from discriminating against any of their employees on the basis of sexual orientation or gender identity. To be honest, while the reports call it a "blow for advocates", I don't think anyone is surprised. If anyone feels echoes of the DADT repeal or the President's "evolution" on marriage equality that's because the same tactics and verbage are again being put in play. While this executive order would only affect the employees of government contractors, it would at least be a step in the right direction to a larger national law. Instead, the administration is claiming to put their efforts into a national ENDA policy by building a "coalition" of bipartisan support. In a recent White House response to the President's decision, Press Secretary Jay Carney articulated the Administrations viewpoint:

The President is dedicated to securing equal rights for all LGBT Americans.  And that is why he has long supported an inclusive employment non-discrimination act which would prohibit employers across the country from discriminating on the basis of sexual orientation and gender identity.  The President is committed to lasting and comprehensive non-discrimination protections, and we plan to pursue a number of strategies to attain that goal.  Our hope is these efforts will result in the passage of ENDA, the Employment Non-Discrimination Act, which is a legislative solution to LGBT employment discrimination.

And I would make the comparison here that pursuing that strategy, the passage of ENDA, is very similar to the approach the President took for the legislative repeal of “don’t ask, don’t tell.”

Does all this sound familiar to you too? With the repeal of DADT, the President had it within his power to issue and executive order and instead, opted to build a similar bipartisan coalition and came under all the same criticism. But there's a problem with the Administrations version of events surrounding the repeal of DADT that may be key to understanding our role in helping pass ENDA and ensuring workplace protections for all LGBT Americans....and that is the role of outside pressure.

Happy Easter 2012!

Happy Easter everyone!  Even if you don't celebrate this holiday we wish you an awesome day filled with love and lots of goodies! Remember...the world looks better with chocolate! Today we are going to let the kids hunt for Easter eggs and then, after they are done enjoying their Easter haul, we will be going to brunch with family. Mimosa's for everybody! We hope everyone has a great holiday and....

Until next time dear readers...

Testimony...The San Francisco Gay Men's Chorus

"And when I die....When it's my time to go....I want to come back......as me"

Well The San Francisco Gay Men's Chorus has gone and done it again...they have gone and made something so beautiful it made me cry dammit. Thanks a lot guys. I was wondering this morning what to write about for Easter when I stumbled upon their video for the making of "Testimony". The song is a collaboration project with Broadway producer Stephen Schwartz and can best be described as a musical interpretation of the "It Gets Better Project"....and most especially of the deep feelings behind what made that project necessary. While I have often wondered if the It Gets Better Project was reaching those who most need to hear it, I have never doubted the ability of honestly sharing our stories to make a positive difference in someone else's life. After all, it is one thing to intellectually realize that you are not the only one...it is something else to experience that reality in the shared experience of others. There was a time in my life when I could not imagine saying the words of the song above. That is why hearing 250 beautiful voices singing the way I felt almost twenty years ago reduced me to tears and had me singing along with them. Check out the video and join in the conversation to share your experiences with us.

Civil Rights and Gay Rights March Together in the life of Bayard Rustin

"The only weapon we have is our bodies...and we need to put them in places so that wheels don't turn."...Bayard Rustin

There are some people in life who have helped me change how I think about being a gay person. Growing up as I did, in a home in which it was made crystal clear to me how wrong my parents, the church, and society as a whole looked at LGBT life as something sick and to be ashamed of. As a part of my journey to self acceptance, those messages had to be undone and one of the ways that was accomplished has been in the examples of great LGBT people who by their examples have rocked the way I thought about myself...and the world. One such person is Bayard Rustin.

I had known of Bayard...that he was an adviser to Martin Luther King Junior, an outspoken activist and organizer,...and gay. That alone was a revelation to me. Most people think of Martin Luther King Jr. as one of the great leaders of our time for his work in helping drive forward the civil rights movement. It had hit me like a bomb then, to discover that standing by his side was a gay man...one who not only worked along side him, but advised him. The questions I had were endless. How out was Rustin to MLK and the rest of the leaders of the movement? What was his life like? Did he have relationships or was his a life marked with solitude? and finally....why had I never heard this before?

Again, my ideas about who we are as gay men and women had been changed and I needed to know more. Fortunately, because it was recently the anniversary of Rustin's 100th birthday there has been some talk about him and his life which led me to a documentary about his life....Brother Outsider, The Life Of Bayard Rustin. What I have learned about him not only answered all those questions I had and made me feel a personal connection to events that happened before my birth...they showed me and a singular individual, who was amazing all in his own right

Being Seen

This blog entry may not be specifically about gay issues....however, it is a beautiful story about equality that just happens to intersect with one of my passions...futuristic Sci Fi. In their zeal to support their favorite obsessions, Star Wars Fans and Star Trek fans have often battled it out over which of the two is the best...a debate that still rages. Now...I know that my readers know that I love Star Wars....perhaps some would say a little too much. But Like most kids my age I grew up loving Star Trek too. Anything that took me out into space was(and still is) a good thing. I watched it in syndication and dreamed of better tomorrows in which the noblest of human instincts carried us beyond our destructive capacities and into the stars. The fact that Both Star Trek and Star Wars carried an unspoken subtext about race and difference may not have been foremost on my mind as a kid...but the lesson was learned all the same. Star Trek just did it first and a bit more directly.

In absent-mindedly dusting my living room I was listening to a documentary on Television about Star Trek called "Trek Nation". It was hosted by Star Trek Creator Gene Roddenberry's son "Rod" Roddenberry as a tribute to the series his father created. It was an interesting show to watch....but I wasn't supposed to be watching, I was supposed to be cleaning...and so I listened while I worked. that is...until a segment with Nichelle Nichols(Lt. Uhura) discussing a meeting with Martin Luther King Jr. caught my ear and made me drop everything to listen....

Going To Disneyland!

For most of us, that knowledge should come with congratulations and condolences simultaneously....but all kidding aside it is time for this family to saddle up and get some time away. We have asked our kids to be very patient with the movie events for Right To Love that we have asked them to attend and they have have been champs through it all. They have watched the movie through several times without complaining.....much, they have stood onstage with us and and answered questions from multiple audiences, and they have put up with getting dressed up and staying put together despite their every impulse to be kids. The kids have earned something special and this trip is our way to say thank you to them.

So we will be standing in long lines....hopefully not in the rain which is currently pouring like cats and dogs here in Northern California. We will be tag teaming escorting the kids on rides while the other watches the two year old, responding to repeated requests for a bathroom halfway through an hour long line, and paying way too much for theme park food. That's life in Disneyland...and a very peculiar kind of magic if you ask me but that's o.k. because they have something for dad too!...Disney's Star Wars ride, Star Tours, has been revamped to be a completely new experience with up to 50 alternate endings. That's a lot of waiting in line and don't think my kids are THAT patient with me. But speaking of patience....

Why Is MSNBC Still Hosting The Family Research Council?

Today's title says it all really....as a member of a Southern Poverty Law Center designated hate group...why are Tony Perkins, Peter Sprigg, or anyone from the Family Research Council constantly asked to be on MSNBC and/or CNN to represent a fair minded or rational opposition to an LGBT issue when it has been proven time and time again that they are one of the chief exporters of lies and distortions about the gay community? Using little but their interpretation of religion and the very discredited junk science of Paul Cameron, they have testified before congress and been on countless cable TV news shows spreading the idea that allowing LGBT people anything at all is tantamount to the utter destruction of the country. Who made them boss of everything anyway?....no one, that's who...

However, my opinion on the matter carries less weight with those who might need to see the FRC for what it really is...an organisation who's sole job is to spread fear and hatred of gay, bisexual, and transgendered peoples then from those from the same faith communities that Tony and the FRC target. Oh no...there is no family research going on at the Family Research Council, it's all about stopping the gays....a fact that has been picked up on by a group called Faithful America who have made a thirty second long commercial asking MSNBC to stop promoting Tony and the FRC as anything other then what they are. But will the world see it?......no. because, naturally, MSNBC refused to air it.

And so I have chosen to share it here because I think it's an important topic to bring up and that, if this commercial wont make television...we can still spread it to all corners of the internet to have a real discussion about how we talk about LGBT issues in the media. check out the commercial after the jump and then I will add my two cents to the mix...

Foster Diaries: Risking Your Heart

One thing that we as human beings do not like to do with our hearts is risk them. Risk means uncertainty and with uncertainty comes the possibility of loss and pain. But however much we try too limit the risks we have to take, it has been a life lesson for me to learn to hold your heart out there anyway..even  if you are hurt.And in the event that you are, you must learn not to let it keep you from loving again. This is the heavy lifting of the heart and way we build its capacity to love. Yes, I know...it sounds like the inside of a Hallmark greating card but it is also a fact of life as I have lived it.

One of the ways this lesson was brought home to me was through adoption and foster care. Many of our readers may have been keeping abreast of my previous writings about "Baby Boy". The two year old who has stolen our hearts and who already feels like a member of our family. He came into our lives with two ear infections and soul full of pain and made me question my ability as a foster parent only to later steal all our hearts. At that time we had to say goodbye to him and let him be with a member of his family for long term care only to have him return six months later after having suffered horrific abuse in that home. We welcomed him back with the intention that this time we wanted him to stay. But as with all times you open your heart to someone...there is the possibility that it wont work out. Such is the case with Baby boy.