Bullying and Healing Old Wounds

For most of my posts I like to have a news item or event on which to base my writing from...heaven knows there are plenty of things in the news to be grist for the mill. The developments within the Catholic Church alone could keep us talking for days. But...for some reason my mind keeps coming back around to bullying. No...it's not some special anti-bullying holiday, nor has some terrible example of peer abuse popped up in the news today. It's just on my mind lately because, like many of us, I went through it. Bullying dominated my life and made me hate and fear school from elementary into high school. School was the hell were I was tortured and telling adults did nothing to fix it....then. Since there was no help for what was happening to me there was little to do about it but find ways to survive and that's what I did....

There is the assumption that time heals all wounds and that after awhile past trauma's should not hurt us anymore. I guess it's true given enough time passes. But as I am sitting here sipping my coffee as a 40 year old adult far removed from the days I was bullied, I am wondering what the long term effect of those years was on who I am today. Bullying...especially intense and sustained bullying...leaves it's mark on a person. It's like scar tissue, it may not be as crippling as when it was new, but it never really goes away completely. If I want to, I can remember the faces and events of what happened with more clarity than I can remember some birthdays or Christmas's. because of those days of constant fear, I have an instictive need to avoid conflict...even watching it on t.v. can trigger anxiety feelings in me. And worst of all is the damage that is done to our self-esteem. It has taken me years to begin to believe that I have a right to consider myself as good as the person next to me...or to speak up for myself at all. I literally lost all sense of a healthy ego. Now, even 30 years later I still struggle with this.

I know that some of what I write here may be embarrassing for me to admit in such a public forum....but it happened. It may be uncomfortable for some to read but this post is my place to work it out and hopefully find wisdom....either in just telling the tale, or in hearing from others. So my question today is....how does being bullied affect us as grown ups? If we can get through those days, does that which does not kill us really make us stronger...or just stranger?

Testimony...The San Francisco Gay Men's Chorus

"And when I die....When it's my time to go....I want to come back......as me"

Well The San Francisco Gay Men's Chorus has gone and done it again...they have gone and made something so beautiful it made me cry dammit. Thanks a lot guys. I was wondering this morning what to write about for Easter when I stumbled upon their video for the making of "Testimony". The song is a collaboration project with Broadway producer Stephen Schwartz and can best be described as a musical interpretation of the "It Gets Better Project"....and most especially of the deep feelings behind what made that project necessary. While I have often wondered if the It Gets Better Project was reaching those who most need to hear it, I have never doubted the ability of honestly sharing our stories to make a positive difference in someone else's life. After all, it is one thing to intellectually realize that you are not the only one...it is something else to experience that reality in the shared experience of others. There was a time in my life when I could not imagine saying the words of the song above. That is why hearing 250 beautiful voices singing the way I felt almost twenty years ago reduced me to tears and had me singing along with them. Check out the video and join in the conversation to share your experiences with us.

Bully....Rated "R" For Realness

Bullying has been a much talked about topic these days and as a person who was bullied to an extreme, I am very glad to see this come about. There has always been a tendency for parents and educators to take the stance that there is not much that can be done and "boys will be boys" even in the face of circumstances that lead to another suicide. It is important that when kids ask for help that we listen because sometimes no one else is. And so we do our best to let kids know that they are not alone in the hopes that even if the world around them never changes...they can find the strength to survive it.

In the face of what seems to me to be such an obvious need, it was with great anger that I read that the Motion Picture Association of America recently handed an "R" rating to a documentary meant to bring awareness to the subject by showing the brutal realness of it. BULLY...is a documentary by Harvey Weinstein and it shows in clear fashion  that bullying goes far beyond name calling into the realm of violence and trauma...as well as showing the astounding level of denial many will go through to pretend it doesn't exist. What makes me angry is that giving a movie such as this an "R" rating puts it right out the hands of those who might need to see it most and it makes this topic seem like something inappropriate for children, even though they may be living the reality of this issue everyday. Check out the trailer after the jump and you be the judge...

Invisible connections

Like many, I have been struggling to understand the death of Trevor Project Intern Eric James Borges. Much has been made of his connections to the Trevor Project and making an "It Gets Better" video a month prior to his suicide as if those things are a barrier to someone making this kind of decision. After all, doesn't working for the Trevor Project bring you into contact with others who could have recognized the path that EricJames was walking?....Being so immersed in saving the lives of others, how was Eric not able to take the message of the organisation he worked for to heart? And the question that sits underneath it all festering like a poison....How effective is the Trevor Project or "It Gets Better" if you can work within them and then still make the decision to kill yourself? Is it all just bullshit? How do you begin to make sense of this?...

I have done a lot of thinking in the last 24 hours and I have to admit that I am no closer to making any sense out of this, but the one thing I think that is missed in our grief over another loss is the message of Eric's life. Eric may have gone but he left behind a gift that I found so heartbreakingly beautiful that I have to share it with all of you. It is that gift that says more about who Eric was and how he saw the world. It is a short film he made called "Invisible Creatures"...take a moment to watch it after the jump...

Meeting Randy Roberts Potts...New Friends And Old Scars

We at gay family values have been fortunate enough to meet lots of other fantastic YouTubers. The great thing about meeting these people in person is that we really get to know them as the regular people. Sean Chapin was the first YouTuber we had ever met and we had so many stars in our eyes. Also, this summer we got to meet the infamous Jim Stone and his husband and had a wonderful time hanging out together as well as eating his husbands fantastic cooking. And each "Big Gay Vacation" has brought us to YouTubers that I now count as good friends. As people often tell us that we have impacted their lives in positive ways...I don't know if you all know how much richness all of you add to ours. It's one of the big pluses of being a part of the YouTube community.

Therefor, it was with great excitement that we looked forward to meeting Randy Roberts Potts. Randy is the grandson of the legendary Evangelist Oral Roberts...a father to three awesome children...and a gay man facing his past with courage and using it to make positive change in the world. I, in particular, had a strong desire to meet Randy because of his grandfather's ministry and its ubiquitous place in my own past. I admit that I was not sure what I was hoping to find in talking to him....healing...revelation...both of those being very religiously loaded terms. But what I did find was worth so much more.

Where Do We Stand?....Tragedy and Triumph

Yesterday saw the end of "Don't Ask Don't Tell" and one more victory was won in the long march towards equality. Celebrations are being held all over the nation and in the news. Everyone is overjoyed to see this bit of institutionalized hatred bit the dust. I know it meant a great deal to my husband, who served a tour of duty under DADT during the original "Desert Storm" operation in Iraq. Jay came to accept himself as a gay man during his time in the Army and it has always been his regret that he served in the closet and ultimately left the Army because he knew their would be no place for him in it as an openly gay man. He was particularly jazzed then to be able to make his own celebration video marking the end of DADT.

And then reality punched us in the face again....another teen had killed himself due to bullying...

When Does It Get Better For LGBT Seniors?

"It Gets Better"....those are the words we tell every LGBT teen who is suffering alone and trying to come to grips with themselves and their place in a world that can be very hostile to anyone who is different. We tell them..."One day you will no longer be in high school. You will be far away from those who would hurt you for who you are...and there is nothing wrong with who you are. One day you will be out of your parents home and you will be able to make your life what YOU want to it to be."

That is the core of the "It Gets Better" project to me. Not that your life will be all butterflies, bunny rabbits, and magic rainbow unicorns the rest of your days...but that you will be in control of what happens to you and that can make all the difference in the world. You can seek out other gay people and find community, someone to love, and if you are so inclined and laws allow...make a family. The world will still kick us in the teeth(as it does everyone) and it may not always feel better....sometimes it still sucks...but the difference is that you are in control and can make of those circumstances what you will with a great deal more freedom. 

But what happens when we are older? Does it get better still matter when you are 50?....60?....70? I ran into a handful of articles this week that detail some disturbing(though not surprising) facts about gay seniors that have caused me to stop and think about the sentiment behind what we tell LGBT youth about survival and how it applies to growing older gay.

Google Airs "It Gets Better" Commercial

We all know the "It Gets Better" Project has gotten so large that it has taken on a life of its own. Now, Google is adding it's contribution in the form of a minute and a half commercial airing on national television...and guess what?.....Our family got to be in it!!!!

It's a very small snippet and if you blink at the wrong time you will miss us but we are there at the 0:53 mark. Yaaayy!!! My husband Jay was bursting at the seems to tell everyone but we had signed a confidentiality agreement and so, could not say a word until it aired....AND...even though they used the video that we had uploaded to Youtube, we were still required to join the screen actors guild...lol.

On a more serious note we are grateful that Google took on this project and furthermore that it is airing during a show like Glee...which not only  made Jay squeel with delight...but will likely reach tons of kids who may need to know about the project. We are very gratefull to have been included both in the commercial and that It Gets Better Project itself. Check out the commercial and see if you recognize anyone...

My Favorite "It Gets Better" Video

Dan Savages's "It Gets Better" project has exploded. There are now literally hundreds of videos made by everyday people the likes of you and me...to the President of The United States and many major celebrities. But of all the videos that I have seen from the project...this one just blew me away:...The gay grandson of Oral Roberts writing an "It Gets Better" letter to his gay uncle who committed suicide in 1982.

Its no doubt that religion plays a large roll in the shame that LGBT teens go through...hell all of us have to go through. It did for me in a major way. So many of us take the risk to come out to our families as an act of love and honesty only to be met with disapproval....threats of hell...and sometimes outright rejection. So when I man like Randy Roberts Potts tells his story...it has an amazing ability to help...not only gay teens, but grown men like me. His heartfelt words to his uncle moved me to tears. Please watch the video after the jump...