Toward A More Perfect Union

LGBTQI....

It is a term many of us struggle to pronounce let alone wrap our minds around what it means. Indeed, when I came out in the 90's the term was already in flux from various forms of GLB to LGB. Not long after, I learned we had added the "T" and a whole bunch of people freaked out about that. However, in spite of all their histrionics about the addition of Transgendered to the label our community wears...it stuck, and has been the (mostly) accepted lingo we have used for most of my adult gay life. Most recently, we have added Intersex and Queer/Questioning to include a spectrum of experience that transcends both sexual orientation and sexual identity. It may be hard to say, but until we invent a single word to describe the experience...it is the best we have.

While it may be an awkward term to explain to those outside our community. We have to explain what each letter means and why it is used. More often than not, their expression reads as if I had tried to explain life on another planet. However, they are not the only ones...Some who fall under it's broadly inclusive banner also struggle to understand what links us all together. For example...

In a totally bewildering exchange that took place on Americablog. John Aravosis, a writer I have respected over the years has written an article titled The End Of Gay History . A piece initially meant to speculate on the future of gay activism and orgs in the face of the victories they have achieved. The actual question asked being, "Are we at the end of gay history?" However, what actually developed by the end of the story was less about the relevancy of gay activism in the gay community...and more a wild veering off into the perceived fractures between the letters of our movement. And I used the word "perceived" for a reason. The whole thing was one massive /facepalm moment.

That this post devolved into a fight  between "gay white men" and the Transgendered community, left me bewildered and scratching my head at just what the hell any of these people were thinking. But I'm getting ahead of myself...

Among the issues that surfaced  were...Who are we as a community? What binds us together? And as we see progress on one front, how do we treat the others who aren't advancing as fast?...at least, that's the nice way of phrasing what they posed much less nicely. Pull up a chair and your favorite cup'o something and lets tackle this messy business head on...

Gay Rights..Where Are We Now?

Hello everyone....

It has been sometime since I last spoke to all of you. For reasons I will detail further on, writing had become a chore that I didn't understand why I was still doing. But I am happy to be back and I hope that this will mark a new beginning....not only for this blog...but in my life. In fact, the title of todays post offers a clue of what I want to share with you all. So without further ado...

This evening I watched the HBO adaptation of "The Normal Heart", written by HIV and gay rights activist Larry Kramer. For those unfamiliar...the subject of the drama was a retelling of the early years in which AIDS began killing young men in the new York gay community and the struggle to get an uncaring government to respond and a terrified gay community to galvanize in it's own defense. With no medical information on what was happening and why we were getting sick, half the battle was in combating fear and marching on in the face of uncertainty and the loss of friends and lovers that went on unabated. The film shows the foundation of one of the first gay organizations to respond to the AIDS crisis, Gay Mens Health Crisis, and is told from the perspective of one of it's founders Larry Kramer(renamed Ned Weeks in the film), who is often criticized for being too loud, too confrontational, too critical in his roll as an activist fighting against the tide of death all around him.

I watched this movie in tears for the most part(while developing a crush on Mark Ruffalo).....and then I lied awake most of the night thinking about it. Something in me had shifted. You see, I had stopped blogging after DOMA had been struck down because I did not see any need for what I was doing anymore. Prop 8 had launched us into the fight for gay rights, not limited to marriage equality, but when that goal seemed realized...I didn't know what I was doing anymore.

Until someone asked me an innocent question....

VICTORY!...... DOMA and Prop 8 are Gone!

In a double ruling, the United States Supreme Court today struck down the Defense  of Marriage Act by a 5-4 margin....AND.... dealt the final blow to Prop 8. Both are now gone.

Our family has been fighting Prop 8 since the day it was announced in 2008. Nearly as soon as we could get married did the news come someone would fight it...as we knew they would. We all had to move so fast to get married before the window closed that My husband and I had to marry a week before when we would have, which would have been my birthday and the anniversary of our domestic partnership. That day would also have been the day Prop 8 passed at the ballot box. A day we will always remember as being a very sad one. And yet here we are nearly five years and many court battles later....still standing and still married. Prop 8 has been such a big part of our lives for the last five years that it's stamp can never be undone. It launched us into activism...onto YouTube and this blog...and brought so many amazing people and experiences into our lives that I am almost grateful for it even as I celebrate its passing.

And DOMA too. I almost don't even know what to say because a part of me always feared that the Supremes would find a way to wiggle out of striking it down. I really can't believe it's gone as well. This, more than anything is the reason for the picture I have put at the top of this blog. Just like the destruction of the Death Star, DOMA has always been a similar instrument of tyranny...and its demise no less dramatic and far reaching. I know that for my whole life, I have believed and accepted that no government would accept or sanction and gay relationship.....that was just the world I came out in. Hell...DOMA was signed into law at about the same time that I came out, further underscoring the collective statement that gay people would be forever unprotected by the laws that would always treat us like strangers to those we love and spend our lives with. We were on our own and that was just the way it was. How amazing to be writing this day celebrating the end, not only of DOMA and Prop 8, but that way of thinking.

Between the Deaths of Prop 8 and DOMA I feel like I am standing in a completely different world. In fact...I am. And just as the destruction of the Death Star in  Star Wars was seen as an impossible task...so to was this. There were cries of joy....and great exhales of relief. That's how I feel today.

I know that tommorow will  bring new battles and more insane comments by people who simply will not let gay people get on with our lives. We know we have more work to do.....But today is a day to celebrate.

The Tale of The Nightingale Empress

As many of you readers may already know. This year our family was invited to be Grand Marshals at the this years Pride celebration and awarded the José Julio Sarria History Maker award for our families work for marriage equality and LGBT families. We were honored and excited to receive this award but the very next thing we discovered was that we had no idea who José Julio Sarria was. In fact, I would bet that most people don't. That's the unfortunate thing about the often interrupted timeline of gay history, the lives and stories of important LGBT people are still left to be unearthed and brought into the light. Many now know of Harvey Milk because of the movie about his life, but there are many more characters to discover and tales to be told and just waiting to be rediscovered.  And since we were receiving and award for "history making" in Sarria's name, we figured there must be quite a story to be told. In fact there is....

Building Bridges...Making Windows

There is something on my chest that I need to get it out.....and...I know that in expressing my opinion of this issue I may be completely wrong. that said, here we go...

This last weekend our family had the privilege of attending a showing of our movie "The Right To Love: An An American Family" at the LGBT Community Center in San Francisco. All in all I like going to these events because I always get to meet great people and because a movie may reach an audience that may not use YouTube. This particular showing was no exception as it was well attended and everyone we met were great people. In the Q and A portion of the event we all had a great discussion about how the movie can open conversations with our straight friends and family...and how important those conversations are to have. It was at that point that someone stood and and expressed how they felt that our family was a good bridge between the gay community and a conservative straight community because they felt  we were "just so normal".

I can't explain it but this just did not sit well with me. I felt like normalcy was actually being used to exclude others who didn't live up to some imagined standard. Now...I know that one of our stated goals with our YouTube channel is to show the world just how "normal and boring" our families(note the plural) are. And furthermore, that is the message that the gay community has to the world...that we are just the same as any one else. But the feeling I had, as I sat in the middle of a city that has so many types of gay people...each as worthy of the civil liberties we are all collectively fighting for is...who is defining that normal? Who are we leaving out in the cold when we establish that some of us are normal and some of us are not. Isn't that exactly the same kind of thinking that we are fighting against in endeavoring to achieve equal protections and opportunities as LGBT people in a world that has historically branded all gay people as "not normal"?

Bear with me and lets talk this out....

Being Seen

This blog entry may not be specifically about gay issues....however, it is a beautiful story about equality that just happens to intersect with one of my passions...futuristic Sci Fi. In their zeal to support their favorite obsessions, Star Wars Fans and Star Trek fans have often battled it out over which of the two is the best...a debate that still rages. Now...I know that my readers know that I love Star Wars....perhaps some would say a little too much. But Like most kids my age I grew up loving Star Trek too. Anything that took me out into space was(and still is) a good thing. I watched it in syndication and dreamed of better tomorrows in which the noblest of human instincts carried us beyond our destructive capacities and into the stars. The fact that Both Star Trek and Star Wars carried an unspoken subtext about race and difference may not have been foremost on my mind as a kid...but the lesson was learned all the same. Star Trek just did it first and a bit more directly.

In absent-mindedly dusting my living room I was listening to a documentary on Television about Star Trek called "Trek Nation". It was hosted by Star Trek Creator Gene Roddenberry's son "Rod" Roddenberry as a tribute to the series his father created. It was an interesting show to watch....but I wasn't supposed to be watching, I was supposed to be cleaning...and so I listened while I worked. that is...until a segment with Nichelle Nichols(Lt. Uhura) discussing a meeting with Martin Luther King Jr. caught my ear and made me drop everything to listen....

Happy Holidays From Us!

Happy Holidays from all of us here at the Leffew home.

It has been one crazy holiday season and I for one am glad that Christmas is finally here so that I can just enjoy the day and forget any preparations that still may need to be done. Our gifts are purchased and wrapped, our dinner is ready to go...and Santa even made an appearance here the day before his big night. If you're on a budget this holiday season try this Overstock coupon. The store has a wide array of selection so hopefully you can pick something out for your whole family!

I know that Daniel knows the truth about Santa now...but I hope he never stops believing that magical things can happen. As he gets older, his wish list changes from video games and toys to video games and a leather jacket but I hope he and Selena always remain little kids inside. As a grown up, my Christmas wish list has changed somewhat too. I look around my life and realize that I have so much that I am grateful for, that it shrinks my list down quite a bit. But, a few things I have wished for under the evening stars are a world in which no gay person needs to fear to lose their job, their home, or their life because someone discovers their sexual orientation or gender identity. I saw a lot of violence done to friends this year and it reminds me just how far we have to go make that world more than just a wish. I'm keeping a handful of people in my prayers this year and their safety and happiness is my Christmas wish.

So I do believe in magic. It may not come with sparkles, colorful light shows, or the sound of harps, but I do believe that incredible....even impossible things happen when we hold them in our hearts and make room for them in our lives. That's just me though and I don't ever want to stop believing.

 Merry Christmas and happy holidays from Jay, Daniel, Selena, and myself....and no matter where you may find yourself this holiday season, may you be safe and warm as well as surrounded by those you love.

The Trouble With Quibbles or...Why We Put Our Kids On The Net

Welcome back everyone...I know my blogging has been sporadic lately. Daily life seems to be getting in the way putting pen to paper....or at least keystrokes to net. However, that does not mean that our lives have been uneventful. This week we had Halloween, my 39th birthday, and a great right up about "The Right To Love: An American Family" In the Huffington Post. That's all big stuff! Being an amateur blogger I was thrilled to find the movie being covered by such a large and well read publication...and to receive a positive review for the movie was even better. I want to say thank you to Frank Schaeffer, the author of the piece for giving his truthful and candid observations about the movie and also about our family.


I also want to address a "quibble" Mr. Schaeffer had with us as parents exposing our children to protests and the glare of public scrutiny. It's not the first time we have heard that point make and  I feel it is important enough point that it requires a response. Our kids are very important to us and our decision to include them in our YouTube work was not simple. It was however, an organic process and not a preplanned set of events.....but I will explain that further in a sec. Read on after the fold.....

Where Do We Stand?....Tragedy and Triumph

Yesterday saw the end of "Don't Ask Don't Tell" and one more victory was won in the long march towards equality. Celebrations are being held all over the nation and in the news. Everyone is overjoyed to see this bit of institutionalized hatred bit the dust. I know it meant a great deal to my husband, who served a tour of duty under DADT during the original "Desert Storm" operation in Iraq. Jay came to accept himself as a gay man during his time in the Army and it has always been his regret that he served in the closet and ultimately left the Army because he knew their would be no place for him in it as an openly gay man. He was particularly jazzed then to be able to make his own celebration video marking the end of DADT.

And then reality punched us in the face again....another teen had killed himself due to bullying...

Fantastic Irish PSA For Marriage Equality

Check out this short Marriage Equality ad from Ireland. It is truly moving and makes me wonder why we don't make videos like these here. When marriage measures came up for votes here in California and Maine we saw only bland tv spots that seemed more intent of promoting a dumbed down and diluted image that they fult would be safe for feignt hearted American viewers rather than  showing the simple everyday faces of gay people and their families as this clip has done in such a moving say. This spot is only a minute long and yet, you are heartbroken by the end of it....I think the people who make these should come over here and make a few for us. Check it out:

Will We See A New HRC?

This morning, one of my favorite blogs, Pam's House Blend, broke the story that Joe Solmonese of the Human Rights Campaign will be resigning from his post as director of the organization. This would be the first in a series of executive staff shakeups that could change the face of the HRC as we know it. This actually comes as quite a shock to this humble blogger who has made his fair share of grumbles about the HRC and Solmonese's over-capitulation to the White House on gay issues. Time and again they have been completely unwilling to apply even the tiniest bit of pressure to affect change in an administration that on the one hand claimed to support us while the other hand was busy enforcing anti-gay policies with gusto.

 Solmonese's defense was that having a place at the negotiation table was more effective than chaining yourself to the white house fence ala Get Equal style. And yet what we saw in return for our donated dollars was HRC staff attending high profile cocktail parties at the White House where they would walk away with a fist full of promises that never came true....and the guys who chained themselves to the fences and rattled politicians cages on the news seemed to be the ones actually getting the job done. It made the HRC look weak and Solmonese like an ineffective elitist more content with rubbing elbows with the rich and powerful than actually lobbying for LGBT rights. It is little wonder that HRC's reputation has taken so many fatal hits and if Solmonese's reported resignation will be able to bring it back from the brink.

Whatever your feelings about the HRC. This recent development seems to beg the question, "Will the HRC change?" Lets explore that possibility...

Letters Of Hope

In the course of our YouTube work, My husband and I  receive many letters from LGBT people who desperately need to tell their stories to someone. Sometimes it's a Thanks for helping them to see that loving someone of the same gender and building a family is possible...sometimes its a cry for help. Very often it is both of these things, and they almost always move me to tears. It does not matter if they come from a teen in Alabama or a women in Saudi Arabia, their messages are often one and the same. Reading these emails has helped me place my own life in perspective as well as helped me understand what life is like for many LGBT people around the world...it can be an emotional ride. I have heard stories of desperation and fear as well as stories of great triumph. In the hopes of fostering understanding and making the world a better place for all of us I would like to share a few of those stories.

In beginning this blog series I intend to share these stories with you in the hopes that you too, will look outside the borders of your life with compassion and understand why the fight doesn't end with marriage rights or DOMA repeals....it's about making the world a safer place for all of us. If you take nothing else away from these blog posts....I hope its that.

And please understand.....Most of the messages I have received are from closeted individuals and those for whom anonymity is paramount. For that reason I share the story but have removed details that could identify the writer. The safety of those who write us is as important to us as it is to them. With that in mind, grab your box of tissues and please read on...

The Case Of The Lesbian Juror

Oh court drama's...I love to hate them. I never was one to have patience for Matlock or Law and Order type T.V. shows. It's doubly frustrating then, to have to wait on the courts to decide on our civil rights. It is an exercise in patience to watch them debate the merits of our lives in terms of ice cold facts and legal precedence...and then put off a decision till next year because they can't answer a procedural question. Yet, as the race for the Republican nomination is illustrating, there is no quarter given us from elected officials...our fates, it seems, depend on the courts.

Currently, there are several legal challenges to DOMA painstakingly climbing the legal ladder to the Supreme Court. If any of them make it that far, we will then be at the mercy of the residing justices. A great deal of speculation has been made concerning their individual opinions based off their personal views and the niggling detail of whether gays are considered a "suspect class". That simple designation would elevate issues like DOMA or an inclusive ENDA from the realm of partisan political whims to legally acknowledged civil rights necessities  So far...efforts to add sexual and gender identity to the other protected classes of gender, race, and religion have failed.

And then came "The case of the lesbian juror"....An odd name to be sure and the case itself seems to leave more questions than answers. however, if the story is worth it's salt, it could have extremely far reaching implications on our designation as a "suspect class" and lend tremendous gravitas to our strivings for full legal equality. Who is this mystery juror and how could her story impact the greater struggle for gay rights?...Read on to find out...

On Loving...

I'm not sure that many of us were aware that the 41rst anniversary of Loving v. Virginia, the landmark case that ruled it unconstitutional to ban interracial marriage, passed just days ago on the 12th of this month. For Mildred and Richard Loving I'm sure that day must have felt like it was a long time in coming. Authorities had broken into their home and arrested them for the crime of merely being of different races and wanting to be married to each other...the year was 1958. After being tried and convicted of breaking Virginia law...again, merely for being married. They were sentenced to 25 years in jail, a sentence that would be postponed if the Lovings agreed to leave the state and leave they did. They returned to the District of Columbia, where they had been married, and began a lawsuit that would change the face of marriage for the entire nation. It took nine long years of court battles that took the long road from state courts to the U.S. Supreme Court...but they won.

In California, everyone expected marriage equality to be a no brainer and yet it has turned into a national courtroom drama that doesn't appear to have any end in sight. Yesterday a federal court gave its decision on whether or not Judge Vaughn Walkers decision on Prop 8 should be invalidated because Judge Walker happens to be gay. In a rather sharply worded decision from Judge James Ware, that answer was "no". However, the very fact that we had to endure yet another trial about a trail (and one that again attacks the integrity of gay men and women), makes think how long the road can seem when you can't see it's end....and how nine years must have felt for Richard and Mildred Loving.

What Does Pride Month Mean To You?

When you ask someone to think of a gay pride parade...to imagine it in there mind...Chances are this is what will pop up:

It's a testament to the power of these images that even someone who has never been to a parade will have some familiarity with them. They paint a collective picture of one giant Mardi Gras-like party stocked with shirtless go-go bois on floats, Scantily clad  lesbians on loud motorcycles, Drag queens in two story tall heels, and rainbows and glitter flying everywhere.

Now...everyone will have their own opinions about what pride celebrations mean. For some, it is simply a celebration. For others it may be a mind blowing first peak at a gay life. And there are those who have criticised it as being more about selling high priced alcoholic beverages and rainbow covered swag than about promoting gay rights. Some see it as a sideshow complete with rainbow colored clowns... and we all know about the crowd that condemn it as an act of "celebrating sin" and view it as an example of "the homosexual lifestyle"...as if we run around in speedo's and balloon costumes everyday.

 Since it is Pride Month...or Gay History Month more accurately...I have been taking some time to reflect on what it all means to me. "Gay Pride" can be a phrase that has become so loaded with cliches and judgments that it can be hard to find the meaning. What does Pride Month mean  to me?

Texas Shines

Many of you may have seen this ABC "What Would You Do?" segment that aired this last week. If you haven't...then I have to say that it's about the most amazing thing I have seen in a long time and well worth watching it all the way through. In the video ABC sets up a scenario in which a Same-sex family(all played by actors) are confronted with discrimination by a very vocal homophobic waitress(also played by an actress). The intent of the program was to uncover how the average American would act when confronted by blatant homophobia and discrimination. Now...this episode being in Texas, I have to admit that I was bracing myself for the worst. Watch the video and get my reaction below the fold...

Lifeline

"It is in your weakest moments that you find your true strength" - Unknown

O.K....I'm sitting here staring at this screen trying to figure out how to put these words on the page and I am coming to the realization that I will think in circles forever and not get any closer to what I need to say....so I am going to just lay it out there and let the pieces fall were they may...

Today many people are fretting about the end of the world because of the predictions of Harold Camping. But last night we had an all to real reminder that sometimes the world does end for some of us because the world simply will not allow us to be. Last night a young man who watches our family on YouTube..and who we have been communicating with from time to time, contacted us because he was going to commit suicide. A family member had noticed that he was friends with us online and was asking questions. He was fearful that his family would find out...he was fearful that everyone in his town would find out and that his life would be in danger. So...he decided that ending everything on his own terms was a better option...so he took twenty of the first prescription meds he could lay his hands on. He contacted me right after he had taken the pills to say he was sorry and between Jay and myself, we talked for a very long time. In the end, I am very...very thankful to say that he did not die, though I know that is not the end of this young mans problems. There is still much for him to deal with.

All of this came about because of his friendship and communication with us through Facebook. This has my husband and I to wonder, if...in our desire to help others feel not so alone...we are actually placing them at a higher risk of danger through discovery. We feel this way because this scenario has played out before in slightly different ways...

Gay Marriage In New York...A Shifting Paradigm?

Marriage equality in the state of New York has been a contentious battle for a very long time. Long time readers may remember some very bitter and angry posts from me around the end of 2009. At that time, marriage had come up for a vote in the State Senate only to be defeated by a handfull of Democratic Senators who chose to vote against it. Well New York never gave up and after some bitter elections in which a great many of those Democratic Senators lost their seats, we are again coming close to the very real possibility of a favorable vote on same-sex marriage in New York...and for some surprising reasons.  Republicans are beginning to step up in support of gay marriage from some unexpected quarters....yes, you heard me, Republicans....While a certain Democrat from the Bronx continues to be very vocal opposition. It all seems a bit like falling into an alternate dimension where everything is opposite...but could this be the way things are headed?

New LGBT History Museum...Epic Win?

San Francisco has been the site of many important leaps forward in LGBT history. It was home to one of the most famous  gay enclaves in modern history, The Castro district. Many prominent gay rights activists come out of San Francisco including Harvey Milk, Del Martin and Phyllis Lyon, as well as many other pioneers of gay rights. Harvey Milk work in the gay community, his murder, and the White Night Riots that followed, helped launch an era in which gays and lesbians no longer accepted the violence and discrimination of society...and fought back. It was in San Francisco that mayor Gavin Newsom instructed the city clerks to begin issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbians, sparking the Prop 8 legal battle still raging today. The city by the bay has long history of being a gay haven and flash point for gay politics...there's alot of history here.

That's why my curiosity was piqued when I heard about a new GLBT history museum to be opened near the Castro. The museum is an undertaking of the GLBT Historical Society in San Francisco and had been in the works for a long time. From what I can gather from their website, this is a labor of love by local community members who have collected decades of materials from those who lived those events. ow...so much awesome! But not having seen it yet I am left with a few questions...

2010...The Year In Review

2010 was quite a ride. As the horizon of a new year begins to sweep its way across the globe. I thought it would be appropriate to take a look back at everything that happened this year. Funny...it never seems like that much until you begin to put it all in one place. Then the enormity of this years happenings really shines through.

 

 Paul the Psychic Octopus passed away before he could predict Jullian Assange and Bradly Manning who Wikileaked into infamy, while the BP oil spill just leaked...for three months. Haiti and Chili weathered intense earthquakes...while in the U.S Economy was ruled officially "out of recession" yet most Americans lost jobs and homes and generally sank deeper in debt. Meanwhile, the Supreme Court ruled that Corporations can be considered as "individuals" and paved the way for unparalleled political corruption. Nuclear proliferation continued in North Korea and Iran and  all the while the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan ground on.

 

Had enough? .....Thats not even the gay rights stuff yet. In the back and forth between success and failure that was the DADT repeal and the tragedies of gay suicide or the utter farce of the Rekers "Rentboy" scandal...2010 was an intense year for us all...lets take a look back...