Essay Post...Who Am I?

Hello dear readers...no, the title does not mean we are playing a guessing game so you can stop panicking now.

I have not been around very much and I have to apologize for that. As many of you may already know, I have returned to college to polish my writing skills and to finish the degree I abandoned cold turkey in my twenties. Funny thing...turns out college is a lot of hard work! Who knew right? All kidding aside, even though I have not been writing here, I have been doing a ton of writing for class...some of which my husband thinks is suitable for mass consumption here. So, to make sure I stay out of the dog house with both you and my husband...here you go...

My professor has been giving us writing assignments meant to draw out our worldview. He is beginning with topics personal to us and is working outward to topics in which we may have less of a personal stake in, but in which we will have to form an opinion and craft an argument. This first essay was us, describing who we were in 800-1200 words(Doesn't this guy know I can't say anything in less than 10,000?!!). How do you boil down who you believe you are into such a small space?...Read on to find out...

Going For The Ride...Scotus Takes Marriage Equality

As probably everyone has already heard, the United States Supreme Court finally announced which marriage equality cases it will hear and their choices where interesting ones. When the Scotus Blog yesterday finally updated that the high court had decided to take the cased of Eddie Windsor and Prop 8 I had to step back and take a double take. Really?....the Prop 8 case? Nearly everyone had expected that one to be kicked back out of hand. But there is was, in digital print staring me in the face. After months of waiting, watching federal circuit court battles...and more waiting, we finally had an answer.  Immediately the internet lit up like a storm as word spread from blog and news outlets, to facebook and beyond. I even woke to find it the headline of my local newspaper this morning. It seemed everyone was pleased with the outcome.

And to be fair...I know it's important that this happens but as I absorbed the news, more questions began to present themselves and the reality set in that this could have a major impact not only on the rights of the gay community as a whole...but also on my marriage. I began to have that feeling in my stomach that you get while cresting a hill on a rollercoaster....that slow ratcheting ascent until that awefull pause at the top before you drop. As I sit here, feeling the subtle tilt of gravity beneath me, I cant help but have a few questions and wonder where all this will end up.

Dan SavageConversations On Monogamy

A good friend sent me a video this morning that I would like to share with you all as today's topic of discussion...and being as how my last few posts have been kind of heavy I thought it would be good to take on something different and something that likely we will all have very different points of view on. The video  titled "Why Monogamy Is Ridiculous", a part of the Big Think series, and features Dan Savage offering his views on the need to rethink love and commitment away from an all or nothing stance to something more flexible and equal to both sexes. No stranger to controversy, Dan Savage says what he thinks and even though this video clip is only two minutes and forty seconds long, it is packed with enough Dan Savage goodness to light the comment section on fire....just like it has already done on YouTube.

Now, you may think you know where I am on this issue...but you may be surprised. The issue of monogamy is much more complex than it appears on the surface and touch's on issues of gender and sexual equality in addition to fidelity and so much more. So watch the video after the jump and fire up the keyboards...because I'm sure we are all going to have a lot to say.

Never Hide...What Four Years of YouTube and Fighting Prop 8 Has Taught Us

"Hello YouTube!".....thats a phrase has been uttered by my family about 345 times over four years. That is exactly how long we have been doing YouTube videos and here we are nearly four years, on the cusp of what could be a landmark Supreme Court decision regarding Prop 8...and we are still making videos. I remember being so angry during the Prop 8 campaign as commercial after commercial on TV told blatant lies about my family and my life. I couldn't believe that stuff like that was even allowed to air on television. The more I saw, the more the polls would teeter on a knifes edge and all we could do was watch as others endlessly talked about my family and my personal rights as if they were things....not the lives of real human beings seeking the same happiness as anyone else.

As those who opposed marriage equality continued to lie and fear monger, I kept hoping and waiting for the commercials to air that would set the record straight. Were were the guys who were going to call out the liars? Where was the compassion, empathy...or better yet, the truth? As our side showed living room conversations with the parents of gay people...and straight celebrities...the question ultimately became, why are they not showing us, as gay people, telling our own stories? Those commercials never came. It was our anger, and frustration with that that led us to one poorly filmed video over a dinner of chicken nuggets that has launched us onto this journey of trying to show what a gay family is...and is not.

I'd like to say that four years later, our side has taken a few notes from the failures of the Prop 8 campaign, but sadly, that doesn't seem to be the case as pro equality organisations are repeating the mistakes of the past for fear of offending people.

 But I think Britney can say it better than me. Take it away girl....

Chick-Fil-A...Hypocrisy, Following The Money, and Utterly Missing The Point

Yes this is another Chick-Fil-A post. I know that you may have already had you Fil of them(har har). It does seem that you can't swing a stick these days without being confronted by a story about CFA  on the blogs, online news outlets, television, newspapers, and twitter feeds. This one, seemingly inconsequential company has become the focus of a debate we would normally reserve for a much larger event....like the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell for instance. And yet...this obscure fast food chain has been rocketed into the limelight. Hell...I can't even type this post without the customers in my store reading over my shoulder as I type and wanting to engage me in conversation about it...that's how big this is getting. And there seems to be some confusion as to what it's all about.

With everyone and their Grandmother talking about this(literally)...I didn't think I needed to be one more voice in the din. But...The problem is that nearly everyone has it wrong. Dan Cathy and his homophobic comments have become the focus of the debate, which has become focused on free speech, free capitalism, and freedom of religion....none of which has anything to do with why Chick-Fil-A got in the hot seat to begin with.

However, I had determined not be yet another blog post....until....it all came to a head for me this morning when I saw Jon Stewart's take on the issue on The Daily Show and that became the straw that broke the camels back. And so it is my turn to set the record straight and to hopefully offer a course correction to a debate that has gone dangerously off the rails. But first, The Daily Show clip after the jump....

Finding The Forest For The Weeds

My husband loves to task me...and by "task me" I mean make sure that I have something to do and something to write about at all times. Sometimes this is a good thing, especially when I scan the news and can't find it in myself to emotionally connect with yet another wing nut spouting the same over-the-top garbage that we have all heard before. In those moments, I appreciate his ability to focus me. But some days.....oh well, I'm just gonna say it....it drives me nuts. Today was  one of these days when Jay has emotionally connected with a topic I thought long dead and yelled from across the house for me to come take a look.....Josh Weed, the Gay, married to a woman, councilor, and father of three is back in the news with a recent appearance on Nightline.

"Hey have you seen this video?", Jay says to me with excitment. "What video I ask?", wondering what in the world  could have made him so animated. Did Mitt Romney get caught toe tapping in a mens room?....Did NOM finally and permanently self-destruct?......no?   I came from the breakfast table to Jays computer to see what all the fuss was about and looked at the screen to see Josh Weed and family staring back at me with the headline Gay. Mormon, and Happily Married.  "Oh that story...I saw that weeks ago. why is that back again?"

And that simple comment was the one that opened the door to a debate that suprised me in the intensity of MY emotional reaction to it and incited a debate that still rages on in our home. but first....some background....

A House Divided

Hello everyone...Some things internet goodies have hit me from left field this week and I have something to get off my chest. these may seem like unrelated events...but bear with me..they will make sense in the end.

The first event was a comment left on our Fourth of July BBQ video in which we asked our quests what they felt were the best and worst parts of being gay. Apparently that pushed one viewer over the line causing them to leave this comment:

Dear Depfox: what responsibility do you and your smug married friends take for single-handedly destroying the LGBT Community? The whole gay bar scene is dying (dead?) because self-appointed "Gay Representatives" such as yourselves claim all gays want to be married. Gays used to be a subversive, outrageous, promiscuous culture. Now, you want us all to mimic straight couples and live conservatively in the 'burbs in white picket fences with 2.5 kids. That is not my idea of liberation...

Nice eh? But before I give my answer to MOB's question the second event that has got me all hot and bothered was a video done by my good friend Sama over on trannystargalactica. In it Sam chose to talk about supporting someone (gay, trans or otherwise)who sounds like they may be contemplating suicide and asking her viewers to give three reasons for trans people to carry on in the face of contemplating suicide. Having lost a very long time trans friend to suicide this video hit me right in the heart and I responded with a wall of text as the words poured out of me.

But what does marriage equality and suicide rates in the trans community have in common? The answer answer is simpler than most of us would think and sometimes it makes me want to scream it out loud. So...this is my rant

Presidential Evolutions

This week saw the incredible...and very long overdue...announcement that President Obama has completed his "evolution" on marriage equality and now officially and publicly supports it. Usually, when something this big happens, Jay and I like to make a YouTube video about it and rant/cheer depending on the event. However, this week didn't allow us to weigh in on the subject...so this is my opportunity to vent my thoughts and opinions on what has been dubbed an "historic" event. Yet...given the unprecedented nature of the Presidents announcement, no one can agree on whether or not this was good move on the Presidents part or a political blunder...and whats up with Joe Biden? Does his apology to the President signal that  Obama's support is less than sincere? Grab a cup-o-joe and lets talk about it.

(P.S....this is my first time blogging on the new MacBook Pro...I am a long time PC user and there is something of a learning curve for Mac products, so please bear with me.....)

Till Tuesday...The Spector of Amendment One

The absurd travesty of justice that is North Carolina's Amendment One is coming to a vote this Tuesday and all of us are watching, semi-hopeful and fingers crossed. While I have not weighed in on the subject of Amendment one, allow me to correct that this week by giving some of my thoughts on what I see as a ridiculous effort on the part of conservatives lawmakers to not only shut the door against gay marriage forever, but also nail it shut and then burn  the house down with themselves inside. I know that I am holding my breath until the vote is over this Tuesday and I thought I would take a moment to discuss the Amendment and why I think it's adoption would ultimately be North Carolina shooting itself in the foot....pull up a chair and a steaming cup of whatever you like and join me...

The Person Behind The Pundit...Maggie Gallagher

One of the reasons why my husband and I began making our videos was to put a face on the issue of marriage equality. Quite often in the debate that has swept the country it has been all too easy for those who stand against the marriages of LGBT people to demonize us and turn us into shadowy characters such that we cease to be a human being to many people and become a threat. Now...I believe that the tactic of dehumanization is an intentional one because it is so often repeated. However, sometimes I am reminded that I have begun to think about the other side in much the same way. Whether is Tony Perkins of the AFA, Rick Santorum, Brian Brown, these people become so ingrained in our consciousness for their actions against the gay community that they can become characters in their own right. In our anger and frustration we can forget that they are human beings and come to see them as purely antagonistic.


This is why a recent salon.com article about Maggie Gallagher spoke to me and I feel compelled to share it with you. Written by Mark Oppenheimer, the article goes into great detail about Maggie Gallagher's early years at Yale and more specifically about the unexpected pregnancy with her college boyfriend who ultimately left Gallagher and his child...leaving her to raise her son Patrick alone. As someone who has followed the marriage battle closely, both in my state, others, and nationally I am accustomed to seeing Maggie Gallagher and very familiar with her talking points. For me, she had become the persona she projected on television and in print. To see her in such a candid way has made me stop to reevaluate this woman who has been the face of of the anti-marriage equality movement. I had to stop and ask myself if knowing what made Maggie Gallagher into an anti-marriage equality activist changed how I felt about all she had done. And what. if anything, do I do with what I now know about her? Does it change anything?

Meeting Zach Wahls...A Glimpse Of The Future?

Well the Premier has come and gone and over all I would call the event a success! It all passed by in such a whirlwind that the time passed from when we arrived at 3:00 to when we left around midnight in no time at all. It all went by in a blur of picture taking, movie watching, and Q&A's. As nervous as I was waiting for the event...actually being there was loads better than waiting. We all had a great time...even the kids though they ran out of energy pretty fast. There's a lot that I could say about the event but I want to focus on one portion of it in particular and that was getting the chance to meet Zach Wahls.

For those who may not remember Zach stood before the Iowa House as the son of two moms and gave a heart breakingly inspirational speech that was instrumental in that states marriage equality fight. The video clip of the speech went viral not once, but twice so if you haven't seen it to know what an incredibly eloquent young man he is...go there now and check it out.

During the movie premier I not only got the chance to meet Zach but to interview him as well.....and as you will see after the jump, Zach represents something special for me as a gay dad.

Marriage Equality For Washington State and The Politics of Boycotts

In an exciting development...the Washington State Senate voted on a  bill to advance marriage equality by 28 to 21. The next step of the process being a vote in the House and then a stop by Governor Christine Gregoire's desk, who has already indicated that she would sign the bill should it make it to her desk. Prospects are looking good to see Washington as the next state to adopt full marriage equality and that would be a wonderful Valentines Day present for us all. But of course, that means that certain conservatives and fundamentalists are going into crisis mode. Already they are working to collect the 120,000+ signatures they would need to sidestep the legislature and take the matter to a referendum vote. Seriously....it's not even a law yet. Even though everyone seems to be optimistic for it's passage, it still has to clear a whole legislative body first. However that fact hasn't stopped the full on panic that has led opponents moving on a referendum and calling for boycotts on businesses like Starbucks who have publicly voiced their support for marriage equality.

Their Condemnation of companies like Starbucks seems a little hypocritical given their own history of crying foul when ever someone boycotts a business supportive of their position.But, the accusations are flying fast and furious in battleground states like Washington. Beginning the the latest, rather eyeroll inducing, press release from The National Organisation for Marriage who apparently feels that Starbucks should stay out of the fight:

The Cost Of Love...

O.K...I began this post yesterday when it was actually in the paper, but real life kept hauling me away from the computer and preventing me from switching into "blog mode". But here it goes again. While this blog is technically a "gay blog" the story I have chosen to share with all of you is not a "gay" story. Yet I felt it was a story that any LGBT person would resonate with...it is a story about sacrificing for love...and it touched my heart. So without further ado...lets give it one more try:

This morning....Yesterday I happened upon an article in my local paper that has touched my heart and I feel it is important to  share with all of you. During these holidays, we all need to be reminded that love is alive and can beat some pretty incredible odds and I think this one fits the bill. The article from The Press Democrat was about the passing of 87 year old Lillian Shizuko and her remarkable romance and marriage to John Berry. She, a Hawaiian born Japanese girl....Him a white American man...both of them find love together in a pre-World War II World. They were different races and from different cultures in a time that tolerated no blurring of the lines...what could go wrong?

Holiday Traditions: Awkward Conversations With Family

I don't know if anyone has seen the the video floating around from Maggie Gallagher and the National Organisation for Marriage?  You know...the one in which she gives tips on how to talk to your loved ones about your opposition to marriage equality over a heaping plate of turkey, cranberry, and mashed potatoes. You know, I can just imagine it now...."The Turkeys just delicious this year Margaret! Did you brine it?...oh and while we are on the subject...I think gay marriage is totally wrong and the work of homosexual activists bent on redefining a sacred institution to destroy the family....please pass the yams John.......John?....Why is your face so red?. Yams please dear.".....Holiday family get togethers can often be the site of family dust ups but anyone who goes to the dinner table with conversational ammo about their views over gay marriage?...talk about an agenda. Who knew this was something people needed pointers on?

However...Maggies psa about holiday insensitivity does bring up a topic that has long been a challenge for me personally....talking to my family about anything gay. Contrary to what I do on the internet...I am not that vocal in person and some of the hardest people I have ever had to talk to are my family. So lets go there....pass the gravy Maggie...

Fantastic Irish PSA For Marriage Equality

Check out this short Marriage Equality ad from Ireland. It is truly moving and makes me wonder why we don't make videos like these here. When marriage measures came up for votes here in California and Maine we saw only bland tv spots that seemed more intent of promoting a dumbed down and diluted image that they fult would be safe for feignt hearted American viewers rather than  showing the simple everyday faces of gay people and their families as this clip has done in such a moving say. This spot is only a minute long and yet, you are heartbroken by the end of it....I think the people who make these should come over here and make a few for us. Check it out:

New York Won Same-Sex Marriage!!!!!

Holy smoke people I am so excited I can barely contain myself. This was a cliff hanger vote that literally wound the clock down to the last second. Talk about your dramatic finishes!

The final vote was tallied at 33-29 with 32 needed to pass. This would not have happened if not for the hard work of New Yorks progressive senators and the handful of republicans who frankly shocked us all with their support. In a act of swiftness uncharacteristic of any government...Governor Cuomo has already signed the bill into law and it goes into effect in 30 days. So buy your rings, your cakes, and get your registry on because your getting married New York! Congratulations!

New York Same-Sex Marriage Vote Tonight...Watch The Livestream here!

Watch live streaming video from nysenate at livestream.com

O.K....two days of footdragging, political gamesmanship, and outright stalling, Senate leaders claim a vote will happen tonight. Tune in and lets see if they stay true to their word.

Gay Marriage In New York...A Shifting Paradigm?

Marriage equality in the state of New York has been a contentious battle for a very long time. Long time readers may remember some very bitter and angry posts from me around the end of 2009. At that time, marriage had come up for a vote in the State Senate only to be defeated by a handfull of Democratic Senators who chose to vote against it. Well New York never gave up and after some bitter elections in which a great many of those Democratic Senators lost their seats, we are again coming close to the very real possibility of a favorable vote on same-sex marriage in New York...and for some surprising reasons.  Republicans are beginning to step up in support of gay marriage from some unexpected quarters....yes, you heard me, Republicans....While a certain Democrat from the Bronx continues to be very vocal opposition. It all seems a bit like falling into an alternate dimension where everything is opposite...but could this be the way things are headed?

A Taxing Situation

It's that time of the year again when Americans across the nation receive their tax documents in the mail with all the joy of a jury summons and discover that half of them are STILL missing, Scream at their computer screens while trying to navigate clunky and down right byzantine tax prep software, and watch the calendar with mounting dread. For many of us Tax day means the annual migration  to the post office at 5 minutes before closing for the great convocation of chronic procrastinators. However, you do get them done, it is generally a pain in the keister for everyone. However...if your gay and partnered in some legal form, the government has several ingenious ways to screw us even more.  For most gay couples doing our taxes has never been simple..the Defense of Marriage Act sees to that...but this year the government has invented some new ways to drum up extra cash and again let us know that they don't regard LGBT couples as equal to our heterosexual counterparts.

so we found out when we began this years tax odyssey...

10 Years of Same-Sex Marriage In the Netherlands...Happy Anniversary!

Wow I remember when this came over the news and it sure doesn't feel like ten years ago. Man how the time flies.What is it your supposed to give at the ten year anniversary?...Gifts of tin in the old tradition and Aluminum in the modern tradition so says the intertubes. Well....we'll have to just be creative with that one I guess. However, we would like to give a hearty Congratulations to married, Dutch gay couples and to the Netherlands itself for reaching the ten year mark of allowing gays and lesbians to marry and beginning a trend that has begun to take hold around the world...however slowly. Along with the report of this fantastic milestone has also come some interesting stats on marriage in the Netherlands that help to highlight the actual rather than the imagined effects of same-sex marriage.