Toward A More Perfect Union

LGBTQI....

It is a term many of us struggle to pronounce let alone wrap our minds around what it means. Indeed, when I came out in the 90's the term was already in flux from various forms of GLB to LGB. Not long after, I learned we had added the "T" and a whole bunch of people freaked out about that. However, in spite of all their histrionics about the addition of Transgendered to the label our community wears...it stuck, and has been the (mostly) accepted lingo we have used for most of my adult gay life. Most recently, we have added Intersex and Queer/Questioning to include a spectrum of experience that transcends both sexual orientation and sexual identity. It may be hard to say, but until we invent a single word to describe the experience...it is the best we have.

While it may be an awkward term to explain to those outside our community. We have to explain what each letter means and why it is used. More often than not, their expression reads as if I had tried to explain life on another planet. However, they are not the only ones...Some who fall under it's broadly inclusive banner also struggle to understand what links us all together. For example...

In a totally bewildering exchange that took place on Americablog. John Aravosis, a writer I have respected over the years has written an article titled The End Of Gay History . A piece initially meant to speculate on the future of gay activism and orgs in the face of the victories they have achieved. The actual question asked being, "Are we at the end of gay history?" However, what actually developed by the end of the story was less about the relevancy of gay activism in the gay community...and more a wild veering off into the perceived fractures between the letters of our movement. And I used the word "perceived" for a reason. The whole thing was one massive /facepalm moment.

That this post devolved into a fight  between "gay white men" and the Transgendered community, left me bewildered and scratching my head at just what the hell any of these people were thinking. But I'm getting ahead of myself...

Among the issues that surfaced  were...Who are we as a community? What binds us together? And as we see progress on one front, how do we treat the others who aren't advancing as fast?...at least, that's the nice way of phrasing what they posed much less nicely. Pull up a chair and your favorite cup'o something and lets tackle this messy business head on...

Gay Rights..Where Are We Now?

Hello everyone....

It has been sometime since I last spoke to all of you. For reasons I will detail further on, writing had become a chore that I didn't understand why I was still doing. But I am happy to be back and I hope that this will mark a new beginning....not only for this blog...but in my life. In fact, the title of todays post offers a clue of what I want to share with you all. So without further ado...

This evening I watched the HBO adaptation of "The Normal Heart", written by HIV and gay rights activist Larry Kramer. For those unfamiliar...the subject of the drama was a retelling of the early years in which AIDS began killing young men in the new York gay community and the struggle to get an uncaring government to respond and a terrified gay community to galvanize in it's own defense. With no medical information on what was happening and why we were getting sick, half the battle was in combating fear and marching on in the face of uncertainty and the loss of friends and lovers that went on unabated. The film shows the foundation of one of the first gay organizations to respond to the AIDS crisis, Gay Mens Health Crisis, and is told from the perspective of one of it's founders Larry Kramer(renamed Ned Weeks in the film), who is often criticized for being too loud, too confrontational, too critical in his roll as an activist fighting against the tide of death all around him.

I watched this movie in tears for the most part(while developing a crush on Mark Ruffalo).....and then I lied awake most of the night thinking about it. Something in me had shifted. You see, I had stopped blogging after DOMA had been struck down because I did not see any need for what I was doing anymore. Prop 8 had launched us into the fight for gay rights, not limited to marriage equality, but when that goal seemed realized...I didn't know what I was doing anymore.

Until someone asked me an innocent question....

The Well Of Compassion...A Letter To My Husband

Dear Readers,

Todays post is actually a letter to my husband who, when we were having a conversation about helping people and getting hurt for it, asked me to put my words into blog form because he felt he hears me better when I write then when I speak. That said, even though the nature of to days post will be very personal, that doesn't mean that it is...well...private. All of us, as human beings, are challenged to open our hearts at times and finding the balance between taking risks with our hearts or choosing to protect them instead. That said...even though this blog may be personal, it is also a very human experience and I invite your opinions on the matter. So without further ado...

How We Think About Coming Out

Gay brothers and sisters,... You must come out. Come out... to your parents... I know that it is hard and will hurt them but think about how they will hurt you in the voting booth! Come out to your relatives... come out to your friends... if indeed they are your friends. Come out to your neighbors... to your fellow workers... to the people who work where you eat and shop... come out only to the people you know, and who know you. Not to anyone else. But once and for all, break down the myths, destroy the lies and distortions. For your sake. For their sake. For the sake of the youngsters who are becoming scared by the votes from Dade to Eugene      --Harvey Milk

Coming out...it is commonly considered a rite of passage for all lgbt people. We regard it as a  singular act of courage and truth telling which is said to set us free. It's sometimes it can be as large as bringing conversation at thanksgiving dinner to a screaching halt or as small as only being able towhisper the truth to yourself in a mirror. But however it's done...it always takes courage and still more to to bring that truth out to others. We know...because many of us have been there with our heart in our hands waiting for parents or friends to respond to our finding the courage to tell them about ourselves...each second of silence feeling like hours.

Many of my readers may have watched my husband Jay's opinion video of Jodie Fosters kinda coming out speech at the Golden Globes. It got so much heated and angry backlash that Jay got called all kinds to things from selfish, to a bully, to a couple of death threats. To me...the response to Jays Criticisms of Jody Foster were way out of proportion to what was actually said about her. Not that Jay was the only one to have some strong opinions about the topic...many notable and well respected voices also had some raised eyebrows including radio host and Huffington Post editor Michelangelo Signorile. Yet,  anyone who had something critical to say about Jodie Fosters speech was vilified and got the full wrath of the internet. Now...while you would expect that her fans would want to defend her...the response was so large and heated that it made me wonder if something else was behind their reactions beyond the effect of celebrity. Perhaps Jay had touched on a nerve that many of us are sensitive to...what we believe coming out is and what we impart to the person doing it?

Many of you may be tired of hearing about the whole Jodie Foster thing...and to be honest, I am too. Even though I may use Jodie as an example at times, would like to take this issue out of the realm of any one persons circumstances and take a look at the act of coming out itself....and then, if being a celebrity alters how we view it. Is coming out something so personal and intimate that no one is allowed to have opinions about it?

ENDA...Is It Time To Turn Up The Heat?

Employment non-discrimination is getting some much needed coverage this week...albeit for all the wrong reasons. President Obama is coming under fire for refusing to issue an executive order banning anyone contracting with the Federal Government from discriminating against any of their employees on the basis of sexual orientation or gender identity. To be honest, while the reports call it a "blow for advocates", I don't think anyone is surprised. If anyone feels echoes of the DADT repeal or the President's "evolution" on marriage equality that's because the same tactics and verbage are again being put in play. While this executive order would only affect the employees of government contractors, it would at least be a step in the right direction to a larger national law. Instead, the administration is claiming to put their efforts into a national ENDA policy by building a "coalition" of bipartisan support. In a recent White House response to the President's decision, Press Secretary Jay Carney articulated the Administrations viewpoint:

The President is dedicated to securing equal rights for all LGBT Americans.  And that is why he has long supported an inclusive employment non-discrimination act which would prohibit employers across the country from discriminating on the basis of sexual orientation and gender identity.  The President is committed to lasting and comprehensive non-discrimination protections, and we plan to pursue a number of strategies to attain that goal.  Our hope is these efforts will result in the passage of ENDA, the Employment Non-Discrimination Act, which is a legislative solution to LGBT employment discrimination.

And I would make the comparison here that pursuing that strategy, the passage of ENDA, is very similar to the approach the President took for the legislative repeal of “don’t ask, don’t tell.”

Does all this sound familiar to you too? With the repeal of DADT, the President had it within his power to issue and executive order and instead, opted to build a similar bipartisan coalition and came under all the same criticism. But there's a problem with the Administrations version of events surrounding the repeal of DADT that may be key to understanding our role in helping pass ENDA and ensuring workplace protections for all LGBT Americans....and that is the role of outside pressure.

Meeting Zach Wahls...A Glimpse Of The Future?

Well the Premier has come and gone and over all I would call the event a success! It all passed by in such a whirlwind that the time passed from when we arrived at 3:00 to when we left around midnight in no time at all. It all went by in a blur of picture taking, movie watching, and Q&A's. As nervous as I was waiting for the event...actually being there was loads better than waiting. We all had a great time...even the kids though they ran out of energy pretty fast. There's a lot that I could say about the event but I want to focus on one portion of it in particular and that was getting the chance to meet Zach Wahls.

For those who may not remember Zach stood before the Iowa House as the son of two moms and gave a heart breakingly inspirational speech that was instrumental in that states marriage equality fight. The video clip of the speech went viral not once, but twice so if you haven't seen it to know what an incredibly eloquent young man he is...go there now and check it out.

During the movie premier I not only got the chance to meet Zach but to interview him as well.....and as you will see after the jump, Zach represents something special for me as a gay dad.

Today Is The Day!

The Premier of Right To Love: An American Family is finally here! After three years of waiting...and some herculean patience on the part of our viewers....the movie is finally being shown outside of the circle of friends/family/and those who worked on the film. So the heat is on now.

I have to admit that I am excited and nervous as hell. There is going to be a whole lot of People at this event and even though I have seen the movie and personally love it....it still feels like there is a lot riding on tonight. A premiere is like launching a ship for the first time and I want this movie to get off to a good start....so I can't be shy, reclusive, bookworm  Bryan tonight. It's time to start the music...it's time to light the lights. Oh wait...that's the Muppet Show.....Dam. But maybe if I just keep humming that song I won't hyperventilate, have a panic attack, throw up, or all three...

The evening will be a lot of fun with the hilarious TJ Kelso roasting us beforehand, getting a chance to hang out at the after party after the movie, The chance to meet and shake hands with Zach Wahls( so cute *sigh*) and just having a great night in the city...and all of it on the eve of the decision on Prop 8 tomorrow by the Ninth Circuit.

If your in the Bay Area and want to attend the movie, stop by Brown Paper Tickets online at:

http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/221824

I hope to see all of you at a showing near you soon And....

Until next time dear readers....

The Trouble With Quibbles or...Why We Put Our Kids On The Net

Welcome back everyone...I know my blogging has been sporadic lately. Daily life seems to be getting in the way putting pen to paper....or at least keystrokes to net. However, that does not mean that our lives have been uneventful. This week we had Halloween, my 39th birthday, and a great right up about "The Right To Love: An American Family" In the Huffington Post. That's all big stuff! Being an amateur blogger I was thrilled to find the movie being covered by such a large and well read publication...and to receive a positive review for the movie was even better. I want to say thank you to Frank Schaeffer, the author of the piece for giving his truthful and candid observations about the movie and also about our family.


I also want to address a "quibble" Mr. Schaeffer had with us as parents exposing our children to protests and the glare of public scrutiny. It's not the first time we have heard that point make and  I feel it is important enough point that it requires a response. Our kids are very important to us and our decision to include them in our YouTube work was not simple. It was however, an organic process and not a preplanned set of events.....but I will explain that further in a sec. Read on after the fold.....

Altering The Deal

There is a time when you hear someone spout complete bullsh*t and you know you have to let it go because they will more than likely get caught up in the web of their own lies and the rest of the world will know it....and there are times when you have to call bullsh*t for what it is. John McCain has crossed that line for me to stand besides the likes of Maggie Gallagher in a pantheon of willful truth benders and outright liars.

Recently on one of his many appearances on "Meet The Press", Senator McCain decided to change the rules and conditions for a Don't Ask Don't Tell repeal...again. This time instead of deferring to military leadership or congress...his third attempt at game changing was the independent study he helped initiate to determine the possible effects of a repeal on combat readiness and troop moral. Well guess what?....Since the results of that study have been leaked, with the majority of responding soldiers stating they couldn't care less if gays serve openly in the military. Senator McCain's response?....I want another study. I think not Senator McCain.

Video of the Senators appearance on "Meet The Press" and my response after the fold

When Is it Enough?

Yesterday My husband and I got a letter in the mail that reminded us that we live in a country that holds our relationship in contempt. It was a letter notifying us that as a same-sex couple, our health benefits were considered taxable income...

"Whats the big deal?", you might ask. "This has been going on forever." Well, the big deal is that in the same notice comes the bald admission that this tax does not apply to opposite sex couples. The explanatory pamphlet from health Service System of San Francisco puts it like this....if you can sift through the legalese: (emphasis mine)

Health coverage for you domestic partner, same sex spouse, and any children of that partner or spouse through a Health Service System (HSS) plan is typically a taxable benefit. Because the federal government does not recognize domestic partnership or same sex marriage for tax purposes, employer contributions to health premiums for an employee or retiree's domestic partner, and children of a domestic partner or same sex spouse, are treated as taxable(imputed) income. Moreover, employee premium contributions are taken post-tax. By comparison,  if an employee or retiree is married to a member of the opposite sex, no taxable imputed income results from and employer's contributions to an opposite sex spouse's health premium costs. Also, employee premium contributions for an opposite sex spouse are paid pre-tax.

There you have it in black and white...or in this case, full color glossy....If we were a heterosexual couple we would not be taxed on our health care benefits. Now, the point of this pamphlet was to make us aware of a tax break the federal government makes available to "qualifying relatives"...which includes domestic partners and same sex spouses, as a way to offset this gays only tax. That said...

let the my rant begin...

Finding hope

O.K. dear readers...its been another busy day with dentist appointments and haircuts so I find myself blogging really late (1 p.m....late for me...later for you).

Reading around the blogospere this afternoon I found an article at The Bilerico Project that resonated with a feeling I have had lately. The article points to a fatigue in the fight for marriage equality. And the comments made against it, shock me. Advocates for marriage equality are facing a protracted battle over those rights and quite often we have to not only work hard against those who are anti-gay, but we also get smack for trying to raise unified support within the gay community as well...

In Like A Lion....Out Like A Lambert

Most of you know of our view when it comes to gays with large audiences not using their influence to help advance the struggle for gay rights. We Called out Ellen and gay YouTubers for not standing up for gay issues when it really counts. And now, to perfectly highlight this issue, along comes Adam Lambert.

For those who haven't been knee deep in gay blogs all month, Adam Lambert has recently been in conflict with OUT Magazine. Follow the saga with me..

Fight The Good Fight With.....Talk?

The fight is full on people and we are in count down mode in three states over ballot initiatives that range from marriage equality to fair housing in Kalamazoo Michigan. Everyone is putting out the call to do what you can to contribute to these campaigns. I would like to add that what happens in these campaigns will likely effect California's rebid for gay marriage in 2010, hopefully before they modify our constitution....but that's another topic altogether.

Of all the things that we can do, the most effect thing is just simple conversation. You would think, that in this day and age, EVERYONE would know about the struggle for marriage equality...but sadly this is not true. Many people have no one to talk to about it so that leaves them at the mercy of their church or to conflicting t.v. ads.

NEM...And An Introverts Experience In Activism

Tomorrow morning we board the plane to Washington D.C. and I am both excited and nervous. Nervous because I hate flying and excited because, we are about to walk into the largest gathering of gay men and women in recent history...