Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Finding hope

O.K. dear readers...its been another busy day with dentist appointments and haircuts so I find myself blogging really late (1 p.m....late for me...later for you).

Reading around the blogospere this afternoon I found an article at The Bilerico Project that resonated with a feeling I have had lately. The article points to a fatigue in the fight for marriage equality. And the comments made against it, shock me. Advocates for marriage equality are facing a protracted battle over those rights and quite often we have to not only work hard against those who are anti-gay, but we also get smack for trying to raise unified support within the gay community as well...

Marriage...its not for everyone. Even within the straight community there are plenty of people that never want to get married or raise children. So it is with the gay community, there are many who have no desire to marry and more who feel that raising children is not a lifestyle choice they would make. There is no judgement attached to this statement...its just a fact.

There are alot of reasons for someone to make that choice. A few are: some people just don't feel the need for a piece of paper to legitimize their relationships, others out right reject marriage as an attempt to copy a heterosexual institution, some consider it a distraction from larger issues, And still others may find themselves not at a point in life where its even an option.

I can speak only for myself...because in my calls for those with big voices to speak out, I think I have done so in a slightly misdirected manner. I don't think the struggle for marriage equality is meant to shame or pressure anyone into thinking they have to get married to help fight for it....or even just to support those that are fighting for it with some kind words. Instead, marriage advocates have, of late, been accused of hijacking the gay rights movement and distracting it from what many feel are more pressing issues like ENDA and a DADT repeal...and at worst, we have been accused of being a kind of Uncle Tom.

Personally, I don't see the conflict. You don't even have to care about marriage. It is possible to support the differing fronts of the gay rights movement even though they dont directly affect you right now. One day these issues may touch your life in very personal ways. Also, you don't have to be a sign waving firebrand. We don't have to pick one thing to support. Issues like marriage equality, ENDA, DADT, AIDS research, Transgendered rights, gay adoption, equal housing and employment, etc all have one commonality... They dovetail together under the larger theme that GLBTQ people are U.S. citizens just like everyone else, and entitled to the same rights and protections of their heterosexual counterparts...which is basically the ability to live the life you chose without fear. Fighting for marriage equality includes fighting for the ability not to get married. You can live how you chose...make the choice to make a long held dream of marriage come true...or to walk away from all traditional mores.

I hear comments like, "their is no gay marriage. There is only marriage"... "Why should my sexuality be an issue". Both of these are a perfect world...but we don't yet live in that world. The reality is, that we are still in the process of making that world, one day at a time. Until then, we are still treated differently because of our sexuality, and pretending it isn't an issue wont make that go away. It won't stop the heartbreak of losing all rights to your loved ones legacy if they die, It won't stop anti-gay activists progress to eventually turn gays back into criminals, It won't stop your boss from firing you because you are gay, nor will it bring justice if you, or someone you love, are killed for being merely percieved as gay. Sexuality is an issue and we must confront that honestly and unabashedly until the day when it really is no longer a motivation for discrimination or hate crimes.

Anyway,.. I have been down lately because of some of the things I see and read.

Its seems we are more able to draw lines between each other then to erase them and that has me down.

For people like Adam Lambert or Ellen or anyone else that we called out for not using their voices to help the gay community. I am not asking that you become activists...or ascribe to the life that I live...I am asking for help...We are asking for help. From those who have the power to move people in such wonderful and powerful ways. Live your life how you chose...I wont judge don't judge me. But maybe we can all help each other get to the day when our sexuality really doesn't matter.

until then...we will keep doing all we can. Not only for marriage equality, but for every issue and campaign that helps bring us to that day, when we reach that day of full equality...till then, this is my theme song...


  1. mmm, Look, i´m not totally cool with this " calling out" thing, but yeah i get it, big time, and I agree with you I´m just not that confortable.

    But I have to say, for us as a comunity to win something, first we have to be a comunity, there is SO much fighting in the inside that is difficult to even say a speech withouth any backlash from other gay group.

    A( In other news, i really want to shoot adal lambert in the face ^^)

  2. The one thing that annoys me more than anything else in the multiverse are homophobic gay guys. The people that say things like "I don't believe in gay marriage, I just don't think gay people can commit to one person" or " I don't believe in gay adoption, gay relationships aren't stable enough". I feel like saying "Just because you have the emotional capacity of a 13 year old and a backside like a bloodhound's mouth doesn't mean we all do".

    The trouble is a lot of people attain their sense of self from other people they see around them and what society tells them, and gay people don't see much good. You just have to have a bit of drive and imagination, but not everyone does.


    The trouble is that gay people are not really a community. We don't come from gay families who went to gay community centres. We didn't sit on our gay granddad's knee while he told us how much worse stuff was back when he was a lad.

    Jake and I don't even have any gay friends really. This blog is the gayest place I visit. We are just members of all different communities that those communities decided not to like.

    The community as it is is made of of the people in that phase of their life where they want to go out to clubs and get laid. These are young guys or guys who have just come out mostly. These people are in an adolescent hormone bath and aren't going to give much of a shit about anything beyond their ball sacks.

    Once the hormones subside and they start settling down they vanish off the raydar.

  3. Arg what is going on! I just made a post on here and it didn't show up (even though the counter says there are two comments). Curse you Omnissiah! I will try to recreate.

    Nothing annoys me more than homophobic gay people. The people who say things like "I don't believe in gay marriage because gay people can't commit" or "I don't believe in gay adoption because gay relationships are too unstable".

    I feel like saying to these people "Just because you have the emotional maturity of a 13 year old and a backside like a bloodhound's mouth doesn't mean we all do".

    The trouble is that some people get their sense of identity from what they see around them, and gay people see a lot of old shit. It just takes a bit of imagination and drive to ignore what the world tried to tell you about yourself but some people don't manage it.


    The trouble is that gay people are not really a community. We aren't born into gay families and gay traditions. Our gay granddad didn't sit us on his knee to tell us what being gay was like back in his day.

    Jake and I don't even really have any gay friends! This is the gayest place I come to :D

    The thing that the media often mistakes as the gay community is the night scene. This is mostly populated by the young, the damages or the recently come out. Most of these people are swimming in hormone soup.

    When they shag themselves out and settle down they drop off the radar again.

  4. Oh great, now my other post shows up!

    I blame you for this Bryan!

    At least now people will be able to see if I change my mind in the 10 minutes between postings.

  5. Sometimes it feels like I'm the only gay man that has a 12-year-old girl living inside him... a girl that has been dreaming about a big beautiful wedding since she was, well, 12... Because I have, I have been dreaming about a wedding with a prince who would sweep me off my feet and would carry me on his strong hands to the Happily Ever After. I mean, come on! Am I the only romantic one? Am I the only gay man who always wanted something like this, who wanted to believe in fairy tales?

    I know, life is not a dream, or fantasy, or fairy tale... in real life people get hurt, heartbroken, screwed over and whatnot. And finally, after everything, they give up their dreams and wishes just for something stable, for Mr. Good Enough...

    I'm not there yet, I can't settle for someone "good enough," but not "the one." I've seen people settling for less they wanted to, most of the time it didn't end well, like most of marriages.

    I know squat about relationships and people trying to get used to each other's shortcomings. But I know that if you settle for less and you feel like you're giving up your dream, you're actually giving up your happiness, something that may come along one beautiful day. Chances are it won't happen at all. Chances are most of us will never find "the one." Chances are most of us will settle for Mr. Good Enough just not to be alone.

    Arghhhh. What am I blabbing about anyway? Somebody shoot me, put me out of my misery!

  6. @K!r!lleXXI

    You aren't the only one, of course not. When I was a kid a always assumed that I would marry a guy have raise children because that was what a wanted to do.

    When I was a teenager I used to yearn after other boys I liked.

    As for settling and over anayising. When the right person comes along and the time is right you don't really think about it.

    I firmly believe that people only find someone when they stop looking too hard.

  7. @orangegoblin82
    You're absolutely right!
    If you're looking for someone you won't find one. It's pretty much like when you're looking for your keys and can't find them, the more you need to find them quickly, the bigger chances you won't find them. Lame metaphor, but it works.


    And about not thinking at all of that stuff when you meet someone... Gosh, you just reminded me of my first crush. There was this very cute guy I used to have classes together. I didn't even realize I had a crush on him, big time. I can't believe I was so blind that I couldn't figure this out. I didn't think he can be gay, so we were just friends. Under no circumstances I was going after a straight guy. Now, looking back, I'm pretty sure he was gay (my gaydar wasn't calibrated properly back then).

    Unfortunately, he's from a military family, and here, in Russia, it's the worst thing ever ("military" doesn't mix with "homos").
    One day I invited him over to my place, but at the last moment he bailed on me, said he had to go home. If he were straight, he won't mind two guys hanging out. Magical thinking?
    There were lots of little things pointing out that he could be gay. God, I was so blind! He was so shy around girls, I thought it's adorable that he had a hard time connecting with them (even I was much more relaxed around girls, though, now it's clear the reason is I wasn't attracted to them). But he was way too shy for a guy that cute. Waaaay too shy! He never had a girlfriend, he never spoke about having one... I guess, he decided to change himself and be "normal," get married, have kids and never, ever be anything but straight "normal" guy, just like everyone else.

    Every time I looked back at him alone at his desk in the classroom, I saw him studying a book or doodling on a piece of paper. He was burying himself in books, trying to look serious & busy with formulas & theorems... hiding his "perversion." Poor guy! If only I wasn't blinded by his beauty, if only I said something, if only I helped him cope with this secret that we both were carrying around! Oh, I was an idiot!
    S., if you ever read this, no idea why would you, but if you do... know that I'm not over you, I'm SOOOO not over you!

    What is wrong with me today? I gotta turn my PC off and go for a walk or something, and stop typing this shit. It's just one of those days... Damn you, orangegoblin82, why did you have to remind me of him? :|

  8. @K!r!lleXXI

    wow...lexxi you have touched me whether or not you intended to. reading that was like reading a romance novel...i let out a big sigh at the That was wonderfull and made all the better for being so personal....thank you..

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  12. kirillexx, that was a beautiful story by you, and you are a very good writer. Thanks for sharing that of you. Summer x

  13. Thank you, Summer.
    It was very nice of you to take time to read my story and to comment on it.

  14. @K!r!leXXI

    I only just noticed your posts, I need some auto notification thing.

    I am sure you will find someone to love one day, if you are open to it it can happen :D

  15. Thank you, Craig, too!
    I'm beginning to realize that anything is possible, you just have to believe and open your mind & your heart for something new & exciting. And real experiences of real people like you really help to have faith! Thank you for that!