Bullying and Healing Old Wounds

For most of my posts I like to have a news item or event on which to base my writing from...heaven knows there are plenty of things in the news to be grist for the mill. The developments within the Catholic Church alone could keep us talking for days. But...for some reason my mind keeps coming back around to bullying. No...it's not some special anti-bullying holiday, nor has some terrible example of peer abuse popped up in the news today. It's just on my mind lately because, like many of us, I went through it. Bullying dominated my life and made me hate and fear school from elementary into high school. School was the hell were I was tortured and telling adults did nothing to fix it....then. Since there was no help for what was happening to me there was little to do about it but find ways to survive and that's what I did....

There is the assumption that time heals all wounds and that after awhile past trauma's should not hurt us anymore. I guess it's true given enough time passes. But as I am sitting here sipping my coffee as a 40 year old adult far removed from the days I was bullied, I am wondering what the long term effect of those years was on who I am today. Bullying...especially intense and sustained bullying...leaves it's mark on a person. It's like scar tissue, it may not be as crippling as when it was new, but it never really goes away completely. If I want to, I can remember the faces and events of what happened with more clarity than I can remember some birthdays or Christmas's. because of those days of constant fear, I have an instictive need to avoid conflict...even watching it on t.v. can trigger anxiety feelings in me. And worst of all is the damage that is done to our self-esteem. It has taken me years to begin to believe that I have a right to consider myself as good as the person next to me...or to speak up for myself at all. I literally lost all sense of a healthy ego. Now, even 30 years later I still struggle with this.

I know that some of what I write here may be embarrassing for me to admit in such a public forum....but it happened. It may be uncomfortable for some to read but this post is my place to work it out and hopefully find wisdom....either in just telling the tale, or in hearing from others. So my question today is....how does being bullied affect us as grown ups? If we can get through those days, does that which does not kill us really make us stronger...or just stranger?

A House Divided

Hello everyone...Some things internet goodies have hit me from left field this week and I have something to get off my chest. these may seem like unrelated events...but bear with me..they will make sense in the end.

The first event was a comment left on our Fourth of July BBQ video in which we asked our quests what they felt were the best and worst parts of being gay. Apparently that pushed one viewer over the line causing them to leave this comment:

Dear Depfox: what responsibility do you and your smug married friends take for single-handedly destroying the LGBT Community? The whole gay bar scene is dying (dead?) because self-appointed "Gay Representatives" such as yourselves claim all gays want to be married. Gays used to be a subversive, outrageous, promiscuous culture. Now, you want us all to mimic straight couples and live conservatively in the 'burbs in white picket fences with 2.5 kids. That is not my idea of liberation...

Nice eh? But before I give my answer to MOB's question the second event that has got me all hot and bothered was a video done by my good friend Sama over on trannystargalactica. In it Sam chose to talk about supporting someone (gay, trans or otherwise)who sounds like they may be contemplating suicide and asking her viewers to give three reasons for trans people to carry on in the face of contemplating suicide. Having lost a very long time trans friend to suicide this video hit me right in the heart and I responded with a wall of text as the words poured out of me.

But what does marriage equality and suicide rates in the trans community have in common? The answer answer is simpler than most of us would think and sometimes it makes me want to scream it out loud. So...this is my rant

Testimony...The San Francisco Gay Men's Chorus

"And when I die....When it's my time to go....I want to come back......as me"

Well The San Francisco Gay Men's Chorus has gone and done it again...they have gone and made something so beautiful it made me cry dammit. Thanks a lot guys. I was wondering this morning what to write about for Easter when I stumbled upon their video for the making of "Testimony". The song is a collaboration project with Broadway producer Stephen Schwartz and can best be described as a musical interpretation of the "It Gets Better Project"....and most especially of the deep feelings behind what made that project necessary. While I have often wondered if the It Gets Better Project was reaching those who most need to hear it, I have never doubted the ability of honestly sharing our stories to make a positive difference in someone else's life. After all, it is one thing to intellectually realize that you are not the only one...it is something else to experience that reality in the shared experience of others. There was a time in my life when I could not imagine saying the words of the song above. That is why hearing 250 beautiful voices singing the way I felt almost twenty years ago reduced me to tears and had me singing along with them. Check out the video and join in the conversation to share your experiences with us.

Bully....Rated "R" For Realness

Bullying has been a much talked about topic these days and as a person who was bullied to an extreme, I am very glad to see this come about. There has always been a tendency for parents and educators to take the stance that there is not much that can be done and "boys will be boys" even in the face of circumstances that lead to another suicide. It is important that when kids ask for help that we listen because sometimes no one else is. And so we do our best to let kids know that they are not alone in the hopes that even if the world around them never changes...they can find the strength to survive it.

In the face of what seems to me to be such an obvious need, it was with great anger that I read that the Motion Picture Association of America recently handed an "R" rating to a documentary meant to bring awareness to the subject by showing the brutal realness of it. BULLY...is a documentary by Harvey Weinstein and it shows in clear fashion  that bullying goes far beyond name calling into the realm of violence and trauma...as well as showing the astounding level of denial many will go through to pretend it doesn't exist. What makes me angry is that giving a movie such as this an "R" rating puts it right out the hands of those who might need to see it most and it makes this topic seem like something inappropriate for children, even though they may be living the reality of this issue everyday. Check out the trailer after the jump and you be the judge...

When Your Child Comes Out

Last night I had the opportunity to attend a class put on by our adoption agency on building a healthy identity. It's subject matter was to discuss the ways in which we traditionally define masculine and feminine and what do you do when a child you may be fostering...or in the process of adopting...does not fall within those lines. We talked a great deal about coming out as gay or transgendered and the difficulties that come with first admitting to yourself that you may be gay, bi, trans, or unable to apply any label to ourselves that feels right at all. And once that self discovery is made, how incredibly hard it can be to tell a parent. hell...some of us know about ourselves early on and we still can't tell our folks until we are in our twenties, thirties, or older.

The instructor who gave the class offered it from the perspective of a mother with a transgendered child. And yet...even with that knowledge I walked into that room expecting to have to fill in some blanks for people....and it was me that got schooled instead. We watched a short movie about gender issues and when it was over, the time came for questions and discussion. "Here we go", I thought. And then....one by one the other foster and adoptive parents began raising hands to tell their own stories and offer their own remarks. Nearly to a person, the entire room echoed with accounts of acceptance.....and it blew me away. 

why should it surprise me so much? Well...When I came out to my parents it ended up being a mixed bag of acceptance and rejection and everyday I talk with young gay people who's stories are not always happy endings. I had expected a lot more questions and some resistance...it was a little bit of a happy shock to find so much love in the room.

but as these things do....it got my wheels spinning and I thought maybe there are some parents out there who might benifit a little from the things we discussed and who might have questions of their own. Understanding some of what motivates your child to stand before you and say, "I'm gay." with fear and hope in their eyes may...at the very least help help both parent and child navigate these uncharted waters with more grace.....at most it can save a life. So what is going on in our kids heads? Do they understand the full impact of what this decision will mean for them?....and how the hell do I respond to this? I love my kid...but....how do I deal with this?

Where Do We Stand?....Tragedy and Triumph

Yesterday saw the end of "Don't Ask Don't Tell" and one more victory was won in the long march towards equality. Celebrations are being held all over the nation and in the news. Everyone is overjoyed to see this bit of institutionalized hatred bit the dust. I know it meant a great deal to my husband, who served a tour of duty under DADT during the original "Desert Storm" operation in Iraq. Jay came to accept himself as a gay man during his time in the Army and it has always been his regret that he served in the closet and ultimately left the Army because he knew their would be no place for him in it as an openly gay man. He was particularly jazzed then to be able to make his own celebration video marking the end of DADT.

And then reality punched us in the face again....another teen had killed himself due to bullying...

Its only words...

When you hear the terms "No homo" and "That's so gay", whats your emotional response? If your of a certain age, these terms are relatively new and maybe they don't resonate with you so much. At least, not to the same degree as words like fag or queer can. Words have such a curious power to illicit an emotional response from us but they only carry the meaning that we give them...or do they?

This weekend my husband Jay made a video about what he perceives to be homophobic actions on the part of a huge YouTube channel, The ShayCarls. Among the points brought up in that video were their use of the "terms "no homo" and "that's gay". Now...it is not my intention to make this post about the video or the ShayCarls. What I want to address were how many people vehemently defended their use of "no homo" and "that's gay". I was absolutely blown away by the amount of people...gay people even...who said they could care less about it....even from a guy who says he didn't want his kid to "turn out gay".

I do not like the phrase "that's gay"...at all. However, I was on the fence about "no homo" because it just sounds so stupid and makes the speaker look like an idiot. For that reason I tend to ignore stuff like this because it just showcases that persons lack of understanding about others. That is until Jay brought up some very good points that have forced me to reevaluate these seemingly casual words....

Lifeline

"It is in your weakest moments that you find your true strength" - Unknown

O.K....I'm sitting here staring at this screen trying to figure out how to put these words on the page and I am coming to the realization that I will think in circles forever and not get any closer to what I need to say....so I am going to just lay it out there and let the pieces fall were they may...

Today many people are fretting about the end of the world because of the predictions of Harold Camping. But last night we had an all to real reminder that sometimes the world does end for some of us because the world simply will not allow us to be. Last night a young man who watches our family on YouTube..and who we have been communicating with from time to time, contacted us because he was going to commit suicide. A family member had noticed that he was friends with us online and was asking questions. He was fearful that his family would find out...he was fearful that everyone in his town would find out and that his life would be in danger. So...he decided that ending everything on his own terms was a better option...so he took twenty of the first prescription meds he could lay his hands on. He contacted me right after he had taken the pills to say he was sorry and between Jay and myself, we talked for a very long time. In the end, I am very...very thankful to say that he did not die, though I know that is not the end of this young mans problems. There is still much for him to deal with.

All of this came about because of his friendship and communication with us through Facebook. This has my husband and I to wonder, if...in our desire to help others feel not so alone...we are actually placing them at a higher risk of danger through discovery. We feel this way because this scenario has played out before in slightly different ways...

National Day Of Silence...2011

It Gets Better...My Love Letter To Anyone Coming out

Hello Everyone.

September has been a month of tragedies. It seems that each passing day brought another report of a young man who had taken his own life because of bullying and the homophobic actions of others. To me, this month has felt like one long funeral. Among those we lost were:

Justin Aaberg- 15 years old...Anoka, Minnesota
Billy Lucas- 15 years old...Greensburg, Indiana
Asher Brown- 13 years old...Harris, Texas
Seth Walsh- 13 years old...Tehachapi, California
Tyler Clementi- 18 years old...Ridgewood, New Jersey
Raymond Chase- 19 years old...Providence, Rhode Island

Even though this may seem like alot to some, what I can't help but think when I see this list is how many more gay teens committed suicide who we may never hear about...perhaps because they didn't want anyone to know or because their families hid the information. There's always a reason. Only one thing is for sure...the young men above are the short list of those who fell to Loneliness and the intimidation of others.

In response to the wave of deaths and hoping to foster the survival of gay teens, Dan Savage and his partner began the awesome "It Gets Better Project", a Youtube page in which those of us who made it past those years of loneliness and isolation share how our lives have changed....that it does get better in just a couple of short years. To date, the project has collected nearly 120 testimonies...including Jays and mine.

I left the experience of making that video feeling like I had so much more to say. So, I'm writing today's post as a letter to gay teens who are feeling that suicide is the only way to end that sense of shame and isolation....also to those of us coming out later in life...and also to my 18 year old self. Please read on...

Gay Youth...Too Many Lights Gone Out

To be Young and know that you are gay is to live in an emotional pressure cooker....Everywhere around you, your friends are pairing off into couples and making their first discoveries about love..and yes, sometimes sex. But, for gay teens life is so much more complicated. You may know the truth about yourself and want to fight it with every fiber of your being. Alternatively, But, if you can accept that you're gay doesn't mean that your friends or family will....leaving you alone with the feeling that their is something about you that sets you irrevocably apart from everyone you love.

Moving beyond issues of self identity, their is the longing to experience the first steps into love and relationship that you see taking place all around you in your peers. If you don't date the opposite sex to divert suspicion, then you face the invasive questions and bullying of other teens. Even if you could date someone you wanted to, how do you find someone when everyone is living in stealth too?  Especially if you live outside of an urban area. Its a tremendous emotional load to bare...especially for those who don't have the support of their families and friends.

Some kids do push back. The news occasionally brings us stories of teen taking their dates to prom and exceptional examples of courage like Constance McMillan banned from her high school prom for wanting to bring a same sex date, Ceara Sturgis banned from her high school year book for appearing in a tuxedo , or Derrick Martin who fought to be able to bring a same-sex date to his prom. These are kids who fought back and won...though most also paid a heavy price in losing the support of their family or friends.

But sometimes the pressures can be too great and a large number of gay teens simply don't make it to see a day when they can build the life of their choosing. Today brought us two more...

Remembering A Friend

Today these keys fail me...my heart fails me to find the words struggling to get out.


This morning I woke up to Jay telling me that he had bad news. My friend Dave...who earlier last year had come out to me as transgendered...had commited suicide. Dave was like my brother. All I am left with right now are memories and a wondering why.

Live To Tell

"I have a tale to tell...

Sometimes it gets so hard to hide it well...I was not ready for the fall....too blind to see the writing on the wall..

A man can tell a thousand lies ...I learned my lesson well...hope I live to tell the secret I have learned...till then...it will burn inside of me...."

These were the words playing over the radio one night, 22 years ago as a young man steps out of his truck, leaving the door open. He leaves headlights on and the radio playing and steps out into the rain. As the song sings on he climbs over the railing of a rural bridge on a dark and stormy night. The river below was flooded and the dark water itself churned and raged containing its own hidden dangers below the surface. This dark and lonely place is where he has chosen to end the pain of what has been his life....to end the pain of knowing he is gay. This is the place he has chosen to die....