Foster Diaries...Another Chapter Closes

This week has been an eventful one for our family. It has seen me reveal my OCD to our YouTube audience(something which scared the hell out of me) and we had the good fortune to reunite another family, ending a year long foster placement that was originally only meant to last 2-3 months. It sort of felt like Gilligan's Island...a three hour tour that turned into something much, much longer. However...looking back over the last year has taught me that even when things were at their most challenging and at times I really...really wanted to tear my hair out, we all were learning and growing together in ways I couldn't recognize at the time. It's only now that "H" and his little sister "D" are home with their parents that I can look back at the last year and realize the good things that we gave to each other..and sometimes the ride has been a rough one.

Foster Diaries: The Return of Baby Boy

Well dear readers, it seems that life is bringing me full circle again. Many of you may also watch us on YouTube, and if so...you know that there is a new addition coming to our home. Way back in February of this year I  blogged about a little boy who was placed with us that I had dubbed "baby boy" since we can not put him in print or video. On the first day he came to be with us he had two ear infections and a whole lot of fear and neglect issues and so he cried every night....for hours. At that time, it made me wonder whether I had the chops to handle being a foster parent. But as time went on, his medical issues cleared up and became the cutest little baby I ever could have imagined. Sadly though, the time came when social services found a family member willing to care for Baby Boy while his mom could go through drug treatment and the family reunification process. We were sad...but we also knew that this would be a part of emergency foster care and we thought it was good that he would be with family......And so Baby Boy left our home to whatever the future would hold for him. All of us shed a few tears as we said our good buys.

Except....that the future that he went to wasn't as bright as we had hoped and it seems that Baby Boy is returning to our home today....

When Your Child Comes Out

Last night I had the opportunity to attend a class put on by our adoption agency on building a healthy identity. It's subject matter was to discuss the ways in which we traditionally define masculine and feminine and what do you do when a child you may be fostering...or in the process of adopting...does not fall within those lines. We talked a great deal about coming out as gay or transgendered and the difficulties that come with first admitting to yourself that you may be gay, bi, trans, or unable to apply any label to ourselves that feels right at all. And once that self discovery is made, how incredibly hard it can be to tell a parent. hell...some of us know about ourselves early on and we still can't tell our folks until we are in our twenties, thirties, or older.

The instructor who gave the class offered it from the perspective of a mother with a transgendered child. And yet...even with that knowledge I walked into that room expecting to have to fill in some blanks for people....and it was me that got schooled instead. We watched a short movie about gender issues and when it was over, the time came for questions and discussion. "Here we go", I thought. And then....one by one the other foster and adoptive parents began raising hands to tell their own stories and offer their own remarks. Nearly to a person, the entire room echoed with accounts of acceptance.....and it blew me away. 

why should it surprise me so much? Well...When I came out to my parents it ended up being a mixed bag of acceptance and rejection and everyday I talk with young gay people who's stories are not always happy endings. I had expected a lot more questions and some resistance...it was a little bit of a happy shock to find so much love in the room.

but as these things do....it got my wheels spinning and I thought maybe there are some parents out there who might benifit a little from the things we discussed and who might have questions of their own. Understanding some of what motivates your child to stand before you and say, "I'm gay." with fear and hope in their eyes may...at the very least help help both parent and child navigate these uncharted waters with more grace.....at most it can save a life. So what is going on in our kids heads? Do they understand the full impact of what this decision will mean for them?....and how the hell do I respond to this? I love my kid...but....how do I deal with this?

Foster Diaries....Echoes of the past

Well dear readers...due to issues with blogger I was not going to post today but sometimes things happen in our lives that are too big to keep inside ourselves and this blog has become part confessional for me in addition to being a vehicle for marriage equality....

As many of you know. My husband Jay and I have decided to be full time foster parents. It was not something we planned to do in life...it just developed in the natural course of events. Being a foster parent can be a very rewarding experience however it also comes with some challenges. Many of the kids you will care for will melt your heart and break it all in the same moment and sometimes the pain they feel will bump up against your own pain and the memories of things that happened so long ago you didn't think it could ever reach out to hurt you again. But if you are a thinking and feeling human being you can't help but go with kids down the sometimes painful road that they are forced to walk. This is what happened to me this morning...

My Son's First Crush

Every day our kids get a little bigger. Sometimes that growth is easy to see, like when we they learn how to tie their own shoes or when we mark another inch on the growth chart. But along with all the changes they are making outside, they are also maturing inside and it's those changes that can sometimes catch us very off guard as parents. I mean...we know their coming at someday in a theoretical future...but when they actual get here it's still hard to imagine that those words are coming out of your childs mouth. This last week my some has been blowing me away and making me wonder were the little boy has gone. My son Daniel likes a girl...and likes her enough to tell her so in front of his friends. Oh man...I am proud of him and scared to death all at the same moment. Who would have guessed that such a simple part of growing up would fell so complicated.

Foster Parenting Can Tuff...Saying Goodbye

Day two and I am still at the hospital and may be here until tonight. Meanwhile, the baby went back to his uncles this morning and I'm a little weepy about it. This is the same baby who had me pulling out my hair the first two weeks of his time with us, but I knew that with time would come attachment...and so it was. I will miss him at the same time that I am glad that he is in a good home with family members. Be well baby boy my thoughts are with you...

Talk to you all very soon I hope and...Until next time dear readers...

Foster Diaries...Laying Your Heart On The Line

When I used to look forward to the future and wonder what my life would be like, one of the things I NEVER saw myself doing was foster parenting. First and foremost I was scared of having to face the way hurting kids can act out that hurt. I imagined kids having raging tantrums and screams of, "Your not my parents! I hate you!." I imagined kids who were sad and lost in a world of bewildering adult goings on, with hearts full of hurt and minds full of questions with no easy answers. If I am being totally honest, I need to admit that I was afraid....afraid to face the pain of others and all the emotional messiness that I knew would come with trying to help another hurting soul make their way through the world. I just did not feel I had what it took to do that....Yet here I am.

like most things in life, it's not as scary as I had projected it to be. BUT...sometimes a crisis can make us stand back and reevaluate our lives and how we got were we are. I was having one such crisis the other night in the form of one very cranky baby...

Unmaking The Monster

How do you make a monster? Is he made from disembodied parts? Animated by electricity and mad genius? Must he be the result of an evil curse or radioactive mutation? What takes an ordinary man and turns him into a thing to be feared and hated?

Personally, I don't think it takes mad science or evil curses under full moons. All it takes to make a monster is one lie told often enough. You see, it doesn't matter if the man really is a monster...only if everyone else believes he is. Tell everyone he is the shadow in every dark room....a menace to men women and children....rampaging through the streets seeking his next victim. You don't need  proof....You need only tap into the fear that already lives in there hearts. It won't be long before our ordinary man will sees to be ordinary and will transform into a fiend right before our very eyes. Keep Repeating the lie enough and even the monster himself may come to fear and hate himself.

Most times I forget the way the world looks at my life. I have never accepted the idea that being who I am is a thing to be feared or hated. I thought I had healed that vision of myself a long time ago. Yet, all it took was one comment from the mom of a foster child to punch me in the gut and remind me, that while I may not see an evil face in the mirror anymore...many others are still see us that way.

The kids Are Going Home...A Look Back At The Last Nine Months

Well...the Thanksgiving turkey has been cooked and devoured, the dishes cleaned, and the house put in order. The general hubbub  of the holiday has briefly subsided. It was a fantastic Thanksgiving with great food and a rare occasion when family put aside their differences and enjoyed a nice holiday. No one got their feelings hurt and stomped out in a huff...not even me...it was a Thanksgiving miracle that made for a wonderful day.

It was also a day that we sent our 5 year old nephew Marcelo...who we have fostered for nine+ months...back to be with his mom to stay. He was so excited he could barely contain himself all day. When the time came to go, he leapt into his mothers arms and seemed like the happiest boy in the universe. I can't help but be happy for him too . I guess this is what Thanksgiving is all about in the long run.

Now that our time with the kids is coming to a close, perhaps it's time to settle back..loosen the belt on my stuffed tummy...and think back over the last nine months...

Special People

Sometimes, as a blog writer I get rather caught up in the rut of writing exclusively about gay rights. I get so focused on this one aspect of life, I forget that life has many facets and more stories worth telling. As many of you already know, our family is again involved in the foster system bringing our current household up to five children. One perk for being involved in the fost adopt system again is that the agency that represents us also runs a support group for families to help deal with the stresses that can come with fostering and adopting. Its a great program. They feed the whole family and have childcare for all our kids so that we get some time to blow off some steam while the kid get to play freely with kids that have similar experiences to theirs. It was in one of these sessions that a subject came up in discussion among all the parents, that resonated with me as a parent and a blogger. One of the parents brought up a comment we often here as foster and adoptive parents. The subject of special people...

Well...Its Happening.

Some of you may be wondering why blogging didn't happen yesterday. Still more of you may be aware that we have been considering bringing our 8 month old neice into our home on a foster basis while her mother goes through a drug treatment program. What you may not know is that she also has two boys ages 2 and 4 that have been in a group home the last few days while all of us "grown ups" figure out how we can best provide for them. Well...all three kids are coming to us, beginning with the boys tommorow. To hear the details, read on...only the names have been ommited, to protect the privacy of the kids.