10 Kids 2 Dads...An Open Conversation

For those of you who may have missed it, The Oprah Winfrey Network recently aired it's new reality series 10 Kids 2 Dads. The show chronicles the lives of Clint and Bryan as they raise their 10 adopted children. As of now the show is being billed as a "special" with hopes that enough interest will lead OWN to make it into a regular series. That's an option I sincerely hope they pick up because I enjoyed watching it a lot...and the list of T.V. shows I consider "must watch" is extremely short....as in countable on one hand short. It was actually my husband Jay is who brought the show to my attention. He is a total reality show junky and so when a show about two dads with adopted kids came up on his radar, we both got pretty excited. And so we settled down to snuggled up for a TV night to watch another set of dad's deal with the stresses of family life both in the everyday way and in the challenges that come with parenting adopted children. This also counted as a "date night" for us...if that tells you anything.

Now...some of my readers know that we have already given some of our opinion about this show on Youtube. However, this is my chance to give my own unvarnished view in a way that our family videos doesn't always allow. In addition, I would like this to be an open conversation as I will likely ramble over a variety of topics relating to the show....please feel free to chime in and let me know what you think. So without further ado...

Foster Diaries: Risking Your Heart

One thing that we as human beings do not like to do with our hearts is risk them. Risk means uncertainty and with uncertainty comes the possibility of loss and pain. But however much we try too limit the risks we have to take, it has been a life lesson for me to learn to hold your heart out there anyway..even  if you are hurt.And in the event that you are, you must learn not to let it keep you from loving again. This is the heavy lifting of the heart and way we build its capacity to love. Yes, I know...it sounds like the inside of a Hallmark greating card but it is also a fact of life as I have lived it.

One of the ways this lesson was brought home to me was through adoption and foster care. Many of our readers may have been keeping abreast of my previous writings about "Baby Boy". The two year old who has stolen our hearts and who already feels like a member of our family. He came into our lives with two ear infections and soul full of pain and made me question my ability as a foster parent only to later steal all our hearts. At that time we had to say goodbye to him and let him be with a member of his family for long term care only to have him return six months later after having suffered horrific abuse in that home. We welcomed him back with the intention that this time we wanted him to stay. But as with all times you open your heart to someone...there is the possibility that it wont work out. Such is the case with Baby boy.

Stolen Childhood

Welcome back everyone....

I know it's been a long time since I have written anything. But, that does not mean that it has been an uneventful beginning to the year. The kids are still off for Christmas vacation and my husband has taken off some time to help care for Baby Boy and the others...so our house is full and very busy. Additionally, I have not been so happy with the gay related news these days. It seems like it's all completely wrapped up in the Republican primaries and the insane viewpoints of it's candidates. I have to admit that I am sick of hearing about Rick Santorum, Rick Perry, and Michelle Bachman to the point that I am afraid to even log onto the internet anymore. They are on everywhere, all the dam time...and they seem intent on pushing each other over to prove who is the most "conservative(I.E. against the gays). Case in point...

Via Towleroad and reported by the Miami herald...Rick Santorum wants to be your president...and this is what he thinks of same-sex adoption and children's rights to a safe home:

Citing the work of one anti-poverty expert, Santorum said, "he found that even fathers in jail who had abandoned their kids, were still better than no father at all to have in their childrens' lives."
Allowing gays to marry and raise children, Santorum added, amounts to "robbing children of something they need, they deserve, they have right to. You may rationalize that that isn't true, but in your own life and in your own heart, you know it's true."

Really?...robbed?!...then I have a little story to tell about how Baby Boy came to be in our care this Christmas. Brace yourself and grab a tissue...it's going to be hard to hear...

Foster Diaries: The Return of Baby Boy

Well dear readers, it seems that life is bringing me full circle again. Many of you may also watch us on YouTube, and if so...you know that there is a new addition coming to our home. Way back in February of this year I  blogged about a little boy who was placed with us that I had dubbed "baby boy" since we can not put him in print or video. On the first day he came to be with us he had two ear infections and a whole lot of fear and neglect issues and so he cried every night....for hours. At that time, it made me wonder whether I had the chops to handle being a foster parent. But as time went on, his medical issues cleared up and became the cutest little baby I ever could have imagined. Sadly though, the time came when social services found a family member willing to care for Baby Boy while his mom could go through drug treatment and the family reunification process. We were sad...but we also knew that this would be a part of emergency foster care and we thought it was good that he would be with family......And so Baby Boy left our home to whatever the future would hold for him. All of us shed a few tears as we said our good buys.

Except....that the future that he went to wasn't as bright as we had hoped and it seems that Baby Boy is returning to our home today....

Foster Diaries...Laying Your Heart On The Line

When I used to look forward to the future and wonder what my life would be like, one of the things I NEVER saw myself doing was foster parenting. First and foremost I was scared of having to face the way hurting kids can act out that hurt. I imagined kids having raging tantrums and screams of, "Your not my parents! I hate you!." I imagined kids who were sad and lost in a world of bewildering adult goings on, with hearts full of hurt and minds full of questions with no easy answers. If I am being totally honest, I need to admit that I was afraid....afraid to face the pain of others and all the emotional messiness that I knew would come with trying to help another hurting soul make their way through the world. I just did not feel I had what it took to do that....Yet here I am.

like most things in life, it's not as scary as I had projected it to be. BUT...sometimes a crisis can make us stand back and reevaluate our lives and how we got were we are. I was having one such crisis the other night in the form of one very cranky baby...

Unmaking The Monster

How do you make a monster? Is he made from disembodied parts? Animated by electricity and mad genius? Must he be the result of an evil curse or radioactive mutation? What takes an ordinary man and turns him into a thing to be feared and hated?

Personally, I don't think it takes mad science or evil curses under full moons. All it takes to make a monster is one lie told often enough. You see, it doesn't matter if the man really is a monster...only if everyone else believes he is. Tell everyone he is the shadow in every dark room....a menace to men women and children....rampaging through the streets seeking his next victim. You don't need  proof....You need only tap into the fear that already lives in there hearts. It won't be long before our ordinary man will sees to be ordinary and will transform into a fiend right before our very eyes. Keep Repeating the lie enough and even the monster himself may come to fear and hate himself.

Most times I forget the way the world looks at my life. I have never accepted the idea that being who I am is a thing to be feared or hated. I thought I had healed that vision of myself a long time ago. Yet, all it took was one comment from the mom of a foster child to punch me in the gut and remind me, that while I may not see an evil face in the mirror anymore...many others are still see us that way.

A Parents Worst Nightmare...Justice For Peter and Laurent

Meet Peter and Laurent...two men who remind me very much of my husband and myself. The are two men who decided to have a family and researched all their options...and finally deciding on surrogacy. They found an agency that they trusted to help them through the process and eventually connected with a surrogate mother in the Ukraine...leading to the birth of their son Samuel. The problem?...Belgium won't let them bring their son home. Since Belgium has no laws regulating surrogacy, they will not issue any official papers for the child. Peter and Laurent have been going through a bureaucratic nightmare trying to get any Belgian official to help them bring their child home...who is now three and languishing in an orphanage.

Check it out for yourself and don't forget to click the CC button for English subtitles...

I can't help but think how I would feel if I was in their shoes...gutted...devastated...willing to do just about anything to see this thing through. That's how I would feel and seems to sum up the emotions I see in Perter and Laurent. That is heartbreaking and appalling. I can't believe that Belgian lawmakers would rather see this little boy sit in an orphanage while they dither about surrogacy laws. If there are no laws forbidding surrogacy then there should not be so much resistance to allowing these men to bring their son home. I hope these two men NEVER give up. Don't let the dream die gentlemen that little boy will know that he was loved and wanted by his two dads who love him very much...that's something we can never give up hope on.

Facebook pages in English and in French have been created to help support these men and an online petition has been launched to help these men bring their son home. find the petition here. Lets hope we can bring enough pressure to make someone in the Belgian government stand up and help this family. I hope their family can be whole again someday soon.

Until next time dear readers.....

The Pink Guide to Adoption

By: Craig Rigby

When I got home from work this week on my hall table I found, wrapped in somewhat excessive amazon packaging, "The Pink Guide to Adoption". Jake and I have joined a group called New Family Social. They support gay people through the adoption process in the UK and give help and advice to potential adopters at all stages of the process. They recommended to me this little pink book and now I am going to recommend it to you.

The book is, as you probably expect, a guide to adoption focused at gay people. It is published by the British Association for Adoption and Fostering, who also publish other step by step guides to the legal process involved in adopting a child. The book sets expectations of the process and provides an outline of every hoop that needs to be jumped through. Its great strength is in how it points out the pitfalls peculiar to gay people, and provides advice and case studies from people who have already gone through the process.

 This isn't going to be a book review in the traditional sense; I find it impossible to read things about adoption objectively. Instead I am going to mix in a lot of what the book told me about the adoption process and how that affected my expectations of my own journey. Not always positively!

Same-Sex Reproduction...A Not So Far Off Possibility?

As much as anti-gay pundits bang the drum that gays cannot biologically reproduce, we are no strangers to the process. Many gay couples are raising children from previous marriages and others may have built their family with surrogacy or invitro Fertilization. Their are plenty of same-sex families out their raising children biologically related to at least one partner....but what if you could have a child that is biologically, a product of BOTH partners...think it can't be done? Well, not so fast...science might be catching up with us.

Surrogacy vs Adoption

By: Craig Rigby
As you may or may not be aware my partner Jake and I have decided to adopt. We are currently desperately trying to pay off everything we owe to anyone so that one of us can give up work when the time comes.


When we were considering children, we had to...like all gay people, make a choice. We had to choose between surrogacy and adoption. Here in the UK surrogacy is not really possible locally. It is not legal for a mother to sign away all rights to her child, she can always assert them. People who want an absent surrogate and egg donor for the child have to go to the USA.

There was recently a documentary made by Channel 4 about a gay couple in the UK who first had children by surrogate and egg donor 10 years ago called “My Weird and Wonderful Family”. It followed their story as they followed the process again to add twins to their family.

 

Mexico City and Gay Marriage...Doin' it right

Do's and Don'ts for approval of marriage equality...the "Foot in the Door" method:

• Do NOT submit to a popular state or nationwide vote.


• Do NOT count on a single politician to be brave enough to take the heat alone or act on conscience.


• Do NOT expect nationwide acceptance of gay rights without first letting people get there frightened little toes in the water first. Which leads us to...

..DO..begin with the legislature of a major city who is willing to bring marriage equality to reality and build from there....