Monday, March 22, 2010

What Is "Gay Family Values"?

This week Jay and myself Filmed a video for Youtube that tackled the issues of monogamy and crushes. It was a terribly hard video to make...mostly because Jay really had something he wanted to say and I am reticent to be as forthcoming as he was on a topic so intimate. That fact came across in our video as we did not edit out a disagreement between Jay and myself. So...long story short...viewers got to see a side of us they don't normally see. For being this candid we got a great deal of positive feedback...but also alot of shock and some negative response...and many questions. It was shocking for people to see us in this manner. Which brings us to my point, "what is gay family values?" both as a concept for life and the meaning of our Youtube channel? See the video and read on after the fold...

A question we get alot from people who wonder why we had to insert the word "gay". Aren't all family values the same? Well of course they are....but the reason why we initially chose those specific words for out title is because the term "Family Values" had been used to bludgeon the gay community for so many was time to take it back. We wanted to show the world that gay families have exactly the same sets of values, triumphs, and tragedies as all other families do....and we make the same mistakes. Thats a part of being human. Thats a simple point that certain conservative and religious groups want to downplay when using the term "family values" for their own political ends. They would cast themselves as morally superior..and gays as subhuman creatures motivated only by our baser instincts.

After Prop 8...Jay and I had had enough...and so we decided to take back the term and show the world what a gay family really looks like and how it functions. We knew there would be people that needed to see that...we just had no idea how many. The response we got was overwhelming and we saw a clear need to continue showing our family.

That said...alot of people still attach that same sense of moral superiority whenever you put the words "family" and "values" together in the same sentence. It smacks of fundamentalism. Even if you insert the word "gay" in front. Thats why some of queerty's commenters feel comfortable in referring to us as the "Fun-damentalists" or gay Gosselins. After a while, Jay and I found ourselves being concerned that people were getting a distorted view of who we really were and what our purpose was. We are not the Brady Bunch, The Waltons, or any other t.v. family that presents an idea of nuclear family perfection that doesn't reflect the real world that we live in. We just wanted to show that a family with two dads or two moms doesn't look or function any different than one with different-sex parents, that children of same-sex families grow up just fine..and the big to ban gay marriage is not voting on an abstract biblical has a direct impact on our families and children like ours.

One commenter from the video offered dissent:

I think as a couple in the limelight they should be true to their persona. They call themselves "Gay Family Values" The 'Values' should be what they talk about, not the flaws. They're here to do just that, appear to have nothing but values, I know they're not perfect, no one is, but that's not why they're here. They're here to preach values, again. I cant stress that enough. If they want another channel to vlog about immorality then awesome, but dont ruin your existing purpose.

If you're about "gay family values" U should stick 2 that & not necessarily B honest & reveal UR flaws. noing UR a cheater kind of ruins UR image in my Iz at least. B4 U guys could appear 'pure' so 2 speak now UR no different than da next. I don't no I think this vid was a bad call. Its not dat u have 2 live perfect but 4 da young u should appear 'pure' SorryBoys

Life is not like an episode of "Leave it to Beaver". Its messy....and along way we make mistakes. Some of those experiences we regret, some we don't because they taught us something valuable. Thats just the reality of life. To show anything else is to fabricate an image of ourselves that would be false. And..I know... this is a loaded question in this day and age, when every image you see on t.v., print media, and political adds are essential  carefully constructed and totally fake images but...Why would you want to look up to a person who wasn't representing their true selves? Isn't that being willfully lied to? Purity is not what happens when we deny reality..its what happens when we face it and come to terms with it.

In addition...We are only one same-sex family. There are hundreds of others out there doing the same thing we do everday in raising our kids. We're just the ones putting our business out there for the world to see because we hoped it would make a positive change in the world. That doesn't mean that the way we answer lifes challenges is the way other families would. One of the goals we had at the outset, was to encourage those other same-sex families to tell their stories as well and widen the worlds view of what it means to be a gay family...because ours is but one of many. To date, this has been slow to happen...but it has slowly begun to take hold.

Moving on to the infidelity issue that seemed to throw so many people for a loop...One constant throughout my life that I have been forced to face, is the fact that I am not a perfect person. All of us, at some point in our lives, do something that we never thought we were capable of doing...and I am no exception. That changes not only the way you look at youself, but the people in your life as well. Both incidents happened a few years apart and with entirely different people. Jay came to me immediately both times, plainly tortured by what he had done. I had never faced this before so I now had a set of hard questions to ask myself about what had occured and about the man that I loved. Does he really regret it? Is this a sign of something deeper...or soemthing wrong between the two of us? Is this the only man/time this has happened?

In the end it came down to two things. First was the fact that I had to admit to myself that if I was faced with the same scenario he was...what would I have done? Now...being the shy person that I normally am, I probably would have beat a hasty retreat...but maybe not...and that seed of doubt was enough to acknowledge that I was capable of the same acts. I could get just as easily carried away in the moment. The second thing that settled it for me is that Jay has always treated me with honesty and respect...sometimes more so than I have given him. Why should years of positive behavior be overruled by a moment of bad decision making? He didn't have a history of leaving me at home for unexplained absenses, no wierd emails, or bills for hotels....nothing that said these situations where anything but isolated incidents. Over the years Jay has continued to be a man who gives 110% himself to his family...all of his time, effort, and finances, focus....everything. As I said to another Youtube commenter who expressed surprise that I could forgive so easily...I regret not my decision nor one day with him.

So what is gay family values? The same as any other families values. Life is a tough place and through good times and bad, we face it together...with love, respect, patients, forgiveness...and sometimes an argument, frustration, and impatience. We do the best we can to learn, to grow, and to give each other the best parts of ourselves....even when we fall flat on our faces. And yes parents learn and grow in parenthood at the same time that their kids do. However, good or bad, we face it together because thats what a family does....we just had to put the "gay" in front of the title so you would be able to see those same virtues reside in all families...even the ones with two dads or two mommies. Until next time dear readers...


  1. Thank you Bryan for taking the time to talk a little bit more about something that is incredibly private.

    If you guys came across as some perfect family you would be utterly unrelatable. As it is you give the rest of us hope we can achieve what you have, imperfections and all.

  2. I'm really happy you guys have let us see your family, both the good and the bad. But I can definitely understand the hesitance to reveal intimate topics. If my boyfriend told people some of those things about our relationship, I would probably murder him.

  3. Bryan:
    I have written you before about how powerful your blogs are and how I have been touched by so many of them. Your videos have made me laugh, cry and most of all - think! This last video was powerful, it was raw and it was honest. It showed Jay's A type personality and your shy, modest self, but most of all, it showed the love, honesty and the dedication you have for each other.

    I am a straight woman, married to the same man for 46 1/2 years and I cannot and will not question either one of you or the decisions you have made. Who am I or anyone else to cast a stone and I DO NOT think you need to apologize or futher explain yourself to anyone!

    The lives you lead, the examples you both show the world, the fact that you have taken in the three "little ones" speak for themselves and I dare anyone to question your lives, past, present and future. I am angry at some of the responses and if people stop coming to your channel and blog, that's their loss.

    Hoping you continue to share your life with all of us, sorry this is so long, just needed to share my feelings.

    Love and Peace,

  4. "But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely."

    -- Galatians 5 vs. 22-23 (Message)

    That's the Message's take on the Fruits of the Spirit, one of my favourite passages; the NIV lists them as love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. In fact, for me they're so important I've painted it on my bedroom wall! And because I'm a geek, I translated it into Klingon first.

    In the video you guys did about monogamy & crushes, I saw all those characteristics in both of you. I saw your love for each other and your kids; your joy in your relationship and the family you have created; your determination to strive for peace within your home; and your patience with each other in that effort. I saw your kindness towards each other in your willingness to forgive past wrongs; your goodness in your honesty with one-another; and your faithfulness to each other in the face of events which for many couples would have led to the end of the relationship. I saw your gentleness in the sensitivity you each displayed towards how the other was feeling, and your self-control in your decision to not fly off the handle over earlier problems, but instead work through them in a productive and enriching way.

  5. Bryan,

    I think it's interesting that you blog whereas Jay vlogs. I think it must be the introvert vs extrovert way of communicating. I prefer the written word over the visual medium myself.

    I've been a viewer of your family's videos for a while now and I've expressed my concern over changes "fame" or "notoriety" can have on a family.

    I appreciate the honesty you and Jay display in making your videos. But at the same time I have a concern for your safety and privacy because it's the information age and there are crazy people out there.

    My concern over what you guys talked about last night is more of an issue of, it's great to share with "us" but what if the kids watched that clip? Do Daniel and/or Selena need to know Daddy Jay once wasn't with Daddy Bryan?

    I only bring it up because privacy is a difficult thing to get back once it's been put out in the public. I remember Oprah saying once that she wouldn't write an email she didn't want to see on a billboard. So while I appreciate your openness and honesty, it can cut both ways and I want you guys to consider that and be comfortable with that before going forward.



  6. I'm so glad you decided to talk about this in your blog. I was wondering if you were going to mention it at all. It was such a powerful video that it made a larger impression on me than some of your other videos which have all been great.

    I completely understand why that video was hard. I would be more like you in disclosing private details. I'm just way more censored about those kind of things (hello...still in the closet). I also understand Jay's more open way of dealing with things (which I hope to have more of in the future so I can be more authentic about my sexuality). Even with the disagreement I am glad you guys did show it and didn't just fix it to be "perfect". It was so real and raw that I really appreciated it the more and it gives me even greater confidence to know that when you guys are happy and getting along that's not just an act or putting on a show (not that I doubted it but it just makes sense that a lot of people like to put their best foot forward in public right?).

    It was a shock to see that video just because I hadn't seen you guys be like that before but at the end of the day I am realistic. Nobody's perfect, and everybody has arguments/disagreements and so on. Just because we don't see it doesn't mean it doesn't happen. And you guys have already talked about disagreeing with each other before and stuff. If anything you guys being able to confront each other and be okay with it made me see your relationship was real and beautiful. I personally think the true test of any relationship are seeing how people deal with each other when things aren't going well. Dealing with each other when everything is great is the easy part.

    I saw that same comment on your page from that poster who wanted you to represent "Gay Family Values" in a certain way. To me, it's a non-issue. "Gay Family Values" is going to mean something different for each person. You are representing what that means to you, and I think you've guys have done an outstanding job. Obviously the other person feels it means something different, and I actually understand his point. At the end of the day though, it's like your blog. You're going to write or talk or think about what you want to do and it's not really anybody's place to make you do something for their values or agendas. Sure they can make suggestions or criticize or whatever. It's a free country. I'd never expect you to not be yourselves though or to completely be servants to what the public wants you to do. If somebody wants to define "Gay Family Values" their way then they can do what you've done and make their own videos, have their own family, and/or blog.

    omg there is so much to comment on that I'm going to be responding a couple of times.

  7. I was most shocked about hearing that Jay "cheated" on you twice. It's such a loaded word I was stunned upon him first talking about it. You guys explained it though and as long as you both are fine with it that's all that matters.

    It definitely made me look at you guys differently though. Not in a bad way, since I try not to be judgmental (or at least limit it). I just hadn't known that side of your relationship obviously. Before that, you guys were like the squeaky clean family with no flaws. I actually like to see the other side of you guys. It makes you more human and relateable to me. Not that you guys weren't human and relateable before though lol.

    It was eye opening to hear Jay talk about how when he was young he hadn't realized gay people could be monogamous. My jaw was on the floor. I mean I've heard the stereotypes about the "gay community" before but it's just so different from the way I have always thought. It is always interesting to hear how others grew up with totally different experiences.

    I have thought long and hard about the issue of monogamy versus other relationship/sexual styles. I mean a couple of us have already talked about polygamy and promiscuity here on this page before right? It's such a complicated topic and I still don't know exactly what I believe. I think I'm like you Bryan. Emotionally, I think monogamy is my core value and what I feel most natural about. Logically though, I am open-minded and am tolerant of different relationship styles--whatever fits the couple best.

    The 1 thing that floored me from already being wide eyed at your video was when Jay said that when he cheated, he did it with a straight guy...who was married! That was like =O. Jay!! You homewrecker! How scandalous! Also that is definitely more anecdotal evidence in favor of the theory of a lot of "straight guys"
    actually being bi.

    On another note it was lol to hear Jay talk about his crushes for Fightdog and fruityteen. I don't have crushes on them, but I do think those 2 along with swampex and you Bryan are the best looking guys of the kind of YouTube community you guys have going. I have similar tastes as Jay I guess lol.

  8. Thank you, Thank you, and Thank you! Bryan you really helped me understand the video so much more with your blogging. The video was just a little to much for me, I guess because I am a private type person when it comes to my personal life. I really love Gay Family Values and have such a great respect for you both so very much.
    You and Jay have helped me in so many ways that I can not start to list them all. You have helped me to be more aware of how important it is to not forget who you are. You have also helped me see that marriage can be a good thing no matter if you are striaght or gay. I could go on and on but most of all you two have shown me that there is true love out there between two people, that is something I needed to see and hear because I had lost hope on true love, espceally in the gay community.
    It is a great gift you give to all who read your blog or view Jay and you vlogging. I know it has been one of the greatest gifts to me because the love you both have for one another shows me that man kind is not ending in a bad way but only beginning to get better.
    Thank you so much, LathanV

  9. I fallow both your blog and your channel, and I truly do love the honesty that you use when it comes to both of them. It is that honesty, the the "flaws" and all that makes you guys such inspirations, if it was not for the fact that you guys where honest about your "flaws" I know I would still think that I could never be part of a gay family as lord knows I am not perfect.

  10. Bryan - what a great post.

    I remember getting an e-mail from you months ago when I was sharing my challenge in coming out to a friend who initially recommended me to ex-gay ministries, but, by the end of our conversation, had come around to be more accepting of the way I am.

    You told me to be entirely honest with this friend of mine as he adapts to me being homosexual. To show him the humanity of homosexuality - the brokenness, the heartache, the joy, and love. To show the full spectrum of my character to him, and reveal the similarity between homosexuality and heterosexuality as we pursue the lives we want to have.

    This is what I appreciated about this video with you and Jay. I watched an honest experience between the two of you - one that I was reluctant to watch (I had to pause it a couple times, as I was uncomfortable hearing some of this information). But it made me realize that I admire you and Jay for very different reasons.

    Jay is unrelentingly honest - he wants the world to understand his family and his relationship with his husband so that the goals of marriage equality can be reached. I love this about him.

    You, Bryan, are no less honest, but certainly more reserved. Like me, I think you prefer to share your feelings in text rather than in person... and you feel as though some things are welcome knowledge for the public and some things are not. I love this about you - and can more appropriately relate to your "conservative" approach.

    Watching that video was really interesting - enlightening about your relationship and the nature of relationship. It was a good thing. Just as your reluctance is.

    Thanks for another great blog post.

  11. @ Mare you both humble me greatly...thank you for such kind comments. I'm going all weepy and stuff...thats from the heart...but oh so embarrasing...

    @Tavdy...LOL...I hope you gave it a good water proof coating because speaking Klingon tends to project a great deal of saliva! That why they are angry all the time...some guy keeps spitting in their face. :)

    @hayofray...It is so much easier for me to express myself in writing than speaking to someone. I don't know why that is. In the video's I try to bounce off Jay's comments or I would be totally lost.

    P.S. what happened was way before the kids came into our lives. If they did find out I trust that they are mature enough to handle a version of the truth that can be put on their level. Kids are a lot smarter and more resilient than we give them credit for...what happened then will matter less than whats happening NOW.

  12. Oh hell...I posted that comment too early. All of you had great things to say and I wanted to say thank you to each of guys make writing this blog totally worth it. :D

  13. brian its my first time to comment on your vlog its very refreshing to see that although you and jay seem so alike in many aspects you are able to make yourself understood in different ways. as for your last video i do not think that it was done in bad taste at all. it shows how human you are as a couple. nobody is perfect and your latest vid about monogamy and crushes show just how perfectly imperfect you are. love depfox!!!!


  14. Artjommm (on Youtube)March 23, 2010 at 9:02 AM

    Guys, you rock. I'm so amazed by your honesty and openness. Boy, you ARE going really deep into private, very private issues. But thank you so much for sharing these things with us, viewers and readers. I feel like I'm having 2 experienced mentors in my life who are willing to share their trials and tribulations with me. Amazing. You ARE a true blessing for the gay community, not only in the US, but in Germany (where I'm from) and all around the world.
    As for monogamy in gay relationships, I'd say you are on the right way. Unless partners are really mature (in terms of their personality) and can EASILY abstain from sex out of the relationship, open relationships only damage both partners and bring additional destructive dynamics into a VERY FRAGILE harmony in life and relationships. Let us all be honest to ourselves: the peace within us can be taken away very easily. So it's great, Brian and Jay, that you do your best to preserve it. I'm 27, and I take my partners (previous and those yet to come) very seriously. And if something is hurting them, it is automatically hurting me. So actively practiced open relationships will never be an option. Good bless you, guys. Stay faithful! It's worth it.

  15. I can still remember watching those old black and white TV family shows when I was a kid. My mother did not wear a dress and pearls and did not always have a meatloaf in the oven. Dad did not wear a tie. They did not sleep in single beds. There was no talk on TV about being gay or homosexuality. That entire era on TV was completely "phony."
    Some people say that those were "the good old days." I think not. I would rather live in a real world where people can be truthful about their downfalls and their lives. Having been a resident of that horrible "closet" for a good portion of my life was enough for me living in a make believe world....
    Thanks Bryan for being open and honest.

  16. Bryan - no water-proof coating required. I can read/write a bit of Klingon, but unless I have a really bad throat, there's no way I can pronounce it!

  17. Kenny in San AntonioMarch 23, 2010 at 11:41 AM

    You guys are not perfect "shocking" but at least you guys were able to learn from these missteps and move on. I guess I was not as shocked as others when the video and discussion came out. Maybe it was because we touched on it when I was there visiting. I think those experiences brought you guys closer together and also shows your readers and youtubers that we are all human and have flaws. This was a great blog. Though I never did see anyone wearing a pearl necklace while I was there

  18. I'm a Leftist and in a political discussion with one of my liberal friends he asked in all sincerity "what is 'family values' anyway?"
    I said that it appeared that "family values" meant "valuing the rich, white, american, heterosexual, traditional, nuclear families... and no others".

    Thanks Bryan & Jay for fighting for a world in which all families are valued.

    P.S.: About people feeling disappointed. I guess some people are so desperate to believe in anything these days that they're even eager to believe in lies.

    Thank you guys so much for your honesty!

  19. Bryan, I appreciate the blog follow-up to the vlog. I was really Wow'd by the frank and open discussion of the vlog, and then I though how many people would benefit from it. It would have been great if I had known about these relationship growing pains back in the day.

    Like you two, we worked through our issues and built a closer bond. The bond you and Jay have is so apparent, but I am especially reminded of it whenever I watch your King and King vlog. That look you give Jay speaks volumes to me.

    Thanks for sharing your lifes with me.

  20. Hey Bryan

    I just saw you Blog I want to say Jay and you are doing a great Job on taking caring of a awesome family. I just should my best friend your blog when we just go back from my Dr Office. And she read you story on here and it had tear in her eyes. You are right how you are putting positive change to other family in this world!!! Well Done!!!!

    your JOJO

  21. I think that it's more than needed for you to present ALL sides of a relationship, including the mistakes made along the way. Unfortunately, too many people go into a relationship expecting everything to be sunshine and lollypops, and then when a disagreement or mistake happens they call it quits rather than work through it. By showing that a couple that many people (myself included) admire have had the hard times too and still have them sometimes, it shows that the mistakes are not all there is to a relationship.

  22. Bryan,

    You are such a beautiful human being. I hope that I can be the kind of dedicated partner and devoted father that you are. You truly inspire me and you make me very proud to be a gay man.


  23. just say..keep on going on the way you do and see the positive furture for all the people... it's god to fight for a right to live in peace and freedom... don't give the negative things your energy.. thaxxs and which you all my best for the future... from germany..


  24. You are absolutely right, life is messy. The fact that people base their ideas of what family is on the perfection that we see on television and in movies to me illustrates the problem. People try to live up to the level of perfection and ultimately fail. I think your family is a beacon of what life is really like for families gay or straight. You both are such an inspiration for me, as a gay man I initially thought that I would have to forgo a family if I chose to acknowledge myself as gay. You have really illustrated that I can have a family and be who I am at the same time. Keep up the great work!!!

  25. I think you handled it in a positive way and I am happy that it didn't get in the way of your marriage because you guys are "the" couple that I look up to.

  26. Bryan,
    I commend you and Jay on your honesty. Seeing the good and the not so good makes your family relatable. We all have flaws and make mistakes and we all have to get through them. You're only human, like the rest of us (gay or straight). You shouldn't be expected to be perfect all the time (that's just not possible).

  27. Youtube and this blog is aimed at talking about gay families but for me it’s becoming like a lesson (in a good way) about family in general.
    Hi Bryan
    I’ve been watching and reading you two for about a week now…and talking to both of you, in my mind  …and trying to figure out what to make of all this...openness, you know?
    you get a lot of responses etc so you already know how your produces are being taken…and as I am quite late in discovering the channel and the blog all the things I feel like saying have already been said 
    While watching the monogamy and crush episode I really had this rush of words…because the issue of whole issue of masculinity, insecurity, expectations and gender-roles intrigue me….
    The idea of marriage always scares me_between wanting to have kids and letting another person be my ‘husband’_losing my identity by conforming to gender-roles and submitting to parents’ wishes…but the episode makes marriage look quite healthy and rewarding. It’s helpful. Thank you.
    After watching the charlotte video and reading the dinner post…and the repressed feelings/depression pic that u used…well, you have Jay, and everyone, and you seem so well-adjusted you must have your own way of dealing with stuff, like you have in the past...but if you keep feeling isolated and alone, let me know and I’ll tell you what I think of that and you’ll be all better in a jiffy!

  28. hey guys,
    thankyou for this video and post regarding "family vales".
    it seems to me that your aim throughout has been to show the world the values of a gay family, your gay family. of course no single family can represent us all so please do not feel pressured to censor yourselves, your flaws, your beliefs or values. the world is filled with those who, by hiding all flaws, propose that they can represent an ideal. those tactics are for marketeers. you are not a brand. the world doesn't need to see false/censored/morally airbrushed "perfection". the world needs to see the truth behind the pithy reductive ideological soundbites that get passed of as facts. your honesty is your strongest weapon and your strongest shield because it shows your humanity in a sea of brands. keep vloggin'n'bloggin'

  29. Bryan, you are so fantastic at putting feelings into words. This is very beautiful! You make your points clear, and you do it in a way for everybody to understand, or at least understand better. Very well written too. Normally I don't follow up on any blogs; I’ve never found it interesting. But then you guys (and Selena) came along. Showing your family life with the good stuff and the bad stuff is such a wonderful idea. I'm sure your work helps a lot of people who needs it, and I’m impressed that you take your time and effort to do this. I think this is exactly what a lot of people need to see. And Bryan, in this piece of work you have some wonderful views on important things, and the whole thing really makes you think. I truly agree with you most of the way. Honesty, and that when you lose, you shall not lose the lesson.
    Best regards from Denmark

  30. hey Bryan
    I think I commented on this video though the channel I cant remember.. so if I didnt I just want to say this video was just wonderful... i may not be in flavor of marriage for MYSELF but I do believe in Monogamy... I know one would ask how can I be for one and not the other as most people feel that they are the same... i did at one time as well when a verry young teenager...
    My view is this, I had been on my own for such a long time now that I just don't think I could be married and live 24/7 with someone and I truly don't trust enough and I think that is the heart of the matter TRUST and LOVE so for me without the trust how can there be love...
    As for Monogamy when I'm in a relationship I expect that person to be faithful as I am faithful to the person I expect it back so when a past boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend at the time I didn't forgive and I couldn't I did try but the trust was gone....and with it so did the love die....
    I am so glad you were able to forgive and get past Jay's lapse :-) just goes to prove perhaps you are a lot stronger than I was...

    Mind you I also had a very young child at the time and I didnt want my son exposed to my messy relationship so I dealt with that by locking it in a room along with all the other crap....

    But I look at my friend who has been married for 20 yrs and yea they had issues and they have arguments like you and Jay but they are soo happy

    I guess in my very long winded way is people have to do and live their lives the best they can for themselves not other people and what works for one couple may not necessary be what is best for another couple..

    Anyhoo finished the rant
    take care of your wonderful family

  31. I appreciate your videos and the honesty you present. At first I was concerned about what kind of people would reveal themselves in a "reality show type" venue but I've grown to appreciate the venue as well. I think my reluctance stems from my age, which is a good 10 years more than you guys. Sometime I'd appreciate hearing the process you use to script or plan your videos and how you've learned to stay on point as much as you can as well as how you handle the camera, etc. Even at my age, or maybe, especially at my age, your lifestyle and your values are an inspiration to me. I used to live near you, in Calistoga, and now I'm the one you see pop up in Madrid, Spain. Thanks guys, Pelican Eyes

  32. Hi Bryan - I stumbled across the video blog from Jay today and was so scared to view it because I just encountered the same thing with my partner only last September.

    We had just started dating and things were going great. He had to leave for work for a week around his birthday and I was okay with it at first. One day he was taking a shower (about 2 weeks later) and a text came in (his phone has the text message on the screen as a default setting). The message said "I miss you, when are you coming back to Ohio. Let me know so we can meet again." I ignored it at first. Then two weeks later he went to Ohio again for work. When he got home that night he asked me to look a number up on his phone, him and this guy exchanged more texts while he was in Ohio even going as far to inviting him to the hot tub.

    I have never brought this up to him, but we did have the monogamy discussion a month later. Just last week we celebrated 9 months together (not a huge milestone) but it's his 2nd longest relationship.

    I have often just forgotten about that moment, but when I saw the video I closed my office door and cried for almost half an hour. I too had been in your shoes as the guy who was cheated on.

    However, after finding your blog and reading your response on the whole situation you have empowered me to know it's okay. Sometimes forgiveness is everything because love comes first. Being that this is his second longest relationship (and he has had many), it's very hard for him to understand love.

    I appreciate your courage doing this exploration tgoether and sharing it with us.

    Thank you!

  33. I am one of the many people who discovered your YouTube channel after seeing Daniel's eloquent and heartfelt letter to Chief Justice Roberts.

    I have since spent quite a few hours watching your videos and reading entries on your blog.

    Your honesty, and your willingness to be honest about who you truly are--and not this idealized fantasy of the "perfect" family--are probably the most important aspect of your activism.

    Your relationship is not "perfect" but real. Your children struggle with the same issues every other adopted child, and teenager, and person with chronic disorders face.

    Thank you--and best wishes to you all, now and always.