Saturday, October 24, 2009

My Big Gay Anniversary....Squared

Most couples only get one anniversary to repeatedly forget year after year to the consternation of their spouses. Those of us in the GLBTQI world often get many. I mean it...lots. In fact, I think we should get a bulk discount from Hallmark.

For Jay and I it goes down something like this. First is the day we kissed along the beach at Goat Rock. That was the day our relationship went from "friends" to "boyfriends" in one moment of destiny...

The Day we signed up as domestic partners, November 4th 1998 is the day we really mark as being our true anniversary. This day also happens to be my Bday. We had been together about a year or so when Jay decided to treat me to a night in the city. We saw "Phantom Of The Opera" and stayed the night in a nice hotel...all in all it was already an awsome birthday by then. The next morning we went to breakfast at Denny's and after that I was just expecting to go home and get on with daily life. But...again, ordinary moments sometimes become extraordinary. Jay pulled a card from under the table, which I expected to be a birthday card. On the cover was an image on a dozen roses and inside he asked me to marry him. ...I cried like a big baby. It freaked our waitress out, who thought something was wrong. Little did she know that something was really right. Of course it was an instant yes. Immediately after, we went downtown and filed the paperwork for domestic partnership with the city of San Francisco. Thats all it fan fare or wedding bells...just sign on the dotted line and I was sooo happy to have it. I left that day feeling more happy and proud than I have ever felt in my life to know that this man would WANT to stand beside me in sickness and in health as long was we both shall live (just don't ask him about laziness). this is the Day inscribed in our wedding rings and we will keep it forever.

This October 26th will be the Anniversary of the day that Jay and I got legally married in the state of California. It was finally the opportunity to have all the bells and whistles we didn't get to have in 1998 and to celebrate our union with family and friends. To wear uncomfortable cloths, stuff ourselves silly, drink way too much, and dance very...very....badly, and spend waaaaayyyy too much money doing it. You know...just like the heterosexualls do (sorry,couldn't resist)

Why did we chose this day and not November 4th? Well November 4th is not only my Bday, its also the day we vote and Prop 8 was up for vote that very day. We didn't want to go to all that effort and expense to have our marriage fall outside of some arbitrary deadline for marriage license submittal. What a heart break that would have been. So here we are with an anniversary trilogy. I'm sure George Lucas could do something with this. Throw some ewoks at it and make it a holiday special or something...(*ahem*) but moving on..

The day itself could not have been more beautifull. The memory of it washes away all the sadness and anger that followed shortly after. And that is why we will keep trying to show people what it looks like for a gay couple to get married and have kids. Are we perfect? make tons of mistakes just like everyone else. Thats life...and being human. But We will keep showing it, so that one day everyone else will be able to wash away those past memories of inequality with the memory of a dream long held finally coming true.

Allow us to bore you with our wedding videos. We really are just big saps:

Thank you soooo Much Carina for shooting this video for us. You have always been a great friend and have now given us the perfect triple anniversary present!


  1. @the Lucas Joke: That´s why i love reading you XD.

    I have to say, those videos, that is what i want to be when I grow up, really.

  2. Jay and Bryan-

    hope you have a wonderful anniversary. Have just caught up with all your lovely wedding videos. Quite original wedding decorations on the table and loved the dance videos of your receptions. I normally hate weddings but I might make an exception with yours...:-)

    Here's to many more years together!

  3. Wishing you a wonderful anniversary. Thank you for using it to show yet again why you should not have needed a bonus one - because in no meaningful way is your marriage different to anyone else's.

    Keep doing what you are doing - loving your family and letting the world see it.

    God bless

  4. What a wonderful story and a beautiful telling for days to remember and honor.
    It´s a pleasure to read, really excited and inspired. Thanks for share this and, go ahead!, you are not alone: your relationship and the family that you have with the children, are an example to follow, anywhere in the world. I congratulate you once again (since I have left message on Youtube).
    A very grat kiss from Buenos Aires, Argentina.

  5. Question:

    Hey Bryan,

    I'm a 20-year-old gay man and I was wondering if you could answer these things I've been wondering about:

    1. Were you nervous about dancing in front of all those people as two gay men getting married? I mean, I'm assuming that most/all of the people you invited to the wedding were accepting of you and Jay, but did you feel at all self-conscious about having a wedding that did not have the traditional bride and groom, brides' maids, gown etc.? How about dancing with another man in front of all those people, did the idea of that make you nervous? If so how did you deal with those things?

    2. Do you and Jay hold hands in public? In my previous relationship, I was pretty insecure about holding my boyfriend's hand in crowded public places, due to many people's bigotry towards gay people. For this reason, do you and Jay avoid holding hands and/or kissing in public? If you do, has anyone ever given you a dirty look or threatened you in any way and how do you handle that?

    As someone who is still in the coming out process, I would really appreciate it if you could try to answer these questions (preferably as a response post, since I'm sure other gay men in their late teens/early 20s have the same concerns and would like to hear what you think). You and Jay look like an extremely happy couple and I hope I can find someone I love that much one day.

  6. Have a wonderful Happy Aniversary!!!


  7. Congratulations to both of you on your numerous anniversaries.

    Don't hate me, but I may be glad that there were no ewoks involved.

  8. Happy anniversary.

  9. @matt

    Hey matt, I will do my best to answer those questions in the space I have here.

    1. Was I nervous dancing at our wedding?.....YES! While my family love Jay to death they had NEVER seen a public display of affection from us. So, the wedding kiss and the dance were beautifull but also excruciating as I was wondering, in the back of my mind what they were thinking. I don't know if you can see in the video but both Jay and I were terrified. We kept our eyes locked on each other and just shut everyone else out in that moment and had our time together...that was what we were there for after all.

    2. Do we hold hands in public?...sometimes, but only in safe places. We both grew up with the idea that gay=death. Anyone even suspected of being gay was the target of ridicule and punishment....that still stays with me at least. I am extra cautious. I have held in hand in san fransisco and certain gay events but otherwise I am just to chicken...make of that what you will.

    I hope that helped a little. They are not perfect answers ...just my answers

  10. congratulations on you anniversary jay and bryan. i'm so happy for the both of you. I could only wish i could also experience what you experienced. I've always wanted to propose to my boyfriend but it would all end up meaningless. even domestic partnership is not allowed in our place. nevertheless i treasure every promise that we make to each other to share our lives together. maybe not in the eyes of humanity but in the eyes of the God who gave us the gift of love and happines. It's a gift we should cherish and share and not deny to anyone, especially who needed it the most.

    happy anniversary to you both. may you share more years of happiness and love. and may you be blessed always.

  11. i've watched your videos and i couldn't help but cry. thank you for sharing it. it was perfect. i dream of standing infront of the altar one day holding hands with the one i love to proclaim the love that we have for each other and sharing a wonderful night with all the people that have a special place in my heart especially our parents. unfortunately, i guess it will all remain just a dream for us. but seeing the both of you getting married. it gave me hope.

    thank you for standing up and showing us that we could realize our dream.

    ...when you danced that night, you never just danced for yourselves but you danced for all of us who has kept to themselves all their life the dream of having someone to love no matter who they are...

  12. @matt

    Hey matt, me and my boyfriend sometimes show affection in public. Sometimes he feels chicken to do it, sometimes we can't be bothered getting stared at and sometimes we don't care.

    Just last night I gave him a little shoulder squeeze and kiss walking back home from the millenium dome in London and I noticed a couple of families staring at us like we were some rare birds.

    So my advice is feel free to do it but be awae that even in the nicest areas people will stare slack jawed at you sometimes. Even if they don't mean anything by it.

  13. On the other side I have gotten into physical fights from public displays of gayness before. I was hesitant to tell you this because I don't like to put people off.

    I am won't be bullied but that sort of confrontation really upsets some people. I suppose you have to pick your place and time. Sad.

  14. @orangegoblin82

    Hey orange, When are we going to wee YOU in one of your videos....

  15. Bryan, I know this is a progressive blog but I don't think we need to bring water sports into it....

  16. Sorry couldn't resist :P

    But yeah, I actually posted one of me and one of or dogs yesterday but then deleted it because when I watched it back I realised it was pants. I will have to get Jake to film me syaing my coming out story or something.

  17. Still chuckling about "wee you".


  18. oh fine laugh at captain day will come goblin...your day will come...

  19. That is so sweet! I so hope to be able to have a wedding and be like the two of you some day, I have always hoped to get married and raise a family! I wish the two of you all the joy in the world, and please keep making video and blogs, your such an inspiration to young people like me.

  20. Great, I just watched the videos and now I'm crying. You jerks. :)

    It looked beautiful, and I loved the Star Wars music.